Giving someone more energy than they ever gave you
Believing someone who has never come through
Thinking someone's choice to show up affects your value or worth
Deciding not to say something because you'd rather have them than be alone
Honestly believing that maybe when they finally give you a moment or two, at least they'll only be focused on you - hate to break it to you, but that's never true
Actually thinking your fantasy could be a reality
Thinking they're the addict, when it's you who is addicted to them, their well being, or their attention
Expecting someone to fill a role they never have
Thinking that maybe if you do or don't do X thing or say Y thing or if it's a weekend or if they're free or if they're less stressed or if you sing to them or if you write them a poem or if you send them a super secret message or if you gave them the world or they got the job or if they visit the moon, then maybe, just maybe Z person will finally change, or ask you out, or talk to you for more than a moment or two, or they'll finally see you, all of you, they'll kiss you, they'll show up, they'll love you, they'll stop drinking, they'll end their addiction to another, to work, to anything but you - but they won't. because they can't. and nothing you can or can't or will or won't do can help them. you enabling their behavior can't help them. you waiting for them can't help them. they will never show. and even if they do - will it ever be enough? will they ever be enough? will they ever be the person you want them to be? will they ever be the best version of themselves that you see? will they ever be able to give you the time and attention you need and rightly deserve? I'm sorry to say no.
I'm not waiting.
Because even though this is what I know
Because even thought this is what I'm comfortable in
Because even though this is what I know
I'm letting go
I'm moving on
I'm finding an easier, better, place where I belong
Where they show up
Where they respond
Where they care
Where they demonstrate their care for me by being there
And I know it isn't as easy as saying so
And I know it isn't easy to just let you go
But at least I can decide
At least I can try
At least I can look past the wink in your eyes
Down to the fine print in your smile
And know that I'm worth someone who can stay awhile
Because I am worthy
Because I am capable
Because I do deserve space and time and attention
And I do deserve to be mentioned
And I deserve big romantic gestures
And I deserve to be more than an afterthought
So goodbye waiting
Hello online dating
Hello participating
And taking part in my own life
And taking responsibility for my strife
Breathing my lungs back to life
Healing the child inside of myself
Who spent her whole life being put on a shelf
Who waited and waited for her dreams to come true
Dreams that never existed
And can't with you
But someday they will
Someday someone will call her name
And they'll tell her how glad they are that she came
And they'll help her step out of this pain
And step into her own power she can regain
And they might be me
In fact, that is true
I'm here
And I've been waiting for you
I've been waiting for this beautiful woman who has suddenly appeared
Who loves zumba and running and yoga and singing and dancing and adventures and writing and poetry and spoken word and creating things no one has ever heard
I love her and I am so glad she is here -
I can only imagine where she'll be next year
And it is okay to cry
And it is okay to be sad
And it is okay to be angry
And you will not always be around to protect someone, so why lie to them and say you will? And why say nothing can hurt them or that they are safe as long as you are around when you are the thing that is making them feel not safe.
Because yelling at someone has never resolved anything
Because passive aggressively telling someone to "calm down" when they're angry has never helped
Because judgmentally asking "what's wrong with you?" instead of genuinely caring about someone's emotional well-being does not help
Because you are saying that not being happy is wrong
Because you are saying their emotions are wrong
Because you don't care about their emotions - you just want them to stop feeling the way they do so they can help you and feel the way you want them to
Because your abuser doesn't give you the right to abuse
And just because the abuse wasn't physical or sexual doesn't mean it wasn't real
Because I am not your counselor
Because I am not responsible for your emotional well being
Because I have asked you not to talk to me about these things
But you still do
Because you refuse to take care of yourself in the ways you need
Because I deserve better
Because I don't need this negativity
Because I don't need to hear this
Because this is not my responsibility
Because I am allowed to be happy
Because no one said unconditional love was healthy
Because sometimes space is needed
Because maybe it's time
To give up on this fantasy
And create my own