Dear Dad, And my heart skipped a beat Because I had two missed text messages And I thought they were from you And this morning I made blueberry banana pancakes Like the ones you used to make me when I’d wake up in your arms And the air smells of barbecues and future aspirations And the ground listens to the birds speak And the walls relax as someone else holds them up, For once, And the trees sink a little deeper into their roots And the river is still - For a breath - And the bees take a break to admire their honeycombs And the rocks melt back into the Earth as they finally let go of their expectations And the seashells return to the ocean Only to find they were never shells at all, They were sea goats! And I’m back on the balancing beam in the room with the pit full of pillows And it was the first time I heard “Jumpin’ Jumpin’” on the radio by Destiny’s Child And we all stopped moving so we could listen Because, In those days, You never knew the next time you would get to experience that masterpiece And my round belly is poking forward in my yellow leotard And, Suddenly, I’m holding onto the rings for my life And suspending myself into the air And I remember this spotlight? Was this a dream? Or a romanticized impression of my reality? And, Then, I was trying to do the splits And the teacher put their hands on my back to press me down into the floor To force my hip sockets to comply And never asked what I wanted And, One day, I was at the swimming pool with my family And my belly proudly poked through my usual two-piece bathing suit And they pointed out the fact that, "I probably shouldn’t wear that swim suit anymore [now that I was fat]" And, Then, Someone stole my holographic Charizard card, That I gloated over during recess, And my yellow leotard no longer made me feel like the radiant sunflower I was, But, Instead, I felt like I was the size of a school bus And I was running in a circle And I fell down And someone laughed And that’s when I stopped going to gymnastics Today I am grateful for:
And in the dream we were older then when we last met, But the time was now. And we hadn't seen each other in 10 years. And the love was greater than it was then. And he saw me. And he was stronger than I remember. He had gotten stronger, over time. Like he had trained for this. For this moment. Was he crying? Or just breathing? Remembering to breathe. Breathe. And he carried me physically the way he used to emotionally. And I was astounded. I was bewildered. Out of nowhere. Came something. Out of nothing. Came everything. And its like he traveled from an alternate reality to hold me one last time, "This feeling," he said, "It's like we're 19 again -" "No, this feeling," I said," It's like we're 29 now. Because we are. This. Is now." And we held each other in that moment and it was forever. And in the dream he said Soon. "Soon," he said, "Soon." And I believe him. Thank you, Junie <3My First Week Teaching Summer Camp!
This was easily one of the most difficult things I have ever done, but I have learned so much. I am so grateful to my co-teacher, Ms. Ixchel, and to my Assistant Teachers Miss Amelia and Miss Alaia. And to my boss Mr. Alejandro and Ms. Lisa who helped me have all the tools I needed to succeed. And thank you to the angels who kept me alive and helped me keep going through the chaos. Thank you Ms. Ixchel for thinking of relaxation time. Thank you to RYLA camp for teaching me The Banana Song and Baby Shark and Can You Iggle and Little Sally Walker. And thank you to every single teacher who has ever taught and ever single parent who has ever parented. Holy. Cats. Maybe one kid is manageable. Maybe 5. But 16? Ages 6-9. Lemme tell you. We did it. But I do not advise anyone try. Especially post-covid years when many students were/are used to having 1-on-1 attention and expect it from you even when you have 15 other kids to care for. We are all out here doing our best and I just want a round of applause and a million dollars and a million hugs and a million baths and a million deep breaths for everyone out there doing their best. Go you. Be proud of you. I am proud of you. And, right now, most importantly, I am proud of me. Goodnight! *passes out and then remembers her lesson plan and class dojo message for next week are due and wakes up* Love you all, so very much. If I'm not very present for the next two weeks it is because 95% of my energy is going to these kids and keeping myself alive. See you after the fourth of July <3. Did I mention I start chorus line June 26th? About those lines...
And my godmother hinted towards me working to be a full-time teacher: Me:The Story of AnansiThe Story of the Cracken
J: Miss Amy, do you know what I am going to do after class?
