Delicious Dangerous Devouring of Disposition
But here I am
In it
This condition
This pattern
This reprise
This self-demise
This undesired chorus
This 2nd bridge
Waiting for a change for what already is
And just because I failed doesn’t mean I can’t start again
But I'm a headless chicken screaming in my own caged pen
Lost in this guilt
Lost in this shame
Shedding discomfort as I sing through the pain
Getting lost in the multiple levels of this nobody-wins game
Because binging doesn’t start and end with food
It doesn't only happen when you're in a bad mood
It’s everything
It's anything
It's over-consuming life
It's heaviness
It's desperateness
it's unbearable strife
It is a hungry spirit that cannot be satisfied
A side-splitting breath that cannot be denied
A desperate thirst that cannot be quenched
A lifeless force that refuses to die but also refuses to live
It’s not being able to meal prep without eating half of it
It’s cutting up three mangos and eating them before you sit down
It’s angrily choosing to eat the entire box of cookies because this is what you do
This is what you need
This is the only way you know to self soothe
To comfort
To find release
To get that serotonin
Or the endorphins
Or that high
That cortisol
That stress response
That needs to be tamed
Or rein-flamed
Is it the unease or the peace that caused this disease?
Is it the knowing it will all be okay that makes you want to take it away?
its money
its friends
its work
its conversations
You want everything
All the time
All at once
As much as you can
believing you have no limits
believing for the first time, in an unhealthy way, that anything is possible
that you can drink someone
that you can swallow a building whole
that you can milk the last ounce of someone's soul
You think the budget is going too well
So you decide to spend $500 on clothes that you don’t need
You decide you're too healthy so all of a sudden you start to bleed
You have the job of your dreams,
But you decide to spend $1500+ on classes and certifications
Because you’re not quite sure
And you know your parents will pay for it even though it all feels like a blur,
You are no longer their responsibility
But you no longer take responsibility
Binging is making a budget and then choosing to go $3000 over it because you can
Binging is moving out even though you don’t have to
Binging is staying up watching 12 hours of television because “you can’t stop”
Binging is recoding “one more video”
Or trying “one more time”
Or taking “one more bite”
Or finishing the plate
Or the bowl
Or the cake
Or the pan
Or the man
Binging is refusing to acknowledge you bought the sourdough bread
Or you baked the brownies
Or you took home the sushi
Or you said yes to the slice of cake bigger than your face
Binging is saying no to yourself and your needs and your desires so much that when there is even the slightest chance to grasp for that thing, that person, that place,
You reach out for dear life and claw your nails into their face,
And you gasp in wonder at their response
Lost
and thirsty
and dripping with their blood
Binging is thinking you have to look at every single item in a store before you can leave
Because you "need" to know
Because you don’t want to risk missing one hair bow
That will somehow change your life
That will somehow solve your problems
[That you’ve created]
That will somehow make you happy
That will somehow fill that void
That will somehow make you feel less alone and less annoyed
That will help you see
That will help you be
That will heal your heart so you'll finally be free
of what?
yourself?
or is it me?
And you'll find that someone
and you'll find that place
That will allow you to pour yourself into a beautiful confined space
Like a warm soup coming to a boil
Being poured into a ceramic bowl
And served to a smiling man with a bristly mustache
Who drinks you up and is satisfied by the warm glow you bring to his stomach
And you’re left
Empty
Nothing
Not really anything anymore
Because you gave yourself away
Whatever you had to give
You emptied your cup
If you had a cup
Or are you the cup?
Either way you’re not quite there
Or you aren’t sure where there is
And someone asks you what you like to do for fun
And you’re not sure
And someone asks you what you like
And you don’t know
And someone asks you where you want to go
And you say home
But when you’re home you don’t feel home
You feel nothing but alone
And then you’re back
To the start of the track
Pressing fast forward but being brought back
Trying to stop but the tapes all out of whack
And you’re losing track
You’re losing
You’re choosing
You can’t redirect
Because you’re starving
You’re starving for life
You’re starving for connection
For human contact
You’re starving for something bigger than yourself
You’re starving for wealth
You’re starving for ambition
For dreams
For glorious purpose
You can’t
You will
You don’t
You do
You must
You won’t
You can
You shall
And you know it will be okay
So you choose self-sabatoge today
Because somehow you can’t stay
Still
You can’t have peace
You can’t breathe ease
Because you were raised to be in chaos
You were raised to be anxious
To be worried
To be flurried
You never witnessed calm
You never witnessed peace
You never knew what it meant to be free
So whenever you find yourself in these moments, you crave release
You think, “Anything, anything but this, please!”
