Prologue: It's Okay To Process
- I have the privilege of turning off the TV or closing the Facebook app or playing video games
- I have the privilege of walking for miles around my neighborhood without the fear of someone shooting me or calling the cops on me because "I look like I don't belong here" because of the color of my skin
- I have the privilege of being silent and saying I'm not the problem and blaming others
- I have the privilege of living off my savings during an infinite pandemic
- I have the privilege of inheriting generational wealth through my parents
- I have the privilege of getting my first job through my mother without an interview
- I have the privilege of a criminal-free record because I was let off with warnings, a slap on the wrist, a one-on-one talk in the principal's office, detention, covered up school expulsion, or a simple "kids having fun and being silly"
- I have the privilege of leaving my house and believing I will come back home safely at the end of the day
- I have the privilege of feeling safe and protected when a police officer is around and expecting a friendly smile, greeting, or long conversation from them because they see me and assume I am not a threat
- I have the privilege of being permitted to ride on multiple trains for free for significantly long journeys because I "remind" them "of their daughter" while the poc passengers near me are forced to show their tickets, identification, and told to pay up or get off the train
- I have the privilege of going to Villanova University without my presence being questioned or my identification being requested because of my skin color
- I have the privilege of getting bachelor's AND master's degree
- I have the privilege of getting bachelor's AND master's degree without debt
- I have the privilege of attending a magnet high school that wasn't picked based on my address but my "academic ability" and "leadership potential"
- I have the privilege of flying home every holiday to visit my family and friends
- I have the privilege of strangers pulling over and helping me when in car accidents, strangers who ask me if I'm okay and make sure I am before leaving even if the accident was my fault
- I have the privilege of affording eye surgery
- I have the privilege of affording sinus surgery
- I have the privilege of affording allergy shots
- I have the privilege of affording health care
- I have the privilege of affording behavioral therapy and counseling
- I have the privilege of seeing people that looked like me in all of the books I read and movies I watched as a child and to this day
- People don't ask me, "Can I help you?" every time I walk into a business, restaurant, room, or hotel
- I have the privilege of seeing myself in every single Hallmark, Disney, Pixar, Harry Potter, Avengers, and Star Wars movie
- I have the privilege of two parents always able to financial support me and take me into their homes
- I have the privilege of three fantastic friends who have been with me since middle school
- I have the privilege of a support system
- I have the privilege of an extended family that loves me dearly
- I have the privilege of studying abroad / leaving the country multiple times
- I have the privilege of my skin tone nude always being available in the shoes, clothes, bras, socks, underwear, or makeup I want
- I have the privilege of going to hair salon and knowing someone there is able to cut or style my hair
- I have the privilege of mentors and leaders who look like me
- I have the privilege of actresses on Broadway who look like me
- My great-great-grandparents were NOT slaves
- My godmother owns a house
- My parents pay for my groceries
- I don't watch people who look like me die day after day at the hands of people who's job is to "protect and serve"
- I don't watch people who like me portrayed as criminals 24/7
- I don't watch people who look like me who gather in groups "rioters" instead of "peaceful protestors"
- People didn't pretend to help my family and secretly infect them with Syphilis instead
- My great-great-great grandparents weren't used as medical test subjects because their lives weren't valued
- My educators and people who fed me as a child were not labelled as the greatest threat to US security in history
- A president did not start a war against my race or expertly strategize how to break and/or infiltrate families like mine
- My friends were not afraid of the "three strikes your out" law when they smoked marijuana
1. Confessions of a Silent Bystander
Things I am ashamed of:
- I was part of creating a scavenger hunt where students had to take pictures of themselves doing certain things. A few things were 'harmless' like "take a picture of you with someone's shoe." But, a few of the things were "take a picture with a black person," "take a picture with an asian," "take a picture with someone else's purse." We thought taking a picture with a black person or asian would make the scavenger hunt more challenging because "there are so few of them." We also had things like "take a picture of yourself and a teacher doing gang signs" or "take a picture with a chola/o" (a derogatory term for a stereotype of a latino/a). The scavenger was thankfully brought to a halt by the administration when they got hold of the list of things students were supposed to find with my email address. They brought me into their office and instead of expelling me or punishing me in any way they had a one on one discussion with me, talked about how horrible it would be if the media got a hold of this, and told me to never tell anyone about this because they didn't want bad publicity for the school, and let me off with a warning AND NO PUNISHMENT OR EDUCATION.
