Please excuse me while I word vomit thousands of words all over you.
What You Don't Understand
I don't want to choose.
What you don't understand is
I have always had to choose.
From signatures to hospital visits to who's who's
From Thanksgivings to Christmases to Easters to Fourth of Julys to Birthdays to Mother's Days to Halloweens to Summers to Weekends to Houses to unwanted goodbyes
to "You're ruining this family by choosing to live with her"
to "Why are you doing this to me?"
to the questions
to the answers
to the manipulation
to the cancers
to the emotional and verbal battle that took place over my body, over my life, over my world
to it always has to be some other girl
And it always looked like I had the choice
The voice
to decide
to pick one
or the other
But no one told me picking her didn't mean I didn't love her
But no one ever asked, "Did I want to decide?"
No one told me about the complexity of gay pride
No one said I didn't have to make a choice
That I could choose both
That I could pick both
That sometimes divorces and separations could be more complex than mom or dad
That by putting you in the conundrum of either or, you have no choice, really, because you never asked to decide in the first place,
you didn't ask for them to separate,
even if it was for the best,
you didn't ask to be stretched into two households,
you didn't ask for both parents to provide an entire room for you,
a bedroom set,
a winter coat,
shampoo and conditioner and body wash and frosted flakes,
you didn't ask for two Christmases, two birthday cakes, two shopping sprees to prove really loved me,
you didn't ask them to have one family do lunch so the other could do dinner,
you didn't ask them to try and outwit each other on presents and determine who was the winner,
you didn't ask for them to try and prove their love to you, a love beginner,
who loved you more?
why does it always have to be either or?
I didn't choose my parents
So why should I have to choose my parents?
Why couldn't they just choose me?
Why couldn't they choose me over their cynacism
Over their criticism
Over their power plays
Over their rainy days
Over their "your mother"
Over their "godmother"
and this story and the other?
Why did I have to know?
And what was the goal?
Why did they have to break me down with the weight of 100 thousand pounds,
of stories that stomped me into the ground,
of historical abuse,
of financial misuse,
why the psychological manipulation?
why the abuse of the Disney vacation?
why not instead find a 'both' in a torn-apart battle-destroyed nation?
It's not my fault.
And It's not theirs.
She didn't mean to yell at me as I stomped down the stairs
They did what they did to show me they cares
And they did all they could with the resources that were theirs
And they fed me
And clothed me
And watered me too
They took me to basketball games and summer camps
To private lessons and bubble baths
They sang to me and told me nursery rhymes
They helped me know my tears and identity are not a crime
They tried and they tried
And lied and lied
And they taught me I didn't have to be somebody else's bride
To take pride
In who I was
In what I could be
To set myself
My whole self free
To be me
They taught me
To be strong and tough
To wo-man the fuck up when things get rough
To just do it
To go to it
To fight back
To counter-attack
To find a way
To get my way
At the end of the day
I wouldn't take all of that away
There's things you can change
There's things that you can't
So when you ask me - can I just bring one to the dance?
When you ask me, to pick one, to take a chance -
I ask you
Right now
I ask you, "How?"
How can you expect me to choose?
In this battle, this battle has been, is always one I will lose.
Don't run from the coming storm, no there ain't no use in running"
"When that rain falls, let it wash away
Let it wash away, that falling rain, the tears and the troubles"
"When those lights flash, and you hear that thunder roar
Will you listen to that thunder roar and let your spirits soar?"
"When that love calls, open up your door
You gotta stand on up and let it in, you gotta let love through your door"
Another Saturday Night
That someone's bringing you your underwear
Folded and warm each morning in a little bag.
All your clothing is personally inscribed with your beautiful name,
And a woman named Cindy brings you fresh warm towels whenever you want them.
A man named Daniel helps you fix your hair;
Touches up your makeup.
A voice echoes above you and welcomes you to "another Saturday night on Broadway."
And someone politely inquires if you need any water,
And reminds you of tonight's dinner with the Oliviers.
You smile as you hear someone humming in the hallway.
Someone wonderful.
I guess the real question is why do stars look like people?
Who?
& Whouston coats
& green angel wings
& just Christmas things
Why, when there is no reason to hope?
Why do we wait?
We wish?
Why do we keep picturing that beautiful kiss?
Thank You For Little Joys, Little Reminders
What you don't know
I'm on my way back to you
Perhaps you thought we were through
Ha
You're going to see we've got work to do
I really gotta let go of you
Thank You For Theatre
And if so, are poems the word of God?
Thank You For Friends
I have so much hope
that I've held onto this man for two years.
Thank You For Rock Stars
Because
for all that you are and all you will be.
For all time beyond what the eye can see.
More than the lights on the Chrismtas tree.
More than cherry blossoms falling in Japan.
I love you,
I love you,
for all that I am.
Thank You For Helping Me Get Home For Spring Break
But I'm starting to realize I don't need to live in fear.
Because I'd much rather just live here.
Thank You For Cool Airports
musk mixed with elementary school cafeteria food
Friday field trip hamburgers wrapped in tin foil that I accidentally bit in to once
Because I had never eaten a burger wrapped as delicately as a baby in winter time.
Thank You For Flight
crossing their paths with the divine
time
quickly and suddenly
everyone and anyone
is here
and now
is now
and here
and
wow
Thank You For Helping Me Try New Things
And, I mean, I knew what to do, but -
I wasn't sure I should be holding anyone's baby.
THANK YOU FOR MELTING THE SNOW
Racing to get to the door,
Pacing as my owner yawns and shuffles sleepily towards their slippers,
Calves stiffly coming to life as ankles bend and knees shift to find their way to you.
Pat, pat,
on your head,
you breathe restlesly waiting for that thing
that beautiful thing that happens when they open up the door
the scent of rain
the smell of salt
the taste of dew on a flower petal
the sweet feeling of air freshly making it's way through your hair,
the sound of wind in your ears,
what does it say?
go, go on,
go play!
Thank You For My Beautiful Smile
Repeat After Me:
I am allowed to shine
I am allowed to take up space
I am allowed to make noise
I am allowed
I am.
Thank You For These Precious Memories
Where did it begin?
Was this the moment?
Was it here?
Was it then?
Was it when I let him in?
Does it matter when?
Did it matter then?