Today I am grateful for:
- Sun screen
- Air conditioning
- Bug spray
- Fear Free Shelter training
- Less complaining
- The Polka brothers
- That saxophone
- The random workout I found this morning to Chicago the musical
- Hugging my best friend
- Bright colors and how they bring me joy
- The little boy who sat in the splash zone completely alone and then had an entire water tower explode onto him (in a good and very planned way)
- The free sugar skull cookie I got today
- All my delicious food that I meal prepped for myself
- Discount produce
- Shipt
- HEB
- Target
- Spooky kooky decorations
- Blessings
- Magic
- Miracles
- Incense
- Tiny pumpkins, everywhere
- Releasing addiction
- Releasing pride
- Asking for help
- Going inside
- Trying anyway
- Showing up
- Letting them laugh
- Knowing my worth
- Knowing some day someone
- Knowing some day someone will love the things they laugh at me for
- Knowing someone some day will
- Knowing some day
- Knowing some day
- Knowing
Too Nice
So, what is this aversion to kind people? This aversion to sweet folk? Does it scare me because I think it must be a joke? Does it scare me because I'm not used to it? Is this one of Brene Brown's FFT's (F*cking First Time)? Does it scare me because I've never had something so sweet? Because I'm used to the abuse? I'm used to the waiting? I'm used to the people who never have time for me and when they do they don't even look at me? The people who spend half their time in their screens? Is it because I love the challenge of getting their attention? Is it because I get a little high every time they give in? So how do I desensitize myself to mistreatment and sensitize myself to kindness? How do I stop falling for someones who have no time or space for me? How do I make space for those who make space for me? How do I make space for myself? How am I mistreating myself? How do I put my feelings and needs on a higher shelf? How do I say no and set boundaries for myself? How do I redirect? How do I bridge? How do I say live and let myself live? How do I stop allowing myself to give? And then I want to be patient with myself, right, because this is all new, and it's me trying to be true - and there will always be work to do - but it's me and it's me and it's me and some day there will be a you too, but right now I think it's up to me to be my own boo.
If
This hunger
This thirst
This desire to devour a whole human alive
This hunger that must be filled in order to survive
This thirst that leaves me gasping for air
This fear that I'll miss them if they draw too near
I want to tear
And rip
And bite
And claw
And I'm scared to let someone in
I'm scared to begin
Because I'm afraid I'll never stop once I do
I fear I'll be addicted too
I fear I'll devour you
I'm not sure how the next catch will go
Because I've been waiting so long to start this show
I mean - 4 years is a long time to wait
And I fear, if I am let out of the gate,
That I won't even think to hesitate
I'll tear through their flesh like a silver ice skate
I'll dive through their skin like a flea or a tick
I'll drink their blood dry
I'll stare too vividly into their eyes
I'll squeeze them into a pulp
I'll chug them without a single gulp
I'll tell myself to go slow
I'll tell myself to stay in control
I'll tell myself I can always let go
I'll tell myself I don't need any more
I'll tell myself I'm okay alone
I'll tell myself I can always hang up the phone
But I'm scared that I won't
I'm scared that I'll tell myself I'm not in control
I'm scared that I'll allow myself to never let go
I'm scared that I'll eat them alive
That it will end in a battle where neither survive
I'm scared that I'll fall the moment I walk
I'm scared that I'll drown the moment I swim
I'm scared that I'll never be able to get back up again
I'm scared of the feelings
I'm scared of the ghosts
I'm scared of the healing the most
Because what if there's peace?
What if there's ease?
What if they lift me into higher trees?
What if we sit together in the breeze and sing and dance and just breathe?
What if I am worthy?
What if I am enough?
What if I am kind even when I'm rough?
What if things aren't so black and white?
What if I don't have to worry about messing up their life?
What if I add
What if I empower
What if they love the way I sing in the shower?
What if they love the feeling of flour?
What if they taste like mangos but sour?
What if they walk with me in the sand?
What if they kiss me and hold my hand?
What if they take me to see the lights?
What if they actually treat me right?
What if they fill this thirst?
What if they quench this hunger?
What if they don't survive but thrive?
What if they help ease the gnawing inside?
Or what if I'm able to look inside and see I'm all I need to survive and that doesn't mean I have to spend all my time alone, but that I don't have to seek completion by staring at my phone - and know that I'm whole - and know I'm enough - And know I have worth - and know I'm worth more than this person who leaves me staring at the floor - what if I don't need them but want them and they want me too? What if we both know we have work to do and we don't make the other do the work for ourselves? What if we each have our own beautiful mental health? What if we are two whole independent people who chose not to be alone? What if we go out for ice cream cones? What if he has his own ringtone? What if everything's okay and I know no one can fill this void and no one can clean up my spilt milk and being with someone isn't going to suddenly make my problems go away, but it might make things a little easier at break of day - I hope it will add, I hope it will help, I hope I'll stop being put on a "later" shelf - I hope that I can learn to help myself, I hope that I'll allow myself to step into my own wealth - I hope that I'll keep taking care of my mental health - I hope that I'll meet you - I hope that you'll see me as I am, was, and who I am meant to be. I hope that you'll know you can't complete me because I already am and I hope it's all easy as 1-2-3.