Today I am grateful for:
- Familiar faces
- Familiar places
- Getting paid to complete purposeful arts and crafts
- Meeting new folks
- Telling bad jokes
- Feeling the spirit of fall in the air
- Feeling the pure joy that Howl-O-Scream brings so many people
- The sound of four-year-olds cackling in the audience at Sea Lion High
- Lofi-beats
- The satisfaction of chompin' on a crunchy apple
- Things working out
- Voodoo donuts
- Sweet treats
- Seeing friends shine
- Ideas
- Healing
- Cat naps
- That cool crisp breeze
- That someday
- Someday
Things I wanna try
- Coffee me crazy
- One of those weird wine painting thingies
- A trampoline place
- The pet pal program at SA Humane Society
- Starting a tik tok where I post a poem a day - perhaps with theming such as a gratitude poem every day for November and a Christmas carol per day for December. . . tbd
- Not being awkward
- Hobbies - does this count?
- Writing those children book series - or maybe it's a tv series? Maybe we should start with book one first. . . ?
Can someone
Like I pay a membership or a yearly fee and I get to walk into a room (or rooms) filled with supplies like paper and fabric and sewing machines and stencils and glitter (so much glitter) and I can craft and craft to my hearts desire?
Like a gym for artists?
Does that exist?
Can that exist?
And not only painting -
Not only ceramics -
Not only sewing -
Not only building wooden bird houses -
But - everything - like everything
And you could take classes and learn how to knit
and draw
and paint
and blow glass
And you could do it all with your membership
All supplies included
And you could be there as long or as little as you wanted
And you could keep your crafts
Or maybe they get donated to hospitals to decorate the boring white walls
Or schools
Or you can gift them to people
Or there can be exhibits
and millions of people can come and bid on your giraffe shaped planter
Can someone please do that?
For me?
B
It's the taste of sweat and a kiss at every red light
It's slow traditional Japanese music mixed with a dark room lit by a computer screen
It's Midsommer and flowers in my hair
It's the zoo and the park and the bikes and the walks and the dogs and the cat that you loved but stayed away from because for some reason you loved me more
It's no air conditioning so we showered and laid on the floor
It's midnight orange chicken and chocolate almond milk
It's early morning blueberry pancakes
It's watching the Phantom of the Opera 25th Anniversary so loud that your roommates complain about hearing the orchestra the next morning in our Creative Writing class
It's getting woken up in the middle of the night because your other roommate was the cool RA and a kind and considerate human
It's bottles and bottles and bottles
It's so many cases of mountain dew - I don't know how you're still alive
It's H&M and plaid button downs
It's skinny jeans and long hair
It's bobby pins, everywhere
It's black zip up hoodies
It's classical music
And trios
And quintets
It's hearing you play the opening to Conrad Susa's lullabies
It's IKEA and hej do and jag älskar dig
It's you strumming your guitar at all hours of the night
And your lute
And your keyboard
And your hair
And your love notes scribbled on post-its everywhere
And video games
And DoubleLift
And Rage quit
And Twitch
And League of Legends
And Reddit
And Democratic Socialism
And never really knowing what was going on but never wanting to leave your side
And it's that we really needed each other
And we enabled each other
And we weren't bad for each other,
but we weren't good either
But we weren't bad
But I shouldn't have to mute myself for my partner
And you said I was too much
And you said I shouldn't be so loud
And I started to mute myself for you
And love isn't something you do because you always have
And a relationship isn't something you stay in just because you've been together for four years
And wanting to marry someone so they will never leave you doesn't seem a hundred percent healthy
And once I started to let go of my dreams
Once I started to consider what was best for you instead of me
Once I caught myself acting like we were already married
That's when I knew
I couldn't
I couldn't do it anymore
I couldn't abandon my dreams
My ambition
My possibilities
And you never said I did
But I felt like I did
Because I couldn't leave you
I couldn't leave you behind
So, I had to break down the door
The door I had covered with so many excuses
The door I had said was locked
The door I ignored
The door I dismissed as a wall
The door my friends kept trying to open for me
And my family
But I knew
If I went through
It would mean I'd be away from you
And I didn't know if that was something I could do
I didn't know if I could let you go
Because I felt like we had poured ourselves into each other
I felt like we were one organism
And I knew I would find bits of you everywhere I looked
In all my things
In all my books
And it would feel like cleaning caramel cobwebs out of my heart
Because you had seeped into every part -
You had become my everything -
And I didn't know what was me and what was you -
I didn't know who I was
Or what I was
Or what I liked to do
All I knew was that I loved you
And now I've been away longer than we were together
And I feel like I can finally grieve you
I feel like I can finally let you go
Because in the moment all I was focused on was maintaining control
Because I knew if you gave me a second chance I'd come running
And we'd be in this vicious cycle of forever and nothing
So I swallowed my feelings and stuffed them inside
Because I knew it was best, but I didn't want to leave your side
I didn't want to hurt and burn inside
But I did
And I do
And I guess what I'm saying is: I'm happy for you