A: What are you going to do after class? J: I am going to go home. Dress up like Hagrid. Hold his staff. Go to the beach. Slam my staff into the ground and try to summon the Cracken. *pause* A: Well, good luck! *J's eyes widen in shock* J: DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE CRACKEN IS? A: Yeah. J: So why are you wishing me good luck? A: Well, you want to summon him. So I'm wishing you good luck on being successful. J: But if I'm successful then the Cracken will come and kill everyone. *pause* A: Oh. J: Yeah. A: What does the Cracken look like? J: It's a giant sea monster. A: Could you draw it for me? J: Well... I can draw a squid, so I guess so. *J runs away* Thank you for the gifts:
M1: Miss Amy, what's your favorite color?
A: Yellow. *M1 runs away* Minutes later. . . M1: Miss Amy, what's your 2nd favorite color? A: Orange. *M1 runs away*
M2: Miss Amy, do we have envelopes?
A: No. M2: Awwwwww.... A: Maybe you could make one? *M2 runs away*
A1: Miss Amy, do you have a kite?
A: No. *A1 runs away*
M3: Miss Amy, are you married?
A: No. M3: Do you have a husband? A: No. M3: Do you have a kid? A: No. *M3 gasps* M3: Then we can get married! *A laughs* A: No, I don't think that would be appropriate. M3: Yes, we can get friendship married! A: Ummmm M3: Do you know how friends get married? A: How? M3: Instead of kissing, they hug each other! A: Oh, I see... M3: Maybe you could adopt me! A: Ummmmm..... I think someone is calling me...
M1: Miss Amy, can I tell you a joke?
A: Yes. M1: Knock knock A: Who's there? M1: Let me in! A: Let..me..in..Who? M1: Let me in, I need to go to the bathroom! *Pause* *Pause* *Pause* *A bursts into uncontrollable laughter* M1: You're probably going to die of laughter *A seriously contemplates* A: I probably am. *A contemplates again* A: I think that would be nice. At least I would be happy. *A makes a mental note* M1: You probably are going to die laughing. *A, still laughing* A: I hope I do. *contemplates this moment and the chaos and* A: I hope I do.
J: Why did the chicken cross the water park?
A: ? J: To get to the other slide. A: *uncontrollable laughter*
M: I WANT TO HUG YOU SO BAD.
A: Please don't.
Every five minutes:
A: Please don't touch me.
*Two boys wrestle each other to the ground*
A: The only touching we should be doing is hugging. *Two boys immediately hug*
A: Please stop eating your cup.
A: Please get away from that window.
Student: I'm eating the crayons because - [I'm a crayon monster]
A: Please don't eat the crayons.
*M3 points directly at A1 a la sword fight*
A: Put the scissors down, please.
A: No stabbing people in the eye.
A: No murder in this class, please.
A: You may use the tape as long as you are not using it on your body parts.
A: No, that pencil is too small for the pencil sharpener.
A: Please don't use that to sharpen crayons.
Student 1: My name is A, aka bacon, aka froggy
Student 2 (her twin sister): My name is M, aka pancakes, aka tad *M1 runs up to me and whispers* M1: I kind of want an aka name too A: Okay. Maybe you could be - M1: NO I WANT TO BE STRAWBERRIES. A: Okay. M1: Because I love strawberries so much. *M1 smiles that cereal killer smile that makes you step back*
*E sits down, crosses arms and pouts*
*A sits down next to E* A: What's goin' on, E?" E: I don't want to do it. A: Why don't you want to do it? E: I don't want to do anything. A: Me too, E. Me too. #Mood
R: Is it time for recess?
A: No. R: How much longer 'till recess? A: 10 more minutes. R: WHAT? I thought it was almost time because they took a trip to the bathroom. A: No, they just took a trip to the bathroom becuase someone had to go to the bathroom. R: Couldn't they just hold it? A: Well, we don't really want you to hold it because if you hold it too long you could get a bladder infection and that is no fun. R: What? A: Yeah. R: Wow. *Eyes widen in shock* R: I never heard of that. *R walks away in contemplation*
R: I don't want to be here anymore.
A: Neither do I. R: I want to go to recess. A: I understand. If I could be somewhere else right now I would be too. *My boss gives me a 'maybe-this-is-not-the-time-to-vent-to-a-child' look* A: I mean - I like being here, but if I could be in Japan right now, I'd definitely be in Japan. My boss: I'd be in Switzerland. Where it's cooler. *sweat roll downs our foreheads* R: I'd be at recess. *we stare into the distance*
Student 1: Everyone was little once.
