And I can't believe
or how these thoughts won't go away,
And I wonder if it will be today,
Or if I'll ever stop calling myself stupid and embrace play,
And when will I be able to listen to myself?
When will I be able to hear myself and not shove my feelings down?
When will I be able to feel what I feel and know its okay to frown?
When will I be able to make my full sound?
When will I be able to lay my worries down?
Can I please have a moment, a second, a breath?
Just to take stock of what I have left?
I feel like a car on a track, lap after lap, and there's no going back,
Running on empty and starting to swerve,
Going too fast around a particular curb,
Please someone help me though you don't know how,
I need you here, here and now,
And maybe I'm just talking to me,
And I need to help me,
Or I need to let myself be free,
And I wonder what I'm keeping inside?
What is it that I'm working so hard to hide?
And why do I suppress my entire being?
What am I afraid of someone else seeing?
Is it anger?
Fear?
Unpleasant feelings?
Is it love?
Pleasure?
Smiling and reeling?
I've been shamed for both.
For all.
For being.
"Shut up"
"Stop being so loud"
"Why do you laugh so loud?"
I've been mocked and teased by people I love
"You're ugly when you say things like that"
"That's ugly"
Why would you tell someone that?
I mean, I get it, you think it will help them be less mean - but maybe there is a reason they are being mean? And what if you telling them to stop doesn't stop them from being mean, but it stops them from expressing anger -- more directly, what if it keeps them suppressing anger so they never know how to express it right or they are scared to express it. You tell them its okay to feel and its okay to cry, but as soon as they're angry you tell them its better to lie, to say nothings wrong, to say that you're fine -
why, why, why, do you want them to drown in wine?
What is this feeling?
Why do we do this?
To ourselves?
To each other?
How could we be so cruel?
We are born to feel things, feelings help us rule -
Over our minds, hearts, and bodies, they tell us what's wrong,
They help us see that we all belong,
they create sympathy, empathy, and well-being,
Feeling all of our feelings can be so freeing,
but here we are suppressing,
Wondering why we're so depressing,
Misunderstanding why we're stressing,
Not enough sleep,
Not enough water,
Not enough food,
Not enough shelter,
Not enough sunlight,
Not enough friendship,
Not enough peace,
Not enough rest,
Not enough worries off our chest,
When does it end?
When will we stop?
And when will they invent a negative self talk cop?
How can we put ourselves first?
And end this curse?
Know its okay if we feel worse.
Know that we have to feel x in order to feel y,
Know that we will feel all the feelings until we die,
Know that its part of life and you have to go through it,
that there isn't some magic pill to help you get through it,
you feel what you feel and those feelings are real,
even if you try to make yourself a deal,
no matter how you try those feelings will come out,
so maybe you should let them, open yourself to express,
so you're not a huffing puffing volcano in distress,
with everyone staring at you wild,
wondering why you are acting "like a child,"
Asking you all kinds of questions and threatening to ground you,
Even though you're 28 years old and just feeling blue,
so feel what you feel and let that shit go,
stop trying to control what can't be controlled,
sit down and breathe,
climb a mother-f-ing tree,
take a walk through the breeze,
don't stifle a feeling like you don't stifle a sneeze,
do a downward dog and say namaste,
get your heart out of the deep piles of hay,
turn on your favorite song and let your body play,
begin your morning with the words, "today is a great day,"
and know it can go either way,
Express yourself and say what you need to say,
be your entire self, if only for today,
And tell someone if you need to get away,
And then run, walk, fly, or flee
be wherever you need to be,
see whoever you need to see,
and finally let your feelings free
You're Doing It Wrong
You're not in your place
You're not where you belong
You make me feel like empty space
You keep walking by and not saying hello
Looking for somewhere else to go
Didn't you read the script? Don't you have the pamphlet?
