A new mantra
"Your future is not the answer to your present"
― Gary John Bishop, Unfu*k Yourself: Get Out of Your Head and into Your Life
It's like discovering you're a hero in a film series. You think there is only one movie, you go through the storyline searching for that final plot point and then, after the credits roll, you find out that you have a sequel. So then you do the sequel, you get the girl, you find the necklace, you cover the sand pit, credits roll, and suddenly you realize its actually a trilogy, and maybe you're not the main character after all, maybe you're like a really sexy co-star, and then there are no credits and you find out its a TV show! Wait, for god's sake - is this a musical?
My point is, I find myself lost in a future forrest A LOT. Constantly worrying about the future or trying to make sense of the un-sense-able. Trying to control the uncontrollable. Living moment to moment, procrastinating, thinking somehow tomorrow will bring something better even though I've done nothing today to improve tomorrow. And, even if tomorrow does bring something better, what about right now?
It reminds me of my favorite quote from Meredith Wilson's The Music Man (a show which I tried so desperately to hate because of its historically white straight cis-male central character, but I cannot for the life of me deny that it is a beautiful wonderful show and I love every second of it - especially the Ten Thousand Things version performed with about 8 actors). The quote is said by the main character, Harold Hill, who says to Miss Marion, the librarian, "You pile up enough tomorrows, and you'll find you are left with nothing but a lot of empty yesterdays. I don't know about you, but I'd like to make today worth remembering.”
And while we can discuss whether his words were genuine or not, I do want to create a day worth remembering. I want every day to end with me thinking - man, I don't want it to be over, what a beautiful day, but also be okay with it being over because I know tomorrow will be another beautiful day. Or at least, I'll know that I don't know and I can't know what each day or even what each moment will bring and I can let go of this obsession to control or orchestrate each moment and instead just appreciate what I have and where I am and be present.
This hit me particularly hard last week when I was so wrapped in a negative self-talk loop in a comparison game filled with self-hatred that I nearly missed the fact that my crush physically touched me 3 times within a matter of 15minutes in ways that were unprompted, unnecessary, and very welcomed. And. I. Missed. It. I spend endless hours fantasizing about this person and dreaming of interacting with them and hoping they'll make some big romantic gesture and waiting to make my move until they make theirs and THERE THEY WERE at least not showing indifference, and where was I? Lost in the forrest of tomorrow. Lost in the twister of negative self talk. And I don't want that. I mean, nobody wants that. I want to be there. I want to notice. I want to stop being indifferent myself and actually be able to express myself and how I feel about them because I am present and responding - not lost in the maze of my mind!
So yeah, the future is not the answer to your present. Thanks, Gary.
A new look
This Friday was a milestone for me because despite saying how cute I looked and taking pride in my braces, I was still very hesitant and still under the impression that braces made me unloveable and undateable. I tried my best to hide them behind my mask and by using clear rubber bands and even when folks would flirt with me I'd tell myself that they'd recoil in horror if I removed my mask to showcase my metal smile.
So, I've tried to be very upfront with them. I've tried to post them clearly on social media. If I've liked someone, I try to make sure they see them so they aren't surprised and so I can see if they'll still flirt with me even after knowing I have braces. Yeah, I'm working on that whole self-kindness thing, but it doesn't help that I grew up seeing braces be ridiculed and exaggerated all over major television, especially every single kid's show I watched growing up. It's a journey and all part of my aim to love myself exactly as I am, so I was very happy to finally allow myself to "embrace" my braces this past Friday when I finally got green rubber bands. It felt like I was shouting to myself and to the world, "No more hiding. No more filtering. No more dimming my light for others. I am here. I am myself. And I am going to be all that I am. Because there is no one else in the world exactly like me and I've got work to do. So, let's do this thang."
A new outlook
A new home
I am especially grateful to everyone who helped me move in and who provided me all that I needed to move in quickly and easily. Thank you, thank you, thank you! If you would like to send me a home warming gift, please check out my wish list above! Highly recommend Target, HEB, and/or IKEA gift cards or Venmo me directly at @Amy-Abrigo!
A new show
So, a thousand apologies to all those previous directors or supervisors who tried to tell me I was anything but perfect (who were and are right, obviously) - I am truly sorry for my constant defensiveness and blaming my performance or behavior on the faults of others. Wow-ie. Working on it, ya'll, I really am, and I really am getting better so thank you so much for your patience! The fact that I even recognize this now is a miracle. Looking forward to getting better every day and for all that constructive criticism! Let's do it!
Also, please come see the show! We open June 4th! If you're curious about what specific days I'll be working, I work Thursdays and Sundays throughout May, and as we get closer to June I'll have more info on my summer schedule. Please feel free to message me and I can let you know! Also, I still have discounted passes so please reach out for those!
A new gratitude list
- I am grateful to my parents and family and best friend for making my move as easy and efficient as possible.
- I am grateful for the YMCA and Zumba and Yoga.
- I am grateful for my soft and glorious long hair and the fact that I am starting to get used to it, learning how to style it, and actually allowing and claiming it as my own instead of as an accessory or part that is not originally mine and therefore not me.
- I am so grateful for my soft and comfortable bed.
- I am grateful to the AT&T support specialist, Ben, who helped get my Wifi setup and repaired quickly and easily.
- I am grateful for Wifi.
- I am grateful to the gentleman who carried both my washer and dryer up 3 flights of stairs and installed them correctly and quickly in my apartment.
- I am grateful for laundry.
- I am grateful for in-home laundry.
- I am grateful for my co-workers and their patience and support and beauty and kindness and friendship and positivity and community.
- I am grateful for employee cafeterias and their discounted prices.
- I am grateful for free food.
- I am grateful for discount produce any day any time.
- I am grateful for free water bottles.
- I am grateful for bananas and grapes and watermelon and blueberries and blackberries and raspberries.
- I am grateful for cooked carrots and sweet potatoes and grilled chicken and warm turkey.
- I am grateful for sourdough bread french toast.
- I am grateful for overnight oats.
- I am grateful for warm mugs of tea.
- I am grateful for the sweet sweet miracle of honey.
- I am grateful for you and for me.