Student 2: YES, WE KNOW EVERYONE WAS LITTLE ONCE, WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING ABOUT IT? Student 3: No - not everyone! Student 4: Yes! Student 3: No - not God! A: What? Student 3: God was always an adult. A: Okay, 3, everybody has different opinions about God, so let's not talk about it here.
*Student runs off playground crying. Between sobs, with her older sister standing beside her*
E: Miss Amy, I fell and I hurt my arm and I think I broke it. A: Can you wiggle your fingers? *Wiggles fingers* A: Can you move your arm? *still crying* E: Yes, but it really HURTS! A: Okay, hmmm... *knowing it is not broken because it is not swelling and she would not be able to move it if it was broken and there is no scarring or blood or bones poking out* A: I know! We need to summon the power of the sun god! *A stands dramatically and shouts towards the sky* A: oH MIGHTY POWERFUL SUN GOD! *E and older sister immediately stop crying and begin giggling* A (con'td): WE CALL ON YOU AND YOUR HEALING POWERS TO HELP MISS E TO HEAL HER ARM! A: (an aside to E) Now I have to harness the powers of the sun. *A circles her hands in the air over and over as if wrapping a spider web around her hands to "collect" the power of the sun. The sisters stare in awe at the sacred ceremony - they have never summoned the power of the sun god* A (to the older sister): Quick, I need your help! You need to blow on it! *Older sister hurridly blows on my hands (I will sanitize later) - A stares at the energy "glowing" in her hands and slowly, carefully, brings it towards the 'wound'* A: Where does it hurt? E: *sniffs* Here *points* A: Okay, *A carefully 'places' the energy around the wound as if adding a large bandaid* A: Okay, now, you just have to leave that on for a couple minutes and then it should start to feel better. Okay? *E nods* A: Okay. Now, you are free to return to playing! (to the sky) THANK YOU OH MIGHTY SUN GOD! *parents and teachers surrounding us in this public park stare in bewilderment. E & older sister giggle and return to the playground as if nothing has happened.* Other teacher: Nice. A: Thanks. *A sits down and takes a sip of her water* *She smiles* It's Time For Breakfast
*A sits quietly trying to take deep breaths before the day begins. The students have been dropped off at 8:50am and breakfast is at 9:00am. J walks up to A*
J: Miss Amy, what time is breakfast? A: 9:00am. J: What time is it? *A looks at watch and back at J* A: 8:50am. J: How many minutes 'tiil breakfast? *A looks at watch and back at J* A: 10 minutes. *J sighs and walks across the room to find a chair. J sits quietly in a chair, folds his hands in his lap, closes his eyes and meditates. J is 6 years old.* *1 minute passes* *J returns* J: Miss Amy, how many minutes 'tiil breakfast? *A looks at watch and back at J* A: 9 minutes. J: At least its not 10 minutes. *J sighs and walks away* *1 minute passes* *J returns* J: Miss Amy, how many minutes 'tiil breakfast? *A looks at watch and back at J* A: 8 minutes. *J sighs and walks away* *1 minute passes* *J returns* J: Miss Amy, how many minutes 'tiil breakfast? *A looks at watch and back at J* A: 7 minutes. *J sighs and walks away* *1 minute passes* *J returns* J: Miss Amy, how many minutes 'tiil breakfast? *A looks at watch and back at J* A: 6 minutes. *J sighs and walks away* *1 minute passes* *J returns* J: Miss Amy, how many minutes 'tiil breakfast? *A looks at watch and back at J* A: 5 minutes. J: It's almost time for breakfast! A: Yes, J, it's almost time for breakfast. *J smiles and walks away* *1 minute passes* *J returns* J: Miss Amy, how many minutes 'tiil breakfast? *A looks at watch and back at J* A: 4 minutes. *J sighs and walks away* *1 minute passes* *J returns* J: Miss Amy, how many minutes 'tiil breakfast? *A looks at watch and back at J* A: 3 minutes. *J sighs and walks away* *1 minute passes* *J returns* J: Miss Amy, how many minutes 'tiil breakfast? *A looks at watch and back at J* A: 2 minutes. *J sighs and walks away* *1 minute passes* *J returns* J: Miss Amy, how many minutes 'tiil breakfast? *A looks at watch and back at J* A: 1 minute. *J sighs and walks away* *1 minute passes* *J returns* J: Miss Amy, how many minutes 'tiil breakfast? *A looks at watch and back at J* *She smiles* A: J, it's time for breakfast. *J leaps into the air* J: YAY!! IT'S TIME FOR BREAKFAST! IT'S TIME FOR BREAKFAST! *J runs away excited as Miss Amy stands to announce breakfast time.*
J: Miss Amy, what's your favorite flower?
