What Day 5 of Covid Feels Like:
Day 5: How Are You Feeling?
Now that I know that I will someday recover and I'm not in my head with anxious thoughts thinking I'm just going to stop breathing in my sleep and all of this would have been for nothing, now that that is over -- I really am at peace. There's nothing I can do that I'm not already doing. There's nowhere I can go. And, really, there's nothing I have to do. I'm not employed anywhere currently, technically, so I don't have any work to run to, but that's not financially stressful for me because I am being taken care of and my bills are severely reduced thanks to my godmother allowing me to live with her. My laundry is done. My meals are prepped. My entire house is spotless. I even took out my trash and recycling. Like, I'm good ya'll. I finished a draft of my play (message me if you'd like to read it, see my "writer" web page to read the description). I caught up on my emails. I signed my contracts. I read my employee handbooks. I mean - I'm set, ya'll. I can't even really work on lines yet for "Eddie & Vinnie" because its a new play and I won't have the script until we get in rehearsals and even then it probably will change and that's a great and beautiful thing because then I really am getting paid to learn my lines as well, which is healthy and wonderful.
I'm sad that I can't see the Teen version of A Chorus Line and I really don't think I'll be recovered enough to come back as Judy Turner in my own production of A Chorus Line this weekend at the Woodlawn because I still don't have a voice and can't really breathe, but - I am grateful that I was able to do the show at all and to be able to perform for two entire weekends. And I am grateful that many of my friends and my family were able to see me when I was onstage. I will miss it. But who knows! I believe in miracles and anything could happen between today and this Sunday. Anything is possible!
But, overall, I'm excited and happy and grateful for all the love, blessings, magic, and miracles in my past, present, and future. I have so much to be grateful for. So much to be happy about. So much to look forward to, and back at, and directly at.
Because I'm having trouble breathing while lying down, I've been sleeping in this chair lounge thing we normally have in the living room, but my godmother helped me move to the study area in the house. It's kind of amazing because its very comfortable and this study area expands my isolation land so I don't just have to be holed up in my room all the time. And, because of the way I have the chair faced, my view is of all these incredible photos of my friends and family so I am constantly looking at all the wonderful things in my life and so much love. It also just so happened to time out that my godmother bought me an air filter for my allergies that I'm now able to use to help reduce risk of spreading the vid to her. She also blessed me with a humidifier to help my sinus congestion and a pulse oximeter so I can check my oxygen levels and make sure I'm not dying --don't worry, I'm not. I'm just taking it one breath at a time.
Sometimes I feel lonely, like we all do, but then I'll reach out to a friend or they'll reach out to me or my godmother will walk by or - just - the universe has been so incredibly supportive and, truly, it's like I keep getting the message over and over that everything is taken care of. That I am so blessed. That how dare I question anything because everything is what it is and it is all exactly how it is supposed to be when it is supposed to be where it is supposed to be etcetera etcetera etcetera. I am so amazed. I am so blessed.
And sure I wish I had someone to hold. But, honestly, I couldn't even do that right now because I'm sick as hell so let's all relax. And take a deep breath. And be grateful for your lungs. And your breath. And your ability to chose whether or not you want to do more than lounge around in your bed all day or not. But also - if you do wanna lounge around in your bed all day - go ahead. It's your life and you get to live it.
I am also excited for pumpkins and fall and spices and Kirkland's and orange and white and gold and cooler weather and leaves and I feel so lucky. So lucky to be here. So lucky to live in this beautiful world. So lucky to be alive. To be here, here and now. I love you all so very much. I hope you all find something today that makes you feel lucky too. <3
Things that make me smile:
- Listening to Christmas music
- Day dreaming
- Knowing that one day I will be fully recovered
- Window shopping for Squishmallows on Amazon and discovering they have a Seal, Otter, & WALRUS (oh my heart)
- Remembering A Chorus Line
- Thinking of how excited I am to tour "Eddie & Vinnie" with the Magik Theatre
- Thinking of my beloved friends
- This vision I keep getting of how happy I'll be, so happy it makes me just as happy now - for no reason - and that makes me even happier
Things I've Learned:
- Because I can't smell or taste anything, the only way I can judge my food is by sight and texture. My tongue can register sour, bitterness, salty, and sweet. I can't taste it, but I can 'sense' the sensation I feel from it on my tongue and it is fascinating. It is so interesting to judge foods based on their texture. It's like I'm noticing an entirely new world of 'taste'.
- Because it's been difficult for me to breathe through my nose due to congestion, I've also been judging foods based on my ability to eat them without risking choking if I can only breathe through my mouth. Grapes, sliced banana, mandarin oranges are all great - pretty much things in little bites that are solid and not going to shred or flake and risk me inhaling them and dying like shredded mini wheats. I also much prefer hot foods because of the dryness and inflammation in my throat.
- Decongestants can actually dry out your throat and make the sore throat / loss of voice work. No longer taking that, but the mucus relief dm is really helping and my doc got me a new cough medicine to take as well and so far so good.
- Elderberry, Vitamin C/D, & Zinc are great immunotherapy boosters and I be taking those as well.
- Sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself and the situations you are in. Life can be pretty flippin' funny.
- When I start to feel really awful its usually because I need to either 1. eat, 2. drink, or 3. sleep. Life can be really simple sometimes.
- Listen to your body. It knows what it needs.
- Don't fight the moonlight. No.
- So much doesn't matter. SO much. It really doesn't. But you do.
Things I'm Thankful For:
- I am thankful that a short film I was a background actor in is being screened locally on September 22nd at 6pm! Come join the fun!
- I am thankful I got to make this incredible piece of art before I got sick.
- And this:
- I am grateful for these beautiful angels
- I am thankful for my godmother for literally getting me every single thing I have needed during my isolation and sickness.
- I am thankful my mommy said yes to making me atole de arroz at her earliest convenience.
- I am thankful for my best friend allowing me to text her literal novels every single day because I have no voice and have no other way of communicating except writing her a 100,000 words a day.
- I am thankful that even though I risked exposing 6 people near and dear to my heart the day before I tested positive, all of them are healthy <3.
- I am thankful for covid tests.
- I am thankful for hot showers and humidifiers and breathe right strips and Vicks and kleenex with lotion and Amazon and pulse oximeters and air fryers and dish washers and fabuloso and eucalyptus oil and magic and miracles and kindness and gratitude and peace of mind and love beyond imagination.
- I am thankful for TikTok and Instagram and Facebook for being my windows into the world. As a way to find joy in isolation.
- I am thankful for all my incredible friends and family and their wonderful support.
- I am thankful for words and my keyboard and my ability to type almost as fast as I think. Almost.
- I am thankful for electricity and iPods and iPhones and iPads and Apple Pencils and follow-up emails and callbacks and holding hands.
- I am grateful for seeing the TikTok below and thinking of the amazing Tyler Bunch-a-crunch and how excited I am to see him and all of my beautiful, incredible, super talented friends in their shows during this Spooky season <3
@moulinrougebway Replying to @Sophia You mean THIS opt up?! □ #roxanne #eltangoderoxanne #conorryan #moulinrougemusical #moulinrougemusicaltour #jamescorden #latelateshow ♬ original sound - Moulin Rouge! The Musical