Because your subconscious finds security in lack of security
You’re heart finds comfort in instability
So you have to try again
You have to lie again
You have to play pretend
You have to end this pattern
Stop
Please
Stop
Breathe
In
Breathe
Out
Is this adding?
Breathe
In
Breathe
Out
What do you get?
Breathe
In
Breathe
Out
Is this really what you want?
Breathe
In
Breathe
Out
It’s okay
I forgive you
I see you
In your pain
I forgive you
I see you
In this plain
Of nonexistence
Of regret
Of not feeling enough
Of constantly whispering, "Are we there yet?"
But no one can give you that which you seek
No one can fill your cup if it leaks
You have to
Because you aren't a cup
you aren't broken
you aren't something that needs to be fixed
you are a human being
you are a human being
You can just laugh
You can see me
And I can see you
And we both know we have work to do
And that’s okay
We’re okay
Breathe
In
Breathe
Out
I won’t go away
And neither will this habit
Not without conscious choice
And patience
And compassion
And listening to your inner voice
And we can keep going along
Stumbling drunk to an old song
But I’d rather stop concealing
I’d rather start feeling
I’d rather build a home
I’d rather feel less alone
I’d rather stop living my life like I’m a brainless drone
Fog eating
Not sleeping
Dreaming of running
Pushing my body so hard I can’t even endure
Can’t run
Can’t jump
And my eyes are starting to blur
Gotta stop
Gotta walk
Gotta look where I’m going
Gotta find the trigger
Gotta think bigger
Gotta stop and breathe before I fall
Let go
Release
Stop seeking outside validation
Stop seeking full-time benefits with a vacation
Stop seeking that high
Stop seeking that guy
But where do I get it instead?
How do I feel less dead?
What’s the healthy substitute?
How do I redirect and tell myself the truth?
How do I stop running?
How do I stop reeling?
How do I allow myself to feel all that I’m feeling?
How do I know that I am enough?
How do I know that I have all that I need?
How do I say, “This too shall pass?”
How do I tell my stress response – you have all that you need – you are safe – we can figure it out – it is okay or it will be okay or it is okay not to be okay but we can’t just eat our life away
So
Hey!
Hey!
What are you doing?
I was – I was writing a poem?
Really?
Yeah, I – Wait, who are you?
You
Huh
And you?
Well, that’s obvious, isn’t it?
Not very friendly.
Okay harry potter quote
Are you surprised?
Never
Okay, look, are you gonna sit here moping and wallowing all night? Because I’ve got a life I’d like to live and I’d really rather spend my time in a better brighter place than this.
I’m over here trying to feel things
Okay, and I’m over here trying to say, hey, you had your time, let’s move it along
Rude
Dude
Oh so no you’re the poet
Look, the point is – I get it, your sad, your mad, you’re a human being, blah blah blah, so can we let go of this moment and move on? Because this whole grieving for over a year thing is getting old and people have places to go, you know, they can’t be catering to your ‘feelings’ all the time.
My feelings? Listen, do you even know why I do this?
Because you enjoy pity parties.
No
*Eyebrow raise*
No – I do this because I am a sympathetic person –
Empath
Okay, and I understand that by sharing my feelings and my deeper emotions
Boring boring boring
By writing about things that people don’t normally write about, I can show them they are not alone and somehow simultaneously feel less alone myself and hope that one day, even if I never see it, that I can help someone see and observe their struggles too and maybe get an idea or resolve some inner pain or take a step towards healing
Oh so now you’re some kind of saint healing the universe
Goddess
Oh boy
Ok, no, I’m a writer, expressing my experiences to help the loneliest mammals on the planet feel less isolated and alone
Hmm
Don’t hmm me
Hmm
*deep breath*
What do you want from me?
