Today I am grateful for:
- Having all the resources I need and more.
- Having safety and security and consistency.
- The fact that everything really is okay.
- Balance.
- Progress.
- Free time.
- Me time.
- Cookies.
- Magic.
- Miracles.
- Surprises.
- Plans.
- Ideas.
- Charm.
- Wit.
- Wisdom.
- Kindness.
- Sweetness.
- Smiling and giggles and blushes.
- All the people who helped me get here.
- All the courses.
- All the safety pins and black aprons and hymark and steaming and ironing and the person who taught me how to thread a needle and tie a not and use a sewing machine and quick stitch and look damn good in all black
- My parents and the multitude of ways they support me and my dreams
- That I don't have to be perfect
- That I don't have to be anything
- That I can fail
- That I can try
- That I can ask
- That I have words
- That I can communicate
- That I don't have to decide for someone else
- That I don't have to worry about someone else's feelings
- That I can allow someone else to decide for themselves
- That all I have to do today is show up. And smile. And breathe. I don't have to, but I choose to, and I am so glad I did and I do.
- The thousands of people who sat in the Sea Lion Stadium today.
- Ozzie getting me into preferred seating at Monster Stomp.
- Hugs
- Allowing myself to be held
- SLIPs
- Pirates
- Costumes
- Panda F*ing Express
- When all your dreams come true
Where Were You When The World Stopped Turning: Part 2
My roommate and quarantine buddy, Savannah, dealt with all my line practicing, random singing, and filming of strange Beckett scenes at 2 in the morning. She helped me build what was supposed to be a pirate costume out of cereal boxes taped to my body, which looked more like a robot transformer thing in the end? She read as my scene partner off-camera and laughed at me as I slowly lost my mind.
She and I took turns going to the grocery store once a week to reduce the amount of times we left our apartment. We were on the 6th floor, but I still took the stairs as much as possible when leaving the apartment to avoid the scare of being in an elevator with someone. We contemplated doing our laundry in our bath tubs to avoid going to the laundry room in the basement, but instead went during low-volume times and were thankfully reassured that our building was cleaning the facility almost hourly.
We gave each other our shopping lists for that week and we went down the street to a small organic grocery store to avoid the crowds and toilet paper scares of larger stores. When they were out of meat, we made our first whole chicken in the oven and made our own "not turkey" dinner for easter Sunday because we couldn't leave our apartment and we couldn't be with our families. We ate duck eggs because they didn't have chicken eggs anymore (out of stock). We tried vegan meats. We tried vegan frozen meals. We completed the rest of our graduate school online. For me it was my final semester, graduation ceremony, and final goodbye to everyone in my program. For her it was her spring semester of her first year on the way to her doctorates. We planned to stay until further notice, possibly until August when my lease was up (though she was sticking around for her next year of school). She was originally from North Carolina and me from Texas. We both wanted to go home for the summer but were unsure of when or how as flying seemed impossible in the midst of the pandemic and down right unsafe. I told her I planned to drive home once my semester ended, but I wasn't planning until the end of may, I think?
Either way, we both entered the kitchen/living room area one night with the same mindset - we decided that because our schooling was online and we had no physical need to be in Pennsylvania, the time had come to move on and head home and - because we were both headed in the same direction, we could drive "together" in separate cars to North Carolina, stay in her friend's empty apartment where she would quarantine for 14 days before going home to her family and where I would stay overnight to rest up for the next 12hr drive to my mother's in Florida, where I would stay for 14 days to quarantine before driving the next 12hrs to Louisiana to stay overnight and then continue on the next ten hours to my godmother's home in San Antonio TX. I insisted I quarantined on one side of the house but my mother and my godmother did not care. They just wanted to see me and make sure I was healthy and safe. And this is what came to pass.
I completed my virtual graduation ceremony at my mother's house crying and without makeup feeling like a potato sack with no cap and gown because it had been sent to my godmother's address as I had no idea where I would be. I felt underappreciated. I felt betrayed. By theatre. By my community. By Villanova. By my program. By my department. It was none of their faults. It was nobody's fault. But all I wanted to do was blame them. I was angry at them for lying to me. For saying everything would be okay. For saying everything would happen according to their plan. For promising me things I didn't even know they were promising me until they were taken away.