*A seriously takes a moment to contemplate this* A: A sunflower! *J runs away* And I was about to text you
Because I forgot For a moment And I just wanted to see how you are How you’re doing You know? Are you okay? How are you? Is that okay? "OK, Amy, Closure is:
Goodbye, Junie B.One line on a resume is not enough to describe this experience. What a ride. What a roller coaster of emotions. What a blessing. What a gift. For those of you who do not know, on Sunday, June 29th, I received a phone call asking informing me that the cast of "Junie B. Jones" was down at the Magik theatre due to unforeseen circumstances, and I was told, when the group sales coordinator began to call schools and parents to cancel shows, they received the voices of teachers and parents crying, begging, explaining how this would be their child's first field trip in two years, trying to explain how important this trip was for these kids, these shows, this character. How they so looked forward to it. How all of this being cancelled would just re-trigger everything - all the trauma - all the pain - all the pandemic brought us over again. And the leaders of Magik thought and thought with all their might and they came up with an incredible delight. They decided to put together a 30minute reader's theatre version on the full set with full lights and sound to give the children something - anything, really. And they pulled three of their full-time employees but they needed one more member for the cast. They needed someone to play Junie B. Jones. And so they called me. I had auditioned for them, previously, and they thought I could do it. They believed in me! And I believed in me! So I said yes, I would do it, and onward I went to this new adventure! On Tuesday, we completed a walk through of the show including scenic, sound, and lighting changes, walking through a completely new script with three other brand new cast members (the head of human resources and two leaders of the education department - all with performance experience/backgrounds of course). Our rehearsal was approximately 30minutes long and then we opened the house to nearly 500 students who then watched our entirely new "world premier" of Junie B. Jones: Toothless Wonder - Reader's Theatre Edition. With scripts in hand, we lead the student through a wonder-filled experience and brought so much joy and laughter. They roared with applause and one child loudly screamed, "THAT WAS AWESOME!" I was hooked. I already knew I was hooked, but I had forgotten. I forgot how incredibly rewarding chidlren's theatre is. How expressive. How fun. How responsive the audiences are. How sweet. How honest. How kind. How delightful. How the parents and grandparents and chaperones always think that the shows are going to be just for the kids when we - in theatre for young audiences - know that we have to cater to multigenerational audiences. We put them all onstage- the parents, the teachers, the kids, and we prove to them they are worthy of having their stories told. That they are remarkable just as they are. That something as simple or domestic as fixing a toilet is full of wonder and magic. And so it began. We had 1 show Tuesday, 2 shows Wednesday, and then we had news - the entire original cast of Junie B. Jones (except for Junie) was healthy and ready to return to the stage. So, I was asked if I would be willing to step into the full production with lights, sounds, set changes, costume changes, and the full script (with my script in hand), with the original cast, to make sure the show did indeed go on and we could give Magik audiences the full experience they deserved. I was ecstatic. I said yes. I had no idea what was to come next. I had 1 reader's theatre show Thursday morning, followed by a line through of the full production that afternoon. Compared to the 30minute version, this script seemed like a novel. A beast. And I was Junie B., the narrator, the thread, the backbone to it all, speaking 90% of the time. My body was tired. My throat was dry. My mind was racing. The other actors and crew held their hands out to me and said they would be with me every step of the way to push and pull me where I needed to be, to make sure I was safe, to make sure I had water. "What have I done?" I thought. "What did I sign up for?" I thought. But I knew I could do it. I knew, being completely surrounded by the love and the support of the entire Magik staff. We could do it. Together. I wasn't alone in this. On Friday, I had 1 performance of the reader's theatre version followed by a 4 hour technical rehearsal where I was walked through the full production with full lights, sounds, costumes, etc. I sat on the prop bed and wondered how I got to be so lucky as the stage manager/artistic director told me to "standby." On Saturday, I had what one might call a "final dress" where we did a full run through of the show without stopping. We took an hour for lunch and then prepared for our 2:00pm public performance. The house was full. We had a