Prologue: UGH
- Grouchy
- Under rested
- Grumpy
- Left behind
- Angry
- Abandoned
- Mad
- Disappointed
- Cravings
- Those testosterone hormones waiting to tear me apart
Welcome, my friends.
1. I Wrote A Play Today
I told my brain it was 5:30am and that was much too early for anyone to get out of bed. I told my brain that my mother went to sleep after me and deserved rest, and if I woke up I'd wake the whole household (her and the dogs). So my brain of course said, "NAH YOU GET UP NOW. WHEN I SAY JUMP, YOU FLY MOTHA TRUCKA!" So I compromised and stayed in bed while my brain manifested a play. Yeah. And I can't be mad about it-- no, forget that, I can be mad about it and I am. BUT! I felt ashamed of feeling mad about it because I should really feel grateful, right? Who cares.
My brain then notified me that it was in fact now 6:00am and that was a perfectly reasonable time to wake up--the sounds of traffic outside certainly confirmed this and the train passing seemed to scream: "GET UP AND WRITE IT ALREADY, AMY!" So, I said, "okay, but at least let me have breakfast first." So I got up, let the dogs out, brushed my teeth, cooked and ate my breakfast (all as silently as possible with the stupid door hinges taunting me). And then I dove in.
What was essential? Do I write everything down? Does it need to be a full play? What is a 'full play' anyway? I tried to ignore these thoughts as I wrote, trying to get everything down and then move forward from there. Do I really need that character? Do they need to say that? Do they need to be onstage? Every time I thought "well, I don't really know if that's possible to do onstage" I counter-thought, "let someone else decide that and write." So, I wrote, and wrote, and three hours later -- a brand new baby play called Big was born. All I can tell you for now is its a play about basketball and so many other things, it probably runs about 30min if allowed to breathe, and I have no idea what to do next.
Produce it? Do a reading? A workshop? Submit it? Who do I go to? What do I do? Do I do this all myself? I decided the "next best thing" to do was to do nothing. I did wake up at 5:30am and write a play after all. So, I listened to Eddie Redmayne and Stephen Fry read chapters 3 and 4 of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone followed by the corresponding episodes of Harry Potter and the Sacred Texts all while building my new graduation gift: Hagrid's Hut LEGO set from my good friend Mary. Oh, and I baked a chocolate cake from scratch. So, you know, I did nothing.
2. Be Assertive! Be, Be Assertive!
- Passive - act indifferent
- Agressive - loud, demanding, intense, commands
- Passive Aggressive - appear passive, internal aggressive
- Assertive - "say what you mean, mean what you say in a firm and friendly way"
But, what I haven't been great about is actually saying, "Hey, mom, I'm sad. I don't want a hug because I don't want to risk getting or giving the virus, but when you said you were taking a vacation to spend time with me I thought maybe you'd actually spend time with me even if it was 6 feet a part." Or "Hey mom, I was hoping you'd actually rest and take care of yourself during your vacation because I love you and care about you and don't want you to burn out." Or, "Hey, Mom, I'm asking you if you're hungry or if you need help not because I don't think you're capable but because I want to make food for you because its all I can do for you right now to thank you for everything you are doing for me and continue to do for me." Or "Hey mom, I'm sorry I was so grumpy over the phone about Chick fil a being closed, you don't deserve that, I'm really hungry and sad and angry and I miss you and I don't know when you'll even be home even if you are bringing me food and you said "I'll be back in a minute" but its been four hours." Or, "Hey, mom, its okay, I can handle the truth, you don't have to lie to me. I'd actually prefer that you told me the truth like 'I'll be gone all day and you won't see me' rather than me sitting at home like a lost dog waiting for its owner to come home. And its seriously not your fault at all because I'm an adult and its up to me to control my actions and emotions and I don't have to be sad and sit here and wallow in my emotions, but I just wish you would see me. And I'm sad that you weren't 100% engaged in my graduation. And that you left right after it was over because you needed to buy a shower curtain liner right now and I thought maybe you left to grab something to surprise me with like a class of 2020 balloon or flowers or anything but you didn't. And I get that you are busy and working two full-time jobs but you didn't even apologize for being on your computer during the department ceremony, or did you just think it was okay to behave that way because I said I didn't care even though I really did? And is that how I treated you when you visited me at graduate school? Maybe I did and I'm very sorry about that."