Today I am grateful for:
- Being Open Water SCUBA certified
- Surprise lunches
- My little cousin
- Kid's and their everlasting joy
- Recognizing and observing weird social norms and shame creation
- Bright yellow nails
- My best friend
- "Here comes the boy, hello boy, welcome,"
- Spontaneous journeys to Atlantis
- Late night emails, runs, and wild adventures
- Hydropower Extreme FX Extravaganza!
- Fireworks
- Badass skiers
- Standing back tuck bows
- Opportunity
- Mental clarity
- Knowledge
- Truth
- Red flags
- Therapy
- Self-love
- Reflection
- Restoration
- Explainations
- My dive buddy and his go pro camera
And all of a sudden
I realize how much energy I am pouring into you
And how little you have given me, intentionally
how I don't need you to feel valued or worthy
how I don't want to chase anyone or anything,
especially if they have no interest in chasing me
how I am worth more than being someone's bread crust
how I am worth communication
how I am worthy of time
how I am out of excuses to justify your behavior
how many things I don't understand
how many things I don't know about you
how many things I'm trying to understand
how
why
all the questions I have
like, what were you thinking?
And was it because you were drinking?
how I deserve someone who actually wants to give me something, anything really
how I don't need to prove myself
how I don't need to be ashamed of who I am
or where I am
or what I have
or who I think I love
how hard I am working to impress others
how hard I am working to earn outside validation
how your eyes still catch me in a storm
how your arms still keep me warm
And it's okay to feel
And all these feelings are real
And I pray you don't read this
And I pray you don't see this
And I pray you don't say yes
Because I don't think I'm ready for this
I thought I was
But I can't keep holding my breath
For what?
For you?
For what?
A day?
A minute?
An hour away?
And what will you even say?
What could you possibly say?
To make what you did seem okay?
And part of me doesn't even want to know
Because I have this feeling you don't even know
Like it was something you just did
And you'll want me to let it go
But I can't keep burying your red flags in the sand
Like pearl harbor planes long lost from Japan
Because every time that it rains
I'm curled up stomaching this pain,
feeling insane,
like,
"How can I complain?"
Lost in your shame,
So now that it's spilt
I'm deciding here and now to jump out of this guilt
And stand up on my own
With no desire to be alone
But sick of staring at my phone
So please don't call
And please don't text
And be whatever I say you are next
Because if I'm wrong, and you're where I belong
Because if you're right, and I'm with you tonight
Because if I'm false, and you're true
Then I'll feel all the more connected to you
And then I'll really have to be there
I'll really have to show
I'll really have to stand there
I'll really have to go
And see you in that doorframe
And here you're silly voice
And then what will I do?
I'll simply have no choice.
Messages:
- Bugs
- What's bugging you?
- Fears
- Anxiety
- Worry
- Obsession
- Fruit Flies
- Annoyances
- Frustration
- Feeling annoyed that someone or something will keep choosing to do anything except what you really want
- Flies
- A minor problem or obstacle that you must face
- You are being annoyed or irritated by others
- Perhaps contemplating a foolish action as a result
- Delayed success
- Frustrations
- Annoyance
- Joy suckers
- Guilt
- A plan that has broken down