walk in school group of about 150 people along with 110 from the general public. They were blown away. They were in love. They were absolutely delighted. The children roared and the adults snickered at the humor that brought them onstage. At some point, on one of these days, as I was exiting off stage I heard a little girl's voice say, "Excuse me - " and I turned around to find that this small angel had found her way onto the stage and was walking toward me. "Hi there, how can I help you?" I said. "Can you sign this for me?" she asked, offering me her Junie B. Jones book. "Of course!" She offered me a sharpie and I sat back down at my prop school table in my prop chair. "What's your name?" I asked "Juliana" she said "How do you spell that, Juliana?" I asked. I sat and slowly started writing out her name on the page as she spelled it - "J-U-L-I-A-N-A" she said, "Thank you," I said, and I wrote "Dear Juliana, thank you for coming to the Magik theatre! - Junie B. Jones," and I signed my real name at the bottom. I tried not to worry if it was a library book and I said, "There you go. Thank you so much for coming." She ran to her mother smiling and showing off her new miracle as another girl, older, perhaps around 11 or 12 appeared on my right and smiled, beaming at me, she asked, "May I take a picture with you?" "Of course!" I smiled, grateful for this moment, that surely was not allowed due to covid protocols, but grateful nonetheless, "Thank you," she said, "You were amazing, by the way, you did a really, really great job" she pressed her words into me as if trying to say, "I need you to know that. I need you to know how great of a job you did." I thanked her and we posed together for the picture. Remembering the policy of children's theatre and how we have to be very careful when it comes to touch, I made sure my hands were visible in the picture and gave her bunny ears with my right hand. Her photographer laughed and they both smiled and waved as they walked away. Another little girl appeared on my left and asked for me to sign her program. She didn't have a sharpie, but I had a prop crayola marker that was functional, so I signed, a la Junie, in purple ink in her program. Her mother asked if she too could take a picture with me so I sat her down in my prop chair and I grabbed my prop journal and held it up as if to match her holding her program and we smiled at the camera together. Seeing this, I'm sure, the previous little girl, who's book I signed, returned to the stage to claim her picture as well. Seeing this, I'm sure, a small home-school group made their way to the stage. An angel of a parent, who was somehow holding the hands of 5-7 toddlers, made her way to me and beamed: "You don't understand. I read these books growing up. Me. I read them and I loved those books and you- you just did such an incredible job. I feel like a groupie standing up here right now. You are amazing." I smiled and thanked her for her kind words. "Do you think we could take a picture with you?" I arranged the prop chairs onstage in the light and more children appeared magically to join this small group. Some sat on the chairs and some stood in the back as I did my best to center myself amongst the energy of all of them. We smiled and said cheese and I felt a small hand on my leg. I looked down and found the tiniest human trying to hold onto me for dear life. Knowing the "don't hug them back rule" I was filled with a sadness that I couldn't give this little girl the hug back that she seemed to need, but I was grateful I could at least give her my performance and my smile and a friendly wave as she left the auditorium. And through it all, I felt for the original Junie, so hard. Mentally, I thanked her, for going through every rehearsal, for memorizing every line, for every re-write she had to learn for the world premiere, for every hour of technical rehearsal she sat through so they could adjust the spotlight to her, how she probably had to run that one scene over and over and over before they got the scenic change right, how she had to be spun in her prop bed and somehow stay focused and not get dizzy, how she had to give everything, express with her entire body and words, and I thanked her, and only she and I can fully understand the care and the energy that it takes to bring this character to life. This story to life. And I just want to say, thank you. To her. To the team. To the audiences. To the script. To the universe. Thank you for this experience. Thank you for your trust in me to bring Junie to life. Thank you for your support through all of it, and, most of all, thank you for helping me appreciate it and take mental snapshots filled with gratitude as I lay 'fake sleeping' in my prop bed while the lights changed to blue and the tooth witches snuck onto the stage and did their witchy dance. Thank you for the laughs and the miracles and the strength and the stamina and the confidence and the play. Thank you to everyone onstage who helped make sure