Even if it isn't you
I didn't know it wouldn't take much
To make me smile
To make me stay awhile
To act like a 5 year old child
I didn't know how afraid I was
To open up
To let myself love
To realize how much I gate keep myself
How much I rest my feelings on higher shelves
How much I want to and don't want to pour myself into someone, something, or somwhere else
How careful I want to be
With you
And with me
How careful I am with my heart
How careful I am to keep us a part
Because I so desperately don't want to hurt you
Because I so desperately don't want to get hurt
Because somehow I think if I can just control my every move
Somehow I can prevent all the bad stuff from happening
Like that's possible
Like it's my responsibility
Like it's possible to edit my life like a lifetime movie skipping the dark and always choosing the light
It surprises me how easy it is for me to run to you
To want to see you
To observe you
To want to see if what I see is true
And its infuriating
And confusing
And exciting
And amusing
And I feel like I just want to know
Will you ever let yourself show?
Like if I asked, would you let me know?
But maybe I don't need to know
Maybe there's a reason there is no flow
And I have to clear my artificial reality
And I have to let myself get pulled down by gravity
Because it wouldn't work
It couldn't work
I mean - god, it would be hard work
There are things I need that I don't know if you could fill
And there are things you need that I would make my every will
And that would be exhausting
And I might lose myself in the frosting
But maybe that's the point
Maybe there is no right time
Maybe it's not about perfection
Maybe it's just about moving my feet in another direction
Because no matter how many graphs and charts and zodiac stars you make,
You can't prevent a big break
You can't make gold out of a yellow cake
And I had expectations I didn't even know I had
I had expectations that made my own self mad
I set the stage before I even got to the theatre
I thought I was cool
I thought I was clear
I tried so hard not to disappear
Not to have expectations
or anticipations
or hesitations
But I did
And I do
And I got so scared when I thought I lost you
And I want to be clear
And I want to be cool
And I want to explain myself to you
But I don't even know if I know my own truth
But I'll keep trying
Because that's all I can do
I'll keep trying, even if it isn't you
Because someday I'll find someone that will let me through
Someday
Someone
Today I am grateful for:
- Sea Lion Interaction Programs
- Benefits
- Work Perks
- Ambassador Nights
- Jump scares
- Costumes and makeup and magic
- Miracles
- Friends and parties
- Plans and journeys
- An un-passable opportunity
- Unexpected income
- Passive income
- Resources
- Kindness
- Days and nights off
- The generosity and compassion of others
- People who care
- Caring for people
- Knowing that the choice you make is always the right one
- Knowing that the path you pave is yours and will always get you where you are going
- Observing coping mechanisms and working towards better or kinder choices, but doing our best not to shame ourselves in the meantime
- Allowing all the gifts and blessings in my vortex
- Allowing all the love
- Allowing all the peace
- Allowing all the ease
- Remembering that everything in fact is okay
- Narrowing down observations, positive-self talk, "What is it you really want?" "Why are you really sad?" "What is it you are seeking that you feel you are missing because of X? Are there other ways of filling that need or desire?"
- Seeing manifestations made reality
- Possibilities
- Someday someone will say yes
- Someday someone will be the right puzzle piece
- Someday someone will be
- Someday someone will
- Someday someone
- Someday
- This is a feeling and it will pass
Maybe yes and maybe no.
For now, can we just enjoy the show?
I'm sad because I wanted to stay in this groove
I'm sad because I have a fear of missing you
I'm sad because whatever we had might be through
I'm sad because there is no you
Messages
- It really is okay
- We're here
- I'm right here
- It's so much easier if you'd just trust us
- It'd be so much easier if you would just allow us in
- It'd be so much easier if you just trust and believe
- Trust us
- Surrender
- Let go
- Something better is on its way
- Sometimes you get exactly what you ask for and you still aren't happy
Review: Project Pollo
- The Original Project (Chicken sandwich)
- Loaded Papas (street fries)
- Mac 'N Cheese (had pico on it, careful!)
- Fried pickles (more pickles than breading, in a good way, fresh!)
- Southern Roots Bakery Double chocolate chip cookies
- Pumpkin Pie milkshake