I drove to Louisiana and had some of the best sleep of my life until I was woken up at 7am to the hotel manager pounding on my door and calling my room phone because my mother was terrified I died in the middle of the night because I wasn't up at 6am. Because I woke up at 6am every day at her house when I stayed with her because the traffic outside her window woke me up and I couldn't go back to sleep. So, finally, in Louisiana, I was able to sleep peacefully without traffic and still was not allowed to savor it. I was pissed but pleased to be able to drive in less traffic so I got up, checked out, and continued on my way.
I made it to my godmother's house with my hands shaking from gripping the steering wheel and I didn't know what I wanted. Whether all I wanted was to pass out or to be nothing but entertained. I grew resentful. I grew miserable. I went through everything and nothing. I wanted to hang out and then I wanted to be alone. I wanted to be held but I didn't want to be held. I wanted to socialize but I felt like I was being judged because I was listening to my inner critic and projecting that onto my godmother. Every thing that drove me crazy about myself I projected onto her. I made her the enemy. I made her the problem. I blamed her and her home for not allowing me to grow. For not allowing me to have peace or progress or a career or friends or a boyfriend. I blamed her for my current position in life. I blamed her for my rage. I blamed her for my fear. I blamed her for my confusion. She didn't know what to do with me and unfortunately we both played the hiding game for a while.
I monitored LinkedIn like it was my newborn child and I searched for job opportunities like the world was ending and it was. You see, I applied for unemployment the day I was told the Costume Shop I was working at at Villanova was closing. March 8th, or some such? Of 2020. Today it is Sunday, October 10th, 2021 and I just went to check on my claim's status. I have been trying and trying to make this happen for over a year and I have not received any updates. However, just now, I logged into my account and received a notice saying that I am ineligible and was overpaid (I was sent a single check) and that I need to pay that back unless I fill out a waiver form and they approve it so I don't have to pay it back. So . . . that's fun. Love that government support. So much. Thanks. A. Lot.
So, the reason I'm ineligible is because even though I had a W2 and was technically working for Villanova University in the Costume Shop and for the IT Help Desk, because I was a student employee and not a human employee my work apparently doesn't count even though income tax came out of my paycheck. . . so apparently students don't count as human beings and don't deserve government support even in the midst of a global pandemic when they have no access to money. Love that for us. So much.
Cool! So, anyway, let's just pray and pretend that the waiver will magically solve these problems and move on. TLDR the government did not do me much good so I was on the hunt for jobs and grateful for my godmother allowing me to live in her house rent free and buying all my groceries every week. Even though I didn't act like it.
SO - Finally, one day, I get a notice that Six Flags Fiesta Texas is looking for actors. SIX FLAGS! THEME PARKS! OF COURSE - HOW COULD I FORGET ABOUT THEME PARKS? Honestly, they never occurred to me. I didn't even know theme parks used performers except for the Disney princesses, rock star singers, or ballet dancers and I knew I wasn't getting cast as one of those. So Six Flags was looking for scare actors. I had no idea what that would be like but I read actor and opportunity and I was on it! I applied, completed a virtual video application and then a phone interview and booked the gig! I was terrified and excited and on my way to Six Flags. I completed a virtual online orientation with a group of other folks and was told there would be an employee only night to ride their newest ride the next day. Many people in the group chat said they would go and we could meet up and make friends and even the guy who led our orientation said he hoped to see us there. I went into to get my name tag in the morning so I could come to the event that night. I arrived full of hope and excitement and saw no one I knew. I saw no one who said they would show. I saw the man who led our orientation and when I greeted him he treated me like the mother in law of an ex girlfriend who he never really liked. I was confused. I felt betrayed. I grabbed my free burger and fries and dipped. Unsurprisingly and possibly more due to stress and overwhelm than the food, but I got food poisoning from the meal and was stuck lying on the couch sipping pedalyte and crackers for 14 days. I went to the emergency room, tested negative for covid, and they rehydrated me with fluids. Finally, when I was able to move again, I wondered if it was the food or my fear of getting out into the world again. The stress of the new environment and the idea that no one would like me, that I was really a terrible person, that I didn't deserve love was overwhelming and isolating and terrifying. And then I had my first day of work.
