Today I am grateful for:
- This is a feeling and it will pass
- My home
- My friends
- My family
- My car
- My computer
- My voice
- My poems
- Arts and crafts
- Folks who make me laugh
- Vision boards
- Praise the Lords
- Warm sweaters
- Days off
- Days away
- Learning
I am and I am not okay.
Please don't investigate what makes me feel this way.
Just wish me another beautiful day.
Invite me over and maybe I'll stay.
Swing by and say you just needed to say, "Hey!"
Wish me a better more wonderful day.
But please don't ask me if I'm okay.
I really thought I could stay
I really thought all of this mess would just go away
But what they don't tell you is feelings are day-to-day
What they don't tell you is that even if you learn the lesson, the bruises take time to fade away,
What they don't tell you is that trauma bonds are as easy to fall into as an open pit,
They don't tell you that you won't want to quit
They don't tell you how easy it would be to convince me
They don't tell me how easy it would be to convince you
And it hurts to know that we're through
And I don't even know the name of the hurricane I just swam through
Was that a knock on the door or the other shoe?
And why was it so easy to want to forgive you?
And why was I so worried about you?
And why did I make sure that you're okay?
And why did I still wish you would stay?
And do I now have to go through these thoughts on every single Monday?
I should have known when I woke up the next morning and ran to vomit
I should have known when I woke up screaming because I thought there was a centipede on my ceiling waiting to fall in my open mouth,
I should have known when the shaman said she cleansed the smoke in my throat
I should have known when I had to take the pill alone
I should have known when I took the tests
I should have known when I leapt for joy at the first sign of blood
I should have known when I found the bruises on my body
I should have known when I got on the ground crying
I should have known when the thoughts came spiraling in
Telling me it would be easier to disappear
Telling me no one would care
Telling me now that you knew you would never dare
Telling me that everyone would know
Telling me that I was untouchable
Unlovable
Undesirable no. 1
I should have known when I got up off the floor
When my chest was sore
When my tears smeared the Christmas card I was writing for my mother
When you went out that door
I should have known before
I don’t know what I expected
But I guess I expected more
Like I could just release you that once and you'd be gone
Never to return again
And I wish I could just un-swallow all those words
Like I could just hand over this pain
Like I wish I was standing out in the rain
And I wish we could begin again
And I wish you didn't do it
I wish you didn't
I wish you
I wish
I
wish
I
I wish you said, "Some other night,"
I wish I knew why I didn't feel right
I wish I didn't know you
I wish you were mean
I wish I never had to wonder if you left because of my sickness or my pain
I wish I never saw you again
But they keep happening
Why?
Why do so many people have to cry?
Why do so many people have to be in pain?
Please, God, tell me why?