I want you to have more opinions about your own life
and preferences than you do others.
What?
If I asked you what your best friend likes to do, you would say?
Karoake. Cosplay. Playing her ukelele and singing and dancing and going out and being with people and going to the beach and spending time with her dad and having deep conversations about life and the universe and going on walks and Marco Polo-ing and making Tik Toks and learning about herself and growing into herself and re-parenting herself and learning what makes her tick and why and recognizing her triggers and working on stepping into her best self, she likes tarot and witchy things, and she loves halloween because its the one time you can be whatever you want to be, you can be your full authentic self and no one bats an eye and there's no shame and no guilt and --
And if I asked you what you like to do, you would say?
Uh.
I would say.
*Eyebrow raise*
Go ahead.
Look - I, I like Harry Potter
To be fair, you've liked Harry Potter since you were eleven, does that really still count?
Yes! And I like tarot cards too and oracle cards and talking about spirtuality and the universe and I love the water and swimming and beaches and forests and trail walks and I like long talks and snuggles and cuddles and being with people I love and staring at the sky above and I like singing bowls and music, music above anything else, well, maybe other than dancing, and romancing, and I love love and love notes and love songs and games and play and sing alongs, I love trying to keep a balloon up in the air, tossing balls, or breathing fresh petracore in the air, I love performing, I love applause, I love pushing my body to its athletic limits, I love getting stronger, I love going longer, I love sprinting full on, I love the feeling of putting on a brand new pair of running shoes. I love how Ella Fitzgerald sings the blues, I love old songs that transport me to another time, I love Christmas and everything it entangles, I love yoga and meditation and zumba and planning vacations, I love travel and learning and possibility, I love games and competition, I love warm hugs and home-made traditions, I love the LEGO movie and how it makes me feel special, I love watching Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone and saying every word with the movie and re-enacting quirrel passing out at halloween, and I love Shakespeare and the way it tells you what you're saying in your mouth and body and soul and how it makes me rumble done to my bones, I love poetry and spoken word, I love sonia sanchez and amiri baraka, I love well-written plays and actors and production teams that put their souls into their work, I love when a piece of theatre somehow magically comes together into a beautifully well oiled machine, I love the cool air conditioning inside a theatre house, I love when the audience gets quieter than a mouse, I love the opening notes to pippin as the lights go down, I love the smile on Elder Price's face when the spotlight comes on him in Book of Mormon, I love that the stage manager goes around backstage turning off every single battery operated light ahead of time so that when the blackout in "Turn it off" happens it really is as dark as possible. I love witty and charming people and writing and lyrics. I love that maybe someday I will learn the piano. I love the idea of becoming a broadway musical composer and conductor. I love watching live music being performed like harry potter live on screen or witnessing the mastery of musicians performing bach or chopin or rachmoninoff or any of those fancy names that mean fancy things, or the dancers performing choreography that has been passed down generations, or watching the beautiful way the woman at the nail salon shapes and paints my nails as if the world depends on it, I love listening to the soundtracks of harry potter movies because they bring me peace and ease, I love Lizzo and the confidence she shoots into my veins, I love Beyonce and how she reminds me I'm a king already, I love Ariana Grande and what her music does to my soul, I love finding that perfect outfit, that perfect shirt, that perfect pair of shoes, I love finding an old gift card or getting a check in the mail, I love surprises, I love imagining that someday someone will bake me the harry potter cake for my birthday so I don't have to, I love singing in the shower and singing in the rain, I love pretending I'm a ballerina in my living room, I love imagining that I'm sleeping on a cloud when I climb into my fluffy bed, I love sleeping on the couch instead, I love fluffy blankets, I love stuffed animals - no matter how many times I try to let go - I love warm soup and chunky stews, I love roasted carrots, asparagus, and salmon too, I love round soup spoons, I love ikea dishes and the smell of chlorine, I love watching movies or witty series or anything Tom Hiddleston, I love the Apple aesthetic, I love feeling magnetic, I love my car, I love my family, I love my friends, I love meeting new people, I love sunshine, I love cold weather, I love the idea of sipping hot tea in the snow, I love the way the snow shines in the middle of the night, I love how quiet it is at 2:00am mid-winter on a weekday in Minnesota. I love how dark it is at a stop sign in Bandera, Texas. I love that my grandmother loves Bingo. I love when dogs sniff your legs and lick your toes. I love when butterflies won't leave you alone. I love that I exist at the same time as telephones. I love vinyl records and gramaphones. I love classic movies and passionate people and listening to someone talk about something they love. I love corny jokes and beautiful eyes. I love falling in love with this beautiful life.