I had a costume fitting and it was nothing like anything I had ever experienced before. I guess I looked skinny and short in my video because when I showed up the manager who was also pulling costumes looked me up and down, sighed, and said OUT LOUD, "Well, that's not what I expected." I tried on clothes that were too small for me and she was visibly upset. Did I somehow trick her? DId they only cast teeny tiny folks and I had "snuck" in? Already, my fear of not fitting in and not belonging was triggered and boiling over. She finally found something that 'worked' and my next work day saw me meeting or at least being in the same room with many other people who clearly all already knew each other. They had their friends, their cliques, their long term relationships and I could barely breathe. I so desperately tried to introduce myself to people but they were too busy catching up to have any interest in the new girl.
I beat myself up over and over and over thinking "Who do I think I am?" "I don't belong here!" "I don't know what I'm doing!" "They cast me by mistake. I don't deserve to be here. How did I get in? Oh god they made a mistake." And then I met my team. Well, some of my team - they continued to add and hire people throughout the season. We met our scare zone and tried to think about what we would do. And then it hit me -
The people in my crew. The people on my team. They all were just as scared as I was. I didn't understand - they had done this before, for years, they knew this park and each other inside and out - why were they so scared? What did they have to worry about? While this was my first year as a scare actor, 2020 was their first scare actor experience where they were not allowed to get close to guest. You see, because covid times were still in the thick of things, we were in scare zones behind themed barriers and told to keep 10ft away from our 'perimeter' so we had to always maintain a distance of 10 ft from guest. So everyone was thinking the same thing - HOW AND THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO SCARE GUESTS FROM 10 FT AWAY? I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. I DON'T BELONG HERE. THEY MADE A MISTAKE. I MADE A MISTAKE. I SHOULDN'T BE HERE. I NEED TO GO HOME.
So there I was, one of the eldest of the team, staring around into a bunch of blank faces just as scared as my own. But, you see, this is where I shine. So I brought in my sage, I brought in my palo santo, I brought in my crystals and I said no more of this fear bullshit. We are supposed to create fear in others, not ourselves. We do deserve to be here. We were chosen for a reason. And we get to create and build this new world together. No one else does. We belong. We are worthy. Let's f*cking do this.
I only intended to sage our dressing rooms and then offer everyone a chance to pick a Crystal to give them positive vibes throughout the process and cleanse the negative energy from the area. As I lit my sage I looked around and suddenly found the entire team of actors standing by my side in a circle. They all went silent and looked at me. Some of them wiggled uncomfortably and said, "I don't know what I'm doing. I don't really know how to do this." So I told them they didn't need to and I prayed. For us. For the park. For the department. I don't remember what I said, but I asked God or the Universe or our ancestors to guide us, to heal us, to be with us, and I told the ghosts in the building that our intentions were to have fun and to bring them joy and socialization and I said that any negative spirits needed to leave and only love and light was allowed here that we were only welcoming in positive vibes and love and joy and god I wish you could have seen the stress melt out of that room. Whether you believe in ghosts or spirits or prayers, whatever happened that night worked. It helped. It blossomed. We had so much fun together. We laughed, we cried, we held each other, we ate together, we did yoga, we put on each other's contacts, we were one and we looked out for one another. We were a team and nothing was going to take that away. No matter what happened on that stage. No matter who we scared or didn't scare or the fact that we couldn't see anything or taste anything or smell anything through the fog. Or that we didn't get adequate breaks or that we were in full silicone masks and gloves and long sleeves and long dresses or capes that literally weighed down our entire bodies and left us with arms that couldn't move and legs that couldn't walk. We tried and we failed and we laughed and we sailed. We bonded like no other. We made each other costumes and we wore them to Yard House and our spooky ghost friends followed us there (flashing lights everywhere we went). They loved us and they loved our energy. I am so very grateful for every single person who was in Sangerfest Hall that year. For waiting to get air brushed. For all the chicken tenders and fries. For all the ice water and the tiny fridge and the VHS player and all the Adam Sandler movies Celeste brought in and water bottles hidden behind carts and in coffins. And for the mannequin I pretended to massage before inviting a guest to do the same. To plague doctors and witches and executioners and dolls and that weird ass wolf man and goblins and grave diggers. We worked our asses off. And then there was Seaworld.