I was where I needed to be and who played with me and who held my hand. Thank you to the wardrobe team who made sure I always had water and knew my cues. Thank you to the director who said, "And today the role of Junie B. will be played by Amy Abrigo." And I felt like a star. And I thought, "Now-" "I can do anything." Goodbye, Mr. SeeSometimes you have to give yourself closure. Because they can't give it to you For whatever reason Sometimes you just have to give yourself what you need Because you'll never get that goodbye you'll never get that last hug that last kiss you try to remember your last moments with them what it was like but you can't you can't even remember and that just makes it all worse because you think maybe if you could remember then somehow there would be some clue some sign that you missed you review it like a script over and over in your head memorizing your part trying to rephrase the lines like maybe if you didn't hold him there or didn't tell him how much you cared - but there is no time because it's too late there is no 2nd bus they've already closed the gate the horses are asleep and the dogs put to bed the only way you're still with him is in your dreams or your head so you want to live there you try to go there instead but you can't live like this you can't go on like this there's so much more life to live so many more words to give So you have to create your own goodbye So you close one or both of your eyes And you take a deep breath And you let out a light sigh And you see him walking in You see those eyes You see that smile You hear that laugh You tell him He tells you And you say goodbye "Goodbye," you say "Goodbye." And one day you’ll change your mind Maybe you already have But you’d never tell me Would you? Would you? Please tell me if you do. Did you ever think about asking me? What I want? Or did you never think to question? Did you ever think about having a conversation with me? Or did you never plan to let me decide? You just decided for me You didn’t even explicitly say it I want you to tell me Look me in the eyes And tell me You don’t love me. You don’t want me. You don’t wish I was with you right now. You don’t wish you were back in my arms. You don’t wish my bed sheets smelled like you. You don’t wish I was covered in your cologne. You don’t wish I was singing in your ear You don’t wish I was holding you too near And begging you not to let go And you told me you wanted to stay And you told me you didn’t want to leave And you told me you didn’t want to let go And I said then don’t And you stayed As long as you could When did you plan on telling me? Not that there really is ever a good time But damn Did you have to wait until the day before I have every single evening free? I mean, all this time – all this time I worked so hard to have evenings free And the ones I had – You never showed – And now – My calendar is wide open and the one person I want to spend it with is gone Sometimes I just wish I had a normal job Would that have helped? If I had my own home? Would that have helped? If I was thinner? Less clingy? If I was better? Smarter? Wiser? If I liked what you liked? If I was less present? No No That’s not what I want That was the whole point To stay true To me To you To be who I am and not play pretend just for you So I was honest So I was true But that was too real Too much for you Why did you ask me? Why didn’t you try? Why was it so easy for you to say goodbye? Can’t we just pretend? Can’t we just pretend that everything is okay? That you’ll be here at the end of every day? Can’t you, won’t you make your fears wash away? Please tell me this was all some terrible joke. Tell me you pushed me away because you were broke. But now you won the lotto and say that you’ll stay Say that it was someone else who pushed me away Tell me it was someone else and not you. Tell me I’m really your dream come true. Tell me you were wrong Tell me I was right Tell me you’re coming over, to kiss me goodnight. Are you sure? Just tell me that you’re sure. See me. Look me in the eyes. And tell me. Tell me. Are you sure? And you closed me like a story book you didn’t want to finish And when you returned it to the librarian she asked, “How did you like it?” And you said, “I didn’t actually finish it” And she said, “Why? And you said, “I was too scared to know how it ended.” And she looked at you with a puzzled face and she opened the cover and pulled out the card and saw the stamps of the different dates pressed into it, all the renewals, and she scanned the barcode and smiled, “Thank you for giving it a try,” she said. Thank you For all the healing Thank you For creating a safe space Thank you For bringing me peace Thank you For all the breadcrumbs Thank you For all that you did give me Thank you For not keeping me waiting Because, when you put your hand on my stomach, I got flutterlies in my tummy and chill bumps on my skin and sweaty on my head. Because one the first night I was with you, I wanted to tell you I loved you. Because no one had ever held me like you held me. Because no one ever loved me the way you did. And Tuesday evening,
