"Be who you truly are."
"Be authentic."
"Be your true self."
I'm still trying to understand what this means.
Part of it, for me, is growing to understand that 1. I cannot control anyone but myself and 2. If I want to be happy, I need to focus on my happiness. It is up to me to decide if I want to choose happiness and I'm going to try. And in order to get there I have to stop doing things for other people and do them for me. This does not mean I need to be entirely full of myself and selfish, but it does mean being a little bit selfish. It does mean really stopping and thinking "do I want to do this or not" and listening. And it is so easy sometimes to fall into something. It is so easy to let someone else or something else take over your life and just go with the flow. But it always leads to resentment because I stop living for myself and begin to live for that other person and expect them to change or to somehow pat me on the back for sacrificing myself and my happiness even though they are perfectly happy with themselves and with where they are and have no plans to conform to my idea of who they should or shouldn't be. Fascinating.
TLDR: I'm working on discovering what all this 'being authentic' talk is really about.
Look at me grow!
What does PMS feel like?
Like is my blood and tears priceless
It reeks of pure lies
Of a thousand goodbyes
It tastes like never enough
Or big girls should be tough
And how could I?
And why did that one say goodbye?
And they'll never choose me
And me? No, of course I'm not worthy
And why would they
And HEY
Remember you'll always be alone
And I wish there was someone on the other end of that phone
And maybe if I run
Or if I eat this cinnamon bun
And maybe if I hide
Will I ever be a bride?
And maybe if I see
Could anyone ever love me?
And maybe if I do everything
Or nothing
It is fear
It is love
It is giving all and taking too much
It is pancakes for dinner, breakfast, and lunch
And when did my boobs get that big
And how deep is the grave I have to dig?
And how do I find value and beauty in myself no matter what the numbers say?
And it's okay, shh, shh, it's okay.
Breathe, okay?
It's right when you feel like you're falling a part
It's your not
It's you are
It's maybe it's okay that you are
But it hurts
And these tears are dehydrating my mind
And I can't think
And I think too much
And I want to do everything all at once
And shhhhhhh shh shh
Sleep
If I just sleep
And it's wishing you were a little girl again so you're mom would hold you
Hold you and comb your hair until you fell asleep
And tell you its okay to cry
And help you catch the bouquet
And you cry and you cry and you don't know why
And you tell yourself everyone who said they loved you was telling you a lie
And you feel like you don't know what to do
How could you?
You?
Shhhh shh shh
Sleep
I just need sleep
Please
Sleep
A Poem
You want a poem?
You think you deserve a poem?
I mean, I guess you do, it's not like you don't
I can't say this one is really about you, I mean, I will and I won't
You think -
You wonder -
You check -
Did I make the list?
Am I qualified?
Do I join the few, the many, those who
ave been worthy of poetry?
Of her words?
I'm sick of words.
I'm sick of the words.
Words don't hold you.
Words don't sing you to sleep.
Words don't make you feel safe.
Not the way arms do.
Not the way hands do.
Not the way a soul does pouring itself into you.
And I wished for that.
I wanted that so badly.
Still do.
But, I'm sorry to say, it's not going to come from you.
Planted
My roots, hanging out for the world to see, searching, grabbing for fresh soil, water, nutrients, love, anything, really,
Staring down at myself from above, trying not to leaf-myself behind, trying to grow and shrink at the same time,
Trying to shine,
Like I'm drowning in myself,
Lost in the vines of my own thoughts, my own actions,
What do I really want?
Is it air?
Sunlight?
Water?
Is it freedom?
Grounding?
Stability or options?
Options for stability?
Can someone just carry me to their mansion and keep me safe and warm?
Do things work like that anymore?
This
Without a notice
Like a bird
Softly moving through the trees
Unnoticed until the breeze
Revealing it's figure to you,
It never meant to scare you, it's true
It just is what it is
I never want anyone to feel like this.