You see, when I got the offer from Six Flags I thought - I can do this - it's only on the weekends, it's simple, it's a great way to get myself back out into the world. And then I got the phone call from SeaWorld. It was a recruiter asking if I was interested in applying for Seaworld's Spooktacular season. I was already doing Six Flags but they said that I could do Seaworld during the day because they didn't have any night product in 2020. So I said hey sure that sounds awesome! I auditioned with a pirate monologue and said my name was Pyrotechnic and all was well. I was offered a role as a scarecrow in the Hay Maze and I was off to do Seaworld during the day and Six Flags at night. I thought - yeah, I can do this. And I did.
But man was it hard. Every day, I felt like a bear awaking from a deep hibernation. I was exhausted, my body fought to stay mobile, and my sleep was minimal. I meal prepped like a chef and I started every single morning with an online walk at home workout video - even if it meant going to bed at 1am and waking up at 7am. Because I knew I had to do it. Because I knew I would not be able to move my body unless I walked. And god it was hot. Even at night. It was so hot at humid and it wouldn't get dark until about 2 hours into our shift and I was miserable. At SeaWorld, I was in a hat, long sleeve button down shirt, and pants with BOOTS as a scarecrow and then I'd run directly to six flags to clock in and for the first few weeks I was a plague doctor. Then, when I stopped being able to lift my arms because the cape weighed so much it was literally paralyzing, they gave me a new costume that allowed me to be more mobile - a porcelain doll. I was in a full silicone mask with wig hair attached and was only able to see out of one eye hole, which was also my only breathing hole. Yes, that is correct, there were no other breathing holes in that mask. Because of CDC guidelines, I was required to also wear a face mask over my mouth UNDER THE MASK. Yes. You heard me correctly. And then, I was in a long sleeve dress down to my feet with boots and silicone gloves that went from my finger tips up past my elbows. If I tilted my hands up or down, I would feel the sweat that had pooled in the finger tips of my gloves pour up my arms onto my sleeves. I was disgusted and I couldn't see and I couldn't breathe, but I thought - well, this is what I have and I am going to appreciate it because every single days hundreds of thousands of performers are sitting at home job-less and I am not one of those performers.
And people loved us. They absolutely adored us and they made me feel like an actual Disney princess. Seriously, that is what I pretended to be every single day and I curtsied and I waved and I giggled (silently mind you) and people adored me. I was less scary and more adorable as a doll and I played a clown when I was the plague doctor. At SeaWorld, I sang and danced along to the music and told jokes with my other scarecrow friends. I gave out candy and smiled through my eyes and mask and I bowed to the pumpkin patch princess. I got to do PR requests and was even part of an event at a mansion downtown to demonstrate 2020 covid-safe trick or treating on behalf of SeaWorld. It was a blast, I learned so much, and I grew so much as a human and performer.
When the Halloween season began to wind down, it was time to audition for Christmas. It was also time to decide whether I would be at SeaWorld or Six Flags. I chose SeaWorld. For so many reasons. The mission. The animals. It being ten minutes from my godmother's house. For the culture. For the management. For the opportunities they provided me with. For the people. For the family environment. For the work-life balance. I loved it there (still do) and I wanted to stay. So, I auditioned for Christmas as an actor. I read a side for an elf and was told, "Where have you been?" in the (in my life) sense. Late, I was asked to audition for Clyde and Seamore's Countdown to Christmas and the other girls told me how being Elfie was everyone's dream and how lucky I was to audition for the role. I thanked them and smiled. I looked around at my daily environment of sesame characters and candy and children running around in homemade halloween costumes. And then I was cast as primary Elfie for "Holiday in the Park," the Santa Dine show at SeaWorld. And I was cast as Elfie swing for "Clyde and Seamore's Countdown to Christmas." I just about lost my mind. I cried. I jumped. I thought - Is this right? Do they really want me? Do I belong here? Did they make a mistake?