When I showered, I said Mo Jo Jo Jo's spell, The one I usually do every time I shower, "Anxieties - you cannot stay - as I wash my hair - I wash you away" And I cried Because I knew If I washed them away I was washing away you And I cried And I cried Because I didn't want to cleanse myself of you 1: Does it ever get easier? 2: What? 1: Being alone? 2: No. And what? That’s it? You won’t even see me again? No fucking goodbye? Are you serious right now? I don't know what the 12 stages of grief are, But I'd sure like to be done with this one. And you were mine And I was yours And I said I would never let you go. And you gave me so much joy And I gave you my sunshine And I gave you my chaos And, for once, I was honest And, for once, I was true. And you accepted me And I accepted you And I gave you my silly And I gave you my shmexy And I loved you So much So stinkin' much But it wasn't enough. Because some people aren't ready for greatness Because not everyone can handle a goddess Because sometimes you are the sacrifices that must be made Because Not everyone is ready to come into their fullness Because Not everyone wants all the things that they want Because sometimes we don't know how to accept our blessings Because I guess No matter how good No matter how true how rare how precious how wonderful how generous how kind how loving how caring how sweet how gentle how beautiful how undeniable how whole I guess Some things just aren't meant to be Still. I wiish. I guess I wish. It was a little less easy for you to not see me. It's as if I knew It's as if I already knew Maybe that's why my heart would do that thing And I would audibly gasp Because I was in shock? Because I was in fear? Because I wanted to soak up every moment of having you near. Because somehow I knew Somehow deep down That you wouldn't always, truly, be around I thought you said always? I thought you said true. I thought you said, "Amy, I love you too." And I found that video The one that you sent The one amongst many The only one I saved on my phone When I felt like your chest was where I belonged When you told me the way I loved you wasn't wrong When you called me to say goodnight When you told me you loved me with all of your might And you recorded it for me to hear Over and over, in case you'd disappear I never thought my love could be so overwhelming I thought it would be nice I thought it would be something someone would be looking forward to for all of their life I thought - But - I guess I was wrong. You said you hate to let people down.
You said it hurts the most when things end abruptly without communication You said always You said "As long as I'm with you, I'll take care of you." I guess I should have focused on the first part and not the last I guess I should have known you never expected this to last I guess I should have known you were always looking for an exit that would make us end fast You missed your isolation You missed your control Over the dark thoughts that reside in your solo soul That you aren't enough That you aren't capable of love But I hope that you know That you are wrong. "Everything is NOT alright." - Junie B. JonesWhat the actual fuck?I don't understand. How? How can you just leave? How can you just let go of something so beautiful? So precious? So rare? Didn't you feel it? Or was that just me? Was I in some sort of alternate reality? Was I the only one who felt like they were defying gravity? You're so scared of getting hurt, You'd rather hurt yourself You're so scared of losing control, You control the pain, You look at the loss as your gain Please, tell me again - Why? How? You can't even look at me. You can't even talk to me. You can't even - Why are you so scared of being in love? Fuck you. You think you're fucking jaded. Fuck you. You think you're fucking rescuing me? Fuck you. You think you know what's best? Fuck you. You are a coward. You won't even try. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck Youuuuuuuuu. Why would you How could you Be such a coward You won't even see me Because you know If you did When you do You couldn't believe the lies that you're telling The truth would come spilling through You fucking know WHY WHY WHYWhy Why Why Why Why Why Why Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Fuuuuuuuccckkkkkkkkk Yoouuuuuuuuuuuuu Grow up. Fucking grow up. What are you going to do when you fall in love? What are you going to do when you meet the one? What are you going to do when he grows up and moves out? What are you going to do when you finally have time? When you finally have your mind? When you finally are ready. What the fuck are you gonna do? I guess I wasn't that special I guess there wasn't anything special about me You dropped me like a flower you found on your morning walk, dead by the end of your journey, dry and wilted from being in your grip, your hands, so soft and gentle, your