And I can't breathe
And I'm gasping
Trying to suck the air out of the room
Trying to, to stay alive
No matter how much I want to die
No matter how much I want this to end
To end all this pain
Before it begins
To just throw it all away
It would be so much easier
For me
And I wish you were here
And I wish you were real
And I wish I wasn’t so desperately alone
And I wish I had you to whom to come home
To cry to
To lean into and just let go
To release all my tears
To release all my pain
To release all my fears
And you’d calm me
And you’d ground me
And you’d tell me it was okay
That it would be okay
"You’re okay," you'd say
And you'd tell me that I’m safe
That it's okay to cry
That it's okay to be mad
That it's okay to be sad
That it's okay to feel hurt and wronged
That it's okay to feel like you don't belong
That it's okay to wonder and worry and to be caught off guard
And not to overthink it because I think too hard
Because I thought I was doing such a good job
Because I thought I was a shining star
Because I thought one day I'd be able to get far
And then they tell me I am nothing
And I take it as a fact
I bottle my emotions and I try not to react
And I toss these lies over and over in my head
And I try to make them make sense as I lay in my bed
All this time?
Was it true all this time?
And I'm just living a lie?
It's like thinking your purse is purple and being told that it's green
It's like thinking you have a dog, but they tell you its a tree
It's like going into a chapel and being told you're a bumble bee
It's like running through a forest while being told you're a stool
It's like shooting billboards and someone tries to jump in the pool
It's so damn confusing
And it doesn't feel right
And I wish someone would wake me up or turn on the light
And tell me to stop dreaming
And tell me to stop screaming
To stop grasping for the air
That it's okay that I wasn't full aware
I want someone to shake me and wake me from this nightmare
Did I think I was doing well and all this time I’ve just been swallowed in a whale?
Am I a liar if I thought it was the truth?
And who was I lying to?
Them or myself?
And why I am I so goddamn insecure?
Why does it take so little to make me unsure?
And they tell me I’m not in trouble
And they tell me I’m good
They tell me I’m fine
And I don't want to whine
And they tell me “I’d know”
But would I?
I mean - I didn't see this coming, so could I?
And I’ve been trying so hard
To “fix” my behavior
To “fix” myself
As if I’m some broken shelf
As if I'm some pipe in need of repair
Gushing sewage everywhere
Not knowing
Thinking I’m working just fine
When really, I've just crossed some borderline
And all of a sudden you tell me I’m no longer a pipe,
I’m just a washer left in with a screw and it looks like I’m coming untrue
And they ask me if anything is wrong
"Amy, is there something going on?"
And I'm reminded of my mother and her fear of dementia and how she has to deal with every mistake as a threat potential
And I think - no, no, we're not there -
But I wonder how they keep catching me unaware
And I ask myself, "Is there? Is there something wrong?"
And I feel so overwhelmed because I don't really know
I thought I was fine, but you're telling me no?
Please tell me how I can prevent myself from getting injured
Please tell me how I can prevent mistakes
Please tell me how I can prevent accidents
Can you?
Do you?
When was the last time you went back in time and re-wrote your "crime?"
Who the hell do you think I am?
God?
Do you think I have some plan?
And if you really think I'm broken - how broken is it that I am?
So broken that I can't even see it myself?
So broken that I have to be put on a shelf?
And poked at?
And proded?
And put under a light?
And told that something just isn't quite right?
And it feels like I’m being blamed
And it feels like I'm being shamed
And I wonder if others are being talked to too
Or if its just me and me and you
Because I’m not the only one
But please don't ask me, "Who?"
So why does it feel like I'm the only one who has work to do?
Why am I the only one who has to rethink their entire identity,
Why am I the only one who has to question their essence and being?
Their behavior?
Their instincts?
Their in-betweens?
Why do I have to be the one who “isn’t aware” when I’m the only one seeing?
So many people tired, sick, and suffering
And what?
It's just me?
Because what - they didn't report it?
Because they didn't get treatment?
Because they didn't tell anyone?
Why do I get punished for following your rules?
And I try so hard
To follow the rules
To listen
To do the right thing
To make things better
To be better
I try SO hard
I give so much of myself to you
For what?
To be yelled at for being myself?
To be told “it doesn’t look like I care?"
To be called out on my behavior?
Again?
Again?
Again?
To be told that there are conversations happening about me
Around me
Without me?
About what?
About my mistakes?
About my failures?
As if what?
I’m not trying?
As if I’m not dying?
As if I'm not killing my body to do what I love because its everything I ever wanted?
And I love it so much
And I don't want to go,
But it feels like every time I get talked to that it's going to be my last show
And you make me feel like I just can’t stop f*cking up
Like I’m such a disappointment
Like I can’t do anything right
And I want to get promoted?
And I want to get seen in a positive light?
What am I even doing?
What illusion am I caught in?
Why are we so far apart?
We’re not on different pages – not even in different books,
It’s like I’m on a cassette tape and you're AOL
I'm thinking everything’s going well,
but you’re pulling out my wires and threads and showing me to be a stuffed fool
Some dumb piece of fluff starting to drool
And why do I take these things so personally?
Why do I feel the need to change who I need to be?
Why is it so hard for you to see me?
Why is it so easy for me to blame me?
Why is it so easy for me to shame me?
Why is it so easy for me to try to delete myself?
Why do I work so hard to restructure myself into who I think you want me to be?
Why do I have to pretend to be happy?
Why do you pretend to care?
Why do your words make me feel such despair?
Maybe it's because I never meant to be here
Because I'm still grieving the things that never breathed air
Because I want to do my best
Because I want to be better
And you're making me feel like an unknitted sweater
And I know it's not your fault
And I know it's my thoughts
But I can't help but feel targeted and shot
Hunted down like a drone
Or a deer
Or a fly
And am I really the only one
Who is coming undone?
More Sappy Love Songs
This first one is dedicated to all the people to whom I've been saying goodbye.
We've had so many people with last days at SW and I love them all and will miss them dearly. Though I am so proud of them and happy for them to follow their dreams! I wish them the best and hope to see them again soon!
Today I am grateful for:
- Tarot
- YouTube
- Venmo
- Song
- My voice
- My ability to make choices
- My ability to walk away
- New opportunities
- New visions
- Seeing and exploring the wealth of my options
- My mother
- My best friend
- Marco Polo
- Peace, joy, laughter
- The fact that I woke up today