One Step Closer
I learn a little bit more
I grow and twist and change and form and re-form
I build and destroy and rebuild
I transform and re-birth myself into an amoeba that stretches beyond my physical being
I listen
I heal
I hurt
I tear
And my body reforms itself into thin air
Into itself
Whole and complete
Known and unknown
Mysterious and Familiar
Living and dying
Constantly changing
And suddenly it is painfully clear that I am meant to be where I'm mean to be
Here
Doing what I'm supposed to be doing
Learning and growing
Getting to know myself first
Getting to know what I want
And what do I want?
I learned that it is so easy for me to please others
I learned it is so easy for me to think up what others want
To think up what others would want me to want
What "society" would want for me - whatever that is - whoever "they" are - wherever they are -
It is so easy for me to build a schedule, to book myself and my life and my time and my energy to the brim - even if I don't have to - even if I'm not being paid or compensated in any way for my time
Even if it's a half-hearted relationship
Or a half-relationship
Or a non-existent relationship I have designed and created entirely in my mind
It is so easy for me to commit to someone else and their beliefs and their wants and their needs
Why is it so easy to pour yourself into others, but so difficult to be able to even begin to invest in ourselves?
It's like I'm looking for my cup to fill it first, but I'm left stumbling in a dark room and suddenly trip over an open drawer and slam to the ground finding nothing more than the un-swept floor that I meant to mop
And I think maybe finally I have grasped it, myself, my essence, my spirit, my soul, my being but I find it was merely a copy I made of myself to prevent others from getting too close
But you can't prevent that.
You can't prevent others seeping into your cracks
Like a persistent leak in an old cabin bath
You can't
No matter how hard you try
No matter how hard you try to protect your energy
Your self
Your heart
But it's okay
Because you weren't meant to keep yourself all to yourself
You weren't meant to erase your existence from this world
You were meant to create
You were meant to be created
You were meant to shine
To thrive
To live in bliss and wealth and abundance and you were meant to share that bliss and joy and energy and richness with the world
You were meant
You were meant
And I'm lying on the un-swept floor again thinking all hope is lost when a loud "thump" hits my head,
"OUCH! Son of a nutcracker! What in the -"
And there it is -
I turn around and somehow their is a mirror shining in the moonlight, shimmering, reflecting something back to me, it's hard to see because my eyes have been so used to the dark that this new light is overwhelming, painful even - blinding -
I start to crawl closer, not understanding how it could feel so close but be so far away
And I see it -
There -
I found it -
I finally found it -
Myself
Today I am grateful for:
- Peace
- Ease
- Comfort
- Kindness
- Warmth
- The glorious, glorious beautiful weather today - sunny with a side of autumn breeze
- Vision boards
- Feather pens
- Affirmations
- Adorable Spooky Kooky decorations
- "Ghost" lights
- The fact that there is a road in San Antonio, Texas called "Stagehand drive"
- That incredible feeling when you suspend yourself upside down for more than 30 seconds
- Walking into a Goodwill and feeling like a "master builder" as everything around me started to show itself to me as potential costume designs
- Feeling the bustle, excitement and fall bliss in the air
- Pumpkin spice air fresheners
- Time for me
- Harry Potter forever
- Feasts
- Henry V
- The taste of words in my mouth
- Supposedly otters have 'pockets' in their arm pits that they use to store food and sometimes their favorite rock (which they use as a tool) - WHAT?!
- Purified water
- Slow roasted carrots cooked with smoked paprika, oregano, tajin, and diced onions
And I can't
It's like I've lived 29 years in an ice cavern and I finally get to step into the sun and allow myself to melt, to thaw, to release every unnecessary "thing" thought or belief I've held on to, to release myself into myself, to allow, to let go
There's something about it that's so warm
Like an outdoor pool in the height of summer that I've fallen into unexpectedly -
Fearing it would be freezing but finding myself in suspension holding onto each moment breathing slowly and listening to the bubbles in my ears, not really wanting to swim, just wanting to be there, as long as I can, hoping no one will notice, hoping no one will worry about me drowning, hoping they'll just let me fall, just let me sink, and somehow I'll sprout gills and be able to stay, I'll be able to stay here forever, sinking deeper and deeper until I touch the bottom and am swallowed into a blanket of sand that feels like a feathered down blanket, heavy and light, fluffy and white, that wraps its arms around me and holds me tight
Holds me as I always wanted to be held -
This energy
It feels like - how could there have ever been stress -
How could I not have been able to get rest?
In this moment -
It's like a deep exhale, a deep sigh, a relief so deep it releases oxygen in my feet,
It's like a warm brownie into which I want my teeth to sink
It's coziness
It's comfort
It's so warm, like a fire, but a fire that could never burn, a fire that would never harm, a fire that couldn't set off an alarm because it doesn't destroy - it only brings joy, it only brings
This energy
And it's all consuming but it doesn't feel bad
It's blue, but it doesn't feel sad
It's yellow and orange and a little red
It's something that takes me out of my head
And brings me here
Here
In this energy
And I don't want to be anywhere else
And I get it
Why it's so addictive
This breath
This ease
This warmth
This peace
This comfort
This relief
No expectations
No relations
No need for clarification
Just living
Just being
Just listening
Just seeing
So easy
So freeing
So I'll allow myself to sink
I'll allow myself to be on the brink -
of falling
of flying
of finding my way
of feeling
of healing
of lighting the way
I'll be here
I'll be
I'll be here today
In this moment, this lifetime, this brand new way
This energy forever, forever and a day