kisses so kind and light and full of longing, hey - you kissed me back. I don't understand you. How can you say you love me and hours later tell me goodbye? Without a fight Without me in sight Without a moment's thought Without getting caught - up - in us in me in you How can you be so loving and so hurtful in one fell swoop How can you burn me with my own soup? I don't - I can't - I just - please help me understand please give me closure please let me see you your eyes your please just one last time I just want to hold you one last time to prove to you to prove to you that you're wrong you're so fucking wrong Don't tell me what I "deserve." I don't want to know what I deserve. I want you. I don't want to be responsible. I want you. I don't want to burn your shirt. or throw it away. or donate it. I. want. you. What the fuck is wrong with you? What the fuck is wrong with me? Fuck. Ladies, we are not too much. Do you know how many people would die to be in our arms, our thoughts, our minds, our beds, our lips, our sighs? DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY? DO. YOU. KNOW? And yet, here we are, chasing these boys who can't give us the fucking time of day. And they tell us with their words and their actions that we are too much for them. Too much. Too much to handle. Too much to take care of. Too much for them. Well, fuck. That. shit. Because, yes, a bouquet of 100 roses would be too much for a fucking child. It would seem a bit odd to the other flowers out in the wild. But that does not mean it is too much. If you are trying to fit all the power of the sun into a Duracell battery, of course its going to be too fucking much. Ladies, we need to stop dimming our lights. We need to stop adjusting our voltage to fit their fucking molds Their lamps Their LEDs Their halogens Fuck them We are fucking sunshine We are fucking power We are the fucking stars and the moon Fuck them if they can't handle our worlds Our fucking universe Because, let me tell you, someday. Somewhere. Someone. Fucking will. Someone. Will. I said, "I know I'll never come first. I'm just asking to be put on the list." He said, "Thank you for your suggestion, you will not be missed." And I thought, "There's no room for me. I'm too much. Who will love me? Who will be able to love me? Who can have a love this big? Who can love a soul this big? Who can handle my schedule? Who can handle my chaos? Who can handle my this and this and this and this and 8 shows a week and tech and rehearsal and overlapping show calls and power naps and meditations mixed with smiles and elation? Who can handle Gina and Clarissa and Coach Kat and Kelsey and Junie B. Jones and Judy Turner and Vinnie and KT and Tranio and Camila and Elizabeth Proctor and Estragon and two degrees and future artistic director and future broadway star and fucking goat and fucking leo and ravenclaw and daughter of two moms and bisexual and short jean shorts and tall legs and big big feelings and heart and kindness and love and gentleness and power and pain and loneliness beyond loneliness and a desperate need for you that surpasses want. Who? Who? Who? Who? Owl see if I can see you staring back at me in the night. Hold me, kiss me, throughout the night. Why? Why? Why? Why? Would you find me and then turn out the light? I don't understand. I don't understand. I don't understand. And I guess I don't have to. But this fucking sucks. Sometimes it sucks, Being an actor, Having so many people love you Be, in love with you So many people infatuated Elated So many times you are congratulated And told how amazing you are how loved Spending your entire life being loved by everyone except the one person you care about. Why the fuck does it work that way? Why Why Why Why Why do I wish I had you instead of the thousands of audience members every single day Why Why Why Why Why don't you feel the same way God, Billie was right, sometimes I just wish you were gay 1: You should write something 2: For what? ... 2: Hello. ... 2: I'm the killer. 1: The what? 2: The killer. The murderer. The strangular. ... I do bad things. To women. Specifically. *1 types feverishly* 2: That shouldn't go in your blog. *1 continues typing* 2: Ma'am. *1 looks up as if to stop, then. . . continues typing.* *2 exhales deeply* One line in a resume is not enough. To explain. This whole fucking fever dream. "I was manifestin' before I could form a sentence or a question" - Amy AbrigoCharacter idea: The anxious stage manager "But life isn't just one element - it's a whole goddamn periodic table." - Amy AbrigoItaliaAnd for a moment The humidity tastes like coffee The air smells of conversations and laughter My lungs fill with images of venetian masks and fully dressed felines A: Catch me scalpin' strawberries in my kitchen on a Saturday night! |
About the Author:Amy Abrigo is an actor, director, writer, and much more currently living in her hometown of San Antonio, Texas. Archives
April 2024
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