It can feel like a million things you had to let go
It can leave you in shambles or leave you with hope
It can ask your forgiveness and bring you a new show
It can love you and leave you out in the rain
It can teach you the meaning of emotional pain
So much can happen
So much can change
So much can make you feel proud, happy, or deranged
This is a reminder,
Whenever things get tough,
to remember, my friend, you are always more than enough
January
- I had my first experience going live on Facebook for a major corporation as an ambassador. The best part? My family thinking I am now famous because I worked with Chuck Cureau.
- I opened and created my first paid solo performance where I read and acted out stories by a campfire for children and their families. The best part? When my two little cousins came to watch my show and sat in the very front row.
- I made my first costume, "The Vine," as an assistant in the SW Costume Shop. The best part? Watching it come to life with one of my favorite humans and performers. Oh, and feeling like I was fulfilling all the traditional tasks of woman hood: wearing cute dresses, baking, and sewing.
- I got braces! And they are coming a long very well and are going to be taken off any second now.
February
- I said goodbye to Safari Jamie, met a Lemur, and talked to a cute boy about sting rays. The best part? I got to wear my favorite and most comfortable shoes: Timberland boots.
- I said hello to Mardi Gras and all the beautiful food and costumes that came with it! The best part? How gorgeous everyone looked in the sunlight and watching the kids' eyes sparkle when they witnessed true art live in front of them.
- I had my dreams crushed by a crush, someone who always gave me a rush, someone who I saw and blushed, someone who could never give me enough.
- I performed as part of Sofa Shakespeare.
March
- I was trained in for "Sea Lion High," a show where Clyde and Seamore, our two favorite sea lions, are trying to graduate on the last day of school. I learned all the many ways you could drop scholarships, how to improv beyond belief, and how much I love pantsuits. I learned "E1," the performer track that plays Vice Principal Twimby, Professor Whizbang (the science teacher), and the History Teacher - we like to call her gertrude or geraldine or whatever the lunch lady is feeling that day. The best part? Getting to be a sassy woman who is very sure of herself looking like a bad@ss in a pantsuit. Oh, and improving walkout lines, which was basically like our daily dose of practicing stand up.
- My favorite jokes?
- What's a clam's favorite social mediea? Insta-CLAM
- What did papa plane say to baby plane when he finally landed? YOU'RE GROUNDED.
- *Gym teacher puts one leg up on the rail and slaps his thigh* "I got your two piece right here!"
- What is cardboard's favorite holiday? BOXING DAY of course.
April
- I took a risk and found bliss with hair extensions. They weren't everything I wanted them to be and they helped me appreciate and desperately miss my own long hair, but they showed me so much about how beauty and confidence blesses you in this world. And how happy long hair made me feel and how happy and kind it made me look and how much nicer everyone was to me and how many men offered to take my grocery cart for me or help me lift things.
- I was fully vaccinated! Praise be to the Jesus.
May
- I put myself out there and started submitting virtual auditions again
- I fell in love with a boy who saw me, who sang with me, who danced with me, who bowed to me and gave me a rose for the first time in 8 years.
- I auditioned for my first broadway show.
- I STARTED MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL.
June
- I rehearsed in a mask impossibly
- I put myself out there
- I tried way too hard
- I successfully opened "Sea Lions Tonite" as a mainstage performer and kicked @ss
- I took criticism
- I lashed out
- I hated myself
- I got over myself
- I learned what it meant to have a big ego
- I learned that sometimes you just have to let yourself fall and fall and fall again and just because you fail doesn't make you a failure
July
- I became Open Water SCUBA Certified
- I wanted to become an Animal Trainer
- I thought I could do it all
- I applied to be an HA
- I fought through fear
- I persevered
- I was freezing and tired and I didn't want to do it, I wanted to leave, to sit in the sun, to do anything, to run, but I did it anyway, I stayed, I froze and I shivered but I did it anyway.
- I swam and I swam and I swam and it was hard because I wasn't breathing right
- A boy who I thought was leading me on for months broke my heart.