- I was part of a group project that was supposed to be about the Arawak Native American tribe. All I remember about the project was that we made a puppet show with Christopher Columbus and American 'indian' puppets where the Christopher Columbus puppet said something like "do this or I will sneeze on you" and then he laughed like a Disney villain. This was all part of a larger project which was presented as a video in front of the entire class. We got an A and our teacher didn't pull us aside or ever talk to us about how horribly offensive our presentation was.
- When I was a very small kid, I once drew a swastika on a kid's arm in pen because I thought it looked cool and I supposedly didn't know what it meant???
- Later, in undergrad, I used swastikas in a collage art project for no reason except maybe then I still thought they looked cool???????? I completely forgot about this until I was going through some old art projects I had stored away. And no one said anything. No one questioned it. No one asked for me to justify it. It was just accepted as 'art' despite it seriously having no purpose.
- At one point, as a kid, I had a confederate flag belt buckle that said "rebel" because I thought it made me look cool (and I had no idea what it meant AT ALL)
- I was brainwashed to have pride in my state, country, and city and constantly told to "Remember the Alamo" when I really should have been saying "remember when Mexico wanted to abolish slavery before America and Texas wanted to keep their slaves so badly they fought a whole war so they could separate from Mexico and claim independence?"
- I rejected a free-ride to play on a college basketball team because it was an all-black school and they wanted me to "diversify" the team.
- I went to the undergraduate college I went to partially because I knew their demographics were 90% white and I spent most of my life as a white-skinned Latina in a majority hispanic demographic area and I wanted to go somewhere where I thought I'd "fit in" and where people would look like me.
- I am technically a Mexican American (my grandmother immigrated here from Mexico), but I look like I am 100% white and I feel guilty nearly every day because I earned a scholarship meant for minorities despite looking how I look.
- I was expelled from a school for cheating and the entire thing was covered up by switching school districts so the other school district never knew anything negative ever happened.
- I have sat silently in the car with people who have talked about how many n-words they are going to hit with their car and how certain n-words were worth more points.
- I have stood by silently while people have trained their babies to physically harm a certain stuffed animal because it has black skin.
- I have sat silently while people have said things like "wet-back" and n-word and urban and other code words and blatant derogatory terms
- I was told to be careful in Mexico or whenever we were traveling in a city close to the border because "they like little white girls"
- Anytime I am going to a non-white area of town people tell me to be safe or that I need to be careful or tell me not to go and I stay silent
- I rolled up my windows, turned my music down, and locked my doors multiple times when driving in a neighborhood I saw had mostly black residents
- I held my purse like it was my lifeline when walking the streets of Philadelphia
- Someone gave me pepper spray for Christmas when they heard I was moving to Philadelphia
- I am afraid of homeless people
- I am afraid of strangers approaching me at all times
- I have done stereotypical accents of various cultures and brushed them off as silly voices
- I have laughed at racist jokes people have told me because I thought it was an okay thing to do and completely harmless
- I have said the n-word when giving an actor their line (because it was in their line) despite having no reason to actually say the word (thankfully I was pulled aside and talked to about this and have never nor will I ever do it again)
- I used to watch 106 and Park on BET when I was home alone every summer and appropriated a lot of what I saw there and in the music I listened to and took those things as if they were my own
- I used to think it was okay to say the n-word if singing a long to a song
- I used to think anyone could make it in this world if they worked hard enough
- I have been in the room where people have said "but they're not really black" or "they're really white" or "that side of town" or "those people" or "but they're not like them" or "dirty mexicans" or "not like us" or "chinos" (referring to unwanted wealthy asian populations at shopping malls) and I have stayed silent
I confess all of these terrible things because I know they are terrible things and I want to learn from them and I want you to learn from them. I want us to grow together and be better because I have lived, I have learned, and I see how horrible all of these things are and I want to do better and I believe we can do better. I am so sorry to all who I have offended, hurt, and indirectly harmed because I didn't speak up. Black Lives Matter. Silence is violence. I will not be silent. I am writing, emailing, calling. I am signing petitions. I am registered to vote and I am voting. I am donating. I am learning, reading, listening. I am growing. I hope you can forgive me for these terrible things and we can grow together. <3
2. Affirmations for a New World
- Black Lives Matter
- We live in an infinite universe
- We live in a safe and friendly universe
- All is well
- We choose love every single day
- We create loving and supportive relationships