Anything else?
I want you to identify with terms that aren’t tied only to your work
I want you to have fun
I want you to have hobbies
I want you to take classes that aren’t 100% about advancing your career
Things you do just for fun
Just for fun
Just to play
Not to better yourself
Not to improve your resume
Just for you
Well, considering we’ve only been out of quarantine for less than a year and out of masks and fully vaccinated for less than a few months, I think you should maybe be a little more compassionate towards –
But it was the same before
You didn’t know before
Why not?
Why did we never do things for us?
We did
Hardly –
Look, I appreciate the interrogation, Chief, but the truth is – we were surviving. We were in school or we were trying to make it on our own as a free-lance theatre artist and somehow we made it – in one of the most difficult-to-sustain fields – we went out there and did it and yeah we made sacrifices and yeah we had help and yeah we didn’t see friends or family and yeah we didn’t tend to do anything that didn’t advance our career, but also, we loved our career and everything about it and some of the “fun” things we did, did help our resume and career but we didn’t just do them for that, we did them because we loved them, we went to 8 shows a week, we volunteere. d at multiple theatres, we got every gig we could get because we loved it and we loved learning about all the different companies and how they worked and meeting and working with so many people, we loved interacting with the guests and entertaining people and bringing smiles to others – we didn’t do it just to please people or climb that career ladder – we did it because it’s what we loved, remember that
Right
So yeah, maybe I don’t have ten hobbies like so-and-so or what’s-her-face, and what’s-her-face works a full-time job and a full-time house and a full-time kid or a full-time dog and she is miserable. I mean, it’s not always so black and white, but what I mean to say is comparison isn’t quite the way to go, mate. And if we wanna compare, then we should start by looking in the mirror – look back one year ago. Where were you? What were you doing? And tell me you haven’t kicked ass to get where you are today. Tell me we shouldn’t be proud. Tell me we haven’t made strides. Tell me we aren’t talented or amazing or incredible or resilient. We are. And we can’t know what's ahead and I know that uncertainty is killing you. And I get that you wanna have a plan. And we can try and we can learn and we can practice having fun or following our joy, but know that we already are – do you think I write only for other people? No! I write for me. I write for us. Because it feels good.
Because it releases something in me.
Because if I didn’t write, then these thoughts and these words would eat me alive. Because I need this in order to survive.
Because writing is how I thrive.
So the next time you think we don’t do things or we don’t have hobbies or our work or our past is meaningless because we’re not the artistic director of the Guthrie or on broadway or whatever pedestal you’re past self was aiming for,
just because we have a new goal,
just because we have a new perspective,
does not mean we’ve failed.
Our current selves or our past selves.
We have done anything but fail.
We have prevailed.
We are still here.
We are doing the thing.
And we are reaching for more.
And we are doing all that we can to endure.
So please show me some respect.
Please trust me.
Please show me some kindness.
Please, grant me this time,
this peace,
this place.
Because there are so many things I don’t know,
but I know this,
and this is what I choose to share with the world. Okay?
Okay.
I am grateful for
- Fresh mango
- Cold Watermelon
- Free food
- MOD Pizza
- Catching up
- Perspective
- Redirects
- Time off
- Time with self
- Healing
- Sleep
- Swimming
- YMCA
- Teachers and mentors
- Reylo
- Getting stronger
- New content
- Letting go of expectations
- Distinguishing fantasies from reality
- Getting grounded
- Getting present