You said
You said you would always be there
You said
You said I was everything to you
You promised
You said
You said it was me and you forever
You said
You said you’d always be there
You said
You said you’d never let me down
You said you’d kill anyone who would hurt me
You said you’d make sure they were dead
You said
You said you’d always watch over me
You said I was your love
Your light
Your life
Your reason for living
You said
You said call
You said
You said ask
You said I had no need to worry
That I could just call
You said
You said so many things
But then you hurt me
Time
After
Time
After
Time
You left me
You
Said
You said you’d love me no matter what
You said
You said you’d love me unconditionally
You said
You said it would be me and you against the world
You said
We’d bake cookies and watch Christmas movies and no one would ever come between us
You said
You’d be there
You said
You’d always be there
Why do we make such promises?
Such promises we know, deep down, we could never keep?
Why do we tell people no one will ever hurt them while we’re around?
How could we possibly protect them now or forever?
How could we possibly protect them from ourselves?
From our words?
From our mistakes?
From our selfishness?
All this time.
All this time you thought you were protecting me
All this time you thought you were taking care of me
You said
So many things
And you wanted them to be true
You never intended to hurt me
To make me cry
To leave me sobbing on the floor
You didn’t know
You said everything you did was for me
And I believed you
You said
How hateful I was
How ugly
You played your war out on my body
On my mind
With your words
You said
It was my fault
With your words and your actions and your lack of words and actions
You told me I was your everything
And then I was nothing
Nothing to you
And I always thought you did these things for me
You said you did these things for me
But they weren’t for me
They were for you
Because you needed to be needed
Desperately
You needed someone else to need you
Desperately
And I did
And I do
But sometimes needing someone isn’t right
No one should need someone else
Because need is different than want
Need is different than love
Need is addiction
Need is inflexible
Need is unforgiving
Need is life or death
Need isn’t love
Need is an unquenchable thirst that lasts a lifetime
Need is something that is never truly solved
Need is not love
Need is not what I wanted
Nobody wants to need someone
Nobody wants to need someone else in order to live
To survive
To make rent
To drive
To have a phone
To eat
Need is not love
And even when I needed you
You weren’t there
You
Weren’t
There
Why weren’t you there?
Why couldn’t you have been there?
How could you be so selfish?
How could you lie to me?
How could you break this illusion you had created as law?
How could you be wrong?
How could you, who had taught me so long –
How could you, who’s word had been law –
How could you?
You said
You said if I called, you would answer
You said if I needed you, you would be there
You said if I was tired
If I was hungry
If I was sad
You said don’t worry
You said don’t cry
You said don’t feel
You said don’t live
But the truth is I do
Feel
I do
Worry
I do
Live
And I want to
And I want to be happy
And I am
And I understand you are human
And I understand you are not perfect
But I didn’t
I didn’t know then
That you could hurt someone so deeply that you said you loved so much
I didn’t know you were ever capable of something like that
All those years
You said you’d protect me
But you didn’t know you were the person you had to protect me from
You didn’t know it was your lies that shaped me
You didn’t know it was you who changed me
You didn’t know there was a reason I said I hate you
You didn’t know
How did you not know?
Guess?
You thought what – this was just part of growing up?
You thought that someone you knew their whole life just suddenly went from loving you so deeply to complete hatred because of what, hormones?
How could you not see?
How could you not notice?
Why weren’t you there?
Why weren’t you there for me?
Why was it so easy for him to take you away from me?
And her?
And her? And her? And her?
Why would you tell me you’d always be with me when you knew that could never be true?
Why did you leave me time and time again?
Were you lying to yourself too?
Do you?
Still?
Think that everything you do is for me?
That every day you struggle
That every hour you work in a place you hate is for me?
Or is it maybe because you need to be needed –
By me
By your employees
By everyone
You couldn’t stand It if you weren’t
If no one needed you
If they just wanted you
Why isn’t that enough for you?
Why can’t you ever be happy?
Why do you have to constantly live in this lie?
Saying you are living for others –
But unable to do anything for others because you can’t do anything for yourself
When will you love yourself?
When will you forgive yourself?
When will you forgive yourself for what you did to yourself?
When will you heal?
When will you let go?
When will you finally be here?
When will you finally show?
For me?
For her?
For anyone?
For yourself?
Do you know how long I thought it was my fault?
How long I blamed myself?
For your misery?
For your choices?
For your decision to have me
And live your life with people you hate doing things you hate?
Have you ever been happy?
I don’t remember the last time I saw you happy
I want you to be happy
I do
But it’s like you refuse to
And there are these moments when I think everything is fine
And suddenly
It breaks
The illusion
The glass
The pain
And I see you again
And I’m frozen
And I want to forgive you
And I want to love you
But instead I need you
Instead I need to fix you
To heal you
To make you feel happy
To take responsibility for your feelings
For your choices
For your pain
For your life
But it’s not my responsibility
You are not my responsibility
I am
I am mine and no one else’s
Not even yours
No matter how many times you try to tell me otherwise
No matter how many times you try
No matter how many times
No matter how
You said
It’s ending
I’m finding my way
I’m learning
Without you
You talk about other people
And how they don’t know
How they don’t understand
You mock me for not knowing the full scope of life –
But how could I?
How could I know when you never taught me?
When you handed everything to me on a silver platter and then mocked me for eating?
How could I know what it would take not to say no to others but to say no to you?
How could I know what it would take to discipline myself
When it is so easy to keep the ivy in
When it is so easy to give up
And give in
And fawn
And be the baby you want me to be
And stay the child you wish I still was
How could I know?
I couldn’t
I couldn’t know
So thank you for giving me this opportunity
To grow
To learn
To be free
To discipline myself
And create my own wealth
And I’m not perfect
And every day is a struggle
Weighted with your world and mine
Trying to stay alive
Trying to survive
Unsure of how to thrive
Because you never showed me
Because you never wanted me to
Because you knew if I did then I wouldn’t need you
Where does the happiness begin?
Where does the suffering go?
Will you ever be someone that I used to know
Hoping
Hoping there is someone out there just like you
Waiting
Wishing
Hoping
On a star
On a moon
On a song
Praying
That one day
They would come up to you and say,
"Thank you for finding me."
Clinging to a sheet
A pillow
A tree
Desperately
Holding on
So scared to let go
So scared to show
So scared they already know
So scared you'll be too much
Like you were before
And they'll see you and go running for the door
Saying they can't take this anymore
Leaving you crying on the floor
How can you live unless you die?
Today I am grateful for:
- Fruits Basket
- Ouran Host Club
- Friends who invite me into their worlds, who teach me things, who ask me things, who guide me, who share things with me like stories and moments and fear and hope
- Time
- Puffs with lotion
- Shipt
- Staying
- Being where I am meant to be
- Seeing feathers everywhere
- Knowing its okay to care and feel and grow and heal
- Seeing the vulnerability and complexity in others
- Peace
- Ease
- Comfort
- Tea
- Sleep
- Kindness
- Generosity
- Knowing one day, someday
- Knowing this too shall pass
- Knowing and not knowing how love will last
- Letting go and holding on to the past
- Remembering
- Forgiving
- Healing
- Dealing
- The child who flossed with me at the end of the show
- The group of screaming girls who said goodbye to me at the end of the show
- Seeing a baby sea lion mimic a child and interact with him through the glass
- Silly shenanigans
- Cheesy pick up lines
- Meeting new people
- Trying new things
- Knowing if I could, it would be with you, I'd sing