August
- I finally got the groove of "Sea Lions Tonite"
- I finally got to enjoy my time in the spotlight
- My inner child got all her wishes and dreams
- I got to be Taylor Swift and Beyonce and Ariana Grande
- I got to dance to Lil Nas X and pour water on someone's head and splash people and knock em dead
- I fell in the moat SO MANY TIMES
- I got to push trainers into the moat
- I had so much fun no matter how tired my body was no matter how exhausted I was
- I got to play with the baby sea lions and watch as they chased me as I ran back and forth behind the glass
- I pumped myself up with core work and jumping jacks and "Daisy" and "Formation" and "Flawless"
- I passed a swim test
September
- I learned how to swim and dive
- I learned how to breathe
- I dove for tools
- I wondered what it would feel like to open my eyes in salt water
- I wondered if I could do it
- I wondered if I could make it
- I wondered if I was good enough
- I wondered if I was allowed to do something others had dreamed of and planned for for their entire lives
- I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed on the floor.
- I was given the opportunity to go back. To do a show as a Stage Manager back in Minneapolis. To do a show I cared about for a company I cared about. And I was going to stay with friends in a room and bike to work and do so many things to try and save money and my mental health and the schedule was going to be insane and I would have had to fly and fly back and pay for the ticket and I tried so hard not to miss it. I tried so hard. I wanted it to work. I wanted it. I needed it. I was going berserk. And then they told me it wouldn't work and I felt like a failure, I felt a deep loss, I thought I would go back whatever it cost, but some things aren't in your control, and some things you just have to let go.
- I was trained in for "E2", the 2nd performer track in "Sea Lion High" that includes the Crossing Guard, the dance teacher, the drama teacher, the gym coach, and something else I'm sure I'm forgetting.
- I started volunteering for SA Humane Society in the animal training department, still hoping to become an animal trainer.
October
- I learned that Associate Trainers at SW get paid $14.25/hr and it would take me 5 years in AT to get paid what I am currently making as a performer. No more animal trainer ambitions for me.
- I walked some doggos.
- I met some pirates.
- I shared a trailer with my best friend.
- I was the Rey, the truth, and the light.
- I skipped while holding hands with a mysterious creature at Six Flags - I have a way with these folks for some reason . . .
- I worked for my first broadway tour since 2017. I was a wardrobe dresser for the lion king rafiki tour while it was at the majestic. I dealt with sleep deprived assholes who came at me for my life, credits, and worth. I had to prove to myself that I didn't need to prove myself to folks who didn't care about my worth. I had to recognize that some people just want to be miserable monsters and you can't save everyone.
- I got to have my first Sea Lion Interaction Program and got to be in the water with the animals.
- Every day I tried something new
- Every day I learned something new
- I failed and was hard on myself and was sleep deprived and I still had a party because what the hell
- I had my first party in my new apartment
November
- I opened "Clyde and Seamore's Countdown to Christmas," and learned both Elfie and Mime.
- I met some penguins with Elijah thanks to Sammi and Chico.
- I learned that some costumes are better than others
- I got to introduce my mom to Digit, the beautiful sea lion
- I got to do shows with Mrs. Claus
- I found out that monsters aren't always how they appear. That people who seem friendly might be as friendly as wolves that slaughter deer. I learned that some people don't understand no and I learned that someone you didn't want to let go can still hurt you. I learned that you don't have to go with the flow. I learned that you have the right to say no. I learned that it's not your fault. I learned that it's okay to be distraught. I learned that people will keep being monsters if they don't get caught. I learned that the human body is weird and that the human psyche is weirder. I learned that sometimes you re-write things in your brain to make them easier to swallow. I learned that I am so hopeful and optimistic about tomorrow. That I see the good in people so often that sometimes people can take advantage of that and know I will never say anything because I don't think one mistake should leave someone dumped in a lake. But what if this wasn't a just once? What if I'm the real dunce? What if someone else is left in this same place? It's too much to think about right now - I don't have space.
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December
- I kept going
- I kept showing
- I kept smiling
- I kept myself alive
- I helped myself survive
- I went to my first open mic and heard a 'comedian' call a woman "un-rapeable"
- I kept a show running
- I limped along
- I said hi to you even though it felt wrong
- I feel the need to find some new place where I can belong
- I don't want to be here anymore
- I want to run
- I want to find some new place
- I want to find a blank slate
- Because maybe if you're not there I can forget
- Maybe if you're not there I don't have to quit
- Maybe if you're not there I can move on and stop watching you as you string me along
- And why am I so worried to mess everything up when its you who's got me all kinds of f*cked up
- I got my heart broken by too many men. I decided I don't want to ever again. Let's leave heartbreak in 2021 like some dying trend.
- I wrote and recorded over 100 poems <3
May all of your hopes and dreams magically appear,
May you feel pure bliss,
May you get a wanted kiss,
May you get everything that you wish,
May you be happy,
May you be free,
And if you need it, may you find the key,
To everything and anything and all that you want to be.