Wondering why you're so far from me,
Wishing you could see what I see,
Wondering if I'll ever be free,
Mistaking kindness for a consideration,
Your smiles fill me with intoxicating elation,
Got me taking deep inhalations,
Making my heart take cover like a healthy crustacean,
I can't,
I can't,
Or maybe I can,
or maybe I'm scared to see if I can,
And what if I'm right,
And what if you're wrong,
And what if this isn't where we belong,
And why can't we just skip to the end?
And be there, and see there, instead of begin,
Why do I keep trying to win,
When there is no award for sitting in sin,
I keep auditioning for the part,
Knowing that it will only break my heart,
Joke's on me, I already have it,
But am I still winning if I can't grab it?
And what if I am a fraud?
And what if no one applauds?
And why do I suddenly feel so sad?
And why won't I let myself be mad?
And who is in charge of letting things go?
And why can't I just turn off my ego?
What are these expectations and who do they help?
I'm trying to understand,
But instead I feel like a tourist lost in Japan,
And I'm trying to make you my map or my guide,
but you're just as lost and to make things worse, you're trying to hide,
And I'm swimming around looking for land,
But no one seems to want to take my hand,
And if I can only grasp some passing sand,
I'll somehow make it out of the frying pan -
And then maybe I'd stop stepping on broken glass,
Slipping on stage and busting my ass,
I wanna do better, be better, somehow,
But instead I feel like I'm stuck under a plow.
So drag me along and see if I care,
And I'll do my best to was you out of my hair,
Or somehow maybe I'll be better prepared,
So many feelings and they all feel so wrong,
Feeling like there's no one place I belong,
Wondering if its me who is doing it all wrong,
Not in my place,
Not saying hello,
Always looking for somewhere else to go,
Scared to show you,
Scared to let you know that I'm there,
Because then you'd know and not be caught unawares,
But if you did, well, then, who cares?
Today I am grateful for:
- I am grateful for Zumba and the chance it gave me today to finally get something right.
- I am grateful for beautiful blue skies and how they can let the sun shine through even in the midst of a flash flood torrential downpour.
- I am grateful for poetry and its ability to let me vomit out all my day's stresses, overthoughts, and metafeelings.
- I am grateful for Weebly and this blog.
- I am grateful for you, for reading my words.
- I am grateful for my high expectations and how they push me to try harder and better myself daily.
- I am grateful for potlucks and social time and getting-to-know-yous.
- I am grateful for cooked carrots and grilled chicken and fresh fruits and their deliciousness and all the energy they bring.
- I am grateful for patience and all the people who were so kind, generous, and patient with me and my ego today and many days.
- I am grateful for warm smiles and sparkling eyes.
- I am grateful for healing bruises and knee pads.
- I am grateful for this opportunity to practice self-care and self-kindness and self-compassion.
- I am grateful for my new beautiful apartment and all the beautiful wonderful people who are helping me move in this Friday evening.
- I am grateful for budgets and financial planning.
- I am grateful for fresh cooked salmon.
- I am grateful for Stress Relief hand lotion from Bath and Body Works.
- I am grateful for my beautiful long hair.
- I am grateful for the YMCA and the in-person classes they are now offering.
- I am grateful to all the directors who have had to deal with my ego and pride.
- I am grateful for my healthy body.
- I am grateful for my fully functioning computer.
- I am grateful for my brand new tires.
- I am grateful for my working vehicle.
- I am grateful for all the health, wealth, love, joy, peace, kindness, generosity, abundance, and gratitude on its way to me now.
Goodnight, Friends. May you all have peace and joy in your hearts. May you get lots of deep restorative rest and may you wake up tomorrow with a smile on your face and a joke in your mind that keeps you laughing all day long. May you get everything right tomorrow and may everything go right for you or as best as it can. May you feel loved and complete and healthy and whole. May you know exactly where you want to go. May you feel guided and supported. May you choose love and time for yourself. May you find ever increasing wealth. May you love your body, heart, and mind and never want to hit rewind. May you be happy and healthy, wherever you be. And may you always be the person in which you believe. May you achieve all that you seek to achieve. And may you be blessed with always having more than you need.
Lots of love,
Amy