To the random guy in the spurs baseball cap with the sweet kicks pushing a grocery cart down the lashes aisle: I'm not sure what you were doing there, but it was really adorable how you said, "excuse me" and smiled like a child before you crossed my path with your cart.
Do you need to create it, or wipe it all away? The only way to heal the world around us is to first heal ourselves. Get rid of the past for something new to begin. If you don't feel it, you can't heal it. Don't get all excited. This is not about you. Have you ever had a moment where you know you've messed up? Like you know and you just have to eat your own words. Like, you have to stare at your own hypocrisy as you clean your bathroom mirror with the Target brand windex you borrowed from your 2nd cousin's house because she said it smelled weird? Yeah. Today was one of those days. It's not life altering. I mean - I guess it could be. But it's one of those times where you realize you have to be an adult. Where you realize you are an adult. Because you agree. Because you know. Because you know, and you agree: you messed up. And now you gotta do something about it. I mean - you don't. You don't have to do anything about it. But you do. You know you do. I think that's called your conscious? No, but, really - you do. And it makes you almost - proud? Like, not because you messed up - that feels awful. You feel sad. You feel guilty. Shame. But - no, you feel proud because you're acknowledging it. You're not just running away. You're not just trying to shove those worries into another day. You're sitting there. Standing there. Saying, "Damn. I messed up." And you're saying sorry because you mean it, not just out of habit. You're stopping yourself. Your standing tall and you're saying, "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I messed up. That was messed up and I don't want to do that anymore. Be that anymore. I want to be loyal. I want to be committed. I want to think about someone else for once and respect their time and effort that they've put into me. And not just abandon them because I see something shiny. I want to recall all that they've done for me. And yes, of course, I could just walk away, and I'm not 'tied down' to anyone, or anything, or whatever, but sometimes you just have to do right by someone, you know? I mean, do you know what it is to actually do right by someone? To sit there and appreciate all the things this person has done for you and, when the time comes, instead of doing your usual shit. Instead of running away. Instead of living your stressful fragmented day - you just show up. And you keep showing up. You are fully present. And grounded. And focused. On them. And only them. For once. In your life. Focused on giving back to the place that has given you so much. For once. Not just using them and taking all that you can, but giving back. Have you ever had a moment like that? And suddenly there’s a whole ass person in front of me existing being themselves for themselves just themselves and I’m reminded that I’m not the only one living My own story And today I get to be a side character in yours a flash back episode the beloved golden brown haired girl with bangs that everyone dresses like now with her white platform converse that prove she’s no longer afraid of her own power her own sight her own height It was a pleasure to see you A pleasure to be seen Fascinating living in these in-betweens these transition periods these times in our lives where we suddenly realize we’re not alone there’s got to be someone on the other end of that phone calling calling “Is anybody home?” Did you know that about yourself? Did you see what I saw? It was a pleasure to observe you to watch you, after all I hope that’s not creepy God, that sounds … weird but it was like suddenly a new character on tv brilliantly appeared. out of the static of my reality a sudden abnormality a cataclysmic casualty of boredom in my peace in my ease I could clearly see sit back and see you there was it obvious? did I stare? Were you even aware? I bet you didn’t even notice I bet you didn't even care Did you even see all the time put into my hair? What I wear? Well, what I wore, Did you already put up a door? Or a fence? Is there a way to cross a bridge if it’s made up from sense - memories that you’ve tried to kill? Or are you merely trying to erase your trauma by seeking a thrill? Fascinating creatures, we humans are - Is that why you didn’t walk me to my car? Why you won't let me get too far? Why won’t you let me see who you truly are? Yikes! I believe in foodA: I just feel like this haircut makes me look like...Frankenstein. B: People LOVE Frankenstein! A: I know, I know, but I was hoping to be loved more like...Dracula. B: I'll see what I can do... I believe in dance There are so many things I could say about Sprance. So many words. Thoughts. Movements. Wow. I cannot believe I actually did this. Spring Into Dance was my first dance concert ever as both a dancer and choreographer. And - I went on for my lead female dancer for my own piece for the last two days of the concert. What a wild ride. What an incredible opportunity. There's no more saying I'm not a dancer. You can't. You can't be in Spring Into Dance and continue to lie to yourself, saying you're not a dancer. Because it's not true. I'm so grateful to Jan for believing in me as a dancer and a choreographer. And I'm so grateful I got to simultaneously be in her dance for musical theatre and tap class. I had never tap danced before. Ever. And here I am tappin' away. Jan is pictured above in the last row of photos in the very last photo. Jan was also my dance teacher at Concordia University when I first attended as a student. Now, as an alumni and professor, it was surreal and such a gift to be in her class. She took my dancing to a new level, and my ability to pick up choreographer is the best it's ever been. No, I'm not perfect. No, I haven't been dancing since I was 3, like some other girls. No, I don't have 15 years of tap or ballet. But I have me. And I have this beautiful experience. Watching myself and so many others grow and create and share the incredible art of dance with many audience members who were moved beyond their wildest dreams. What a gift. Thank you. #JustJance I believe in peopleSometimes God grants you with incredible people in your life. These are two of those people in mine. I believe in ghostsI went to What I learned in Paris at Penumbra theatre last month. As I took my seat I looked around the room and soaked up the scenery. And then I heard a small sound and felt a small movement and saw something in the corner of my eye. I looked over and watched as the seat next to me slowly sprung open and stayed. These are spring seats. There default is folded up and they only go down when weight keeps them open. Not this seat. It just unfolded itself. All by itself. And stayed there. Even as I left for intermission and returned. Even as I got ready to leave at the end of the night. As soon as the seat opened I looked over at the chair and smiled and said, "Well, hello! I hope you enjoy the show!" That same day I had asked the universe to send me someone to watch the show with. I only had one ticket, but I had hoped, somehow, someone I knew would show up and watch the show with me. And so, the universe provided. I didn't say they had to be human. I didn't say they had to be living. And so, the universe provided. I believe in theatre and its ability to create change on this Earth. All rise.I believe I am one of the luckiest people on this Earth.Because, sometimes, two moms is better than one.Happy Mothers' Day! <3None of us are perfect. But no one can deny these two beautiful humans have done everything they were and are capable of to try to bring me a life full of peace, hope, and joy. And I love them for that. Exactly as they are.
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About the Author:Amy Abrigo is an actor, director, writer, and much more currently living in her hometown of San Antonio, Texas. Archives
April 2024
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