Prologue: Sometimes You Have To Do What You're Most Afraid Of
Right now I feel:
- Pain
- Loss
- Grief
- Anger
- Resentment
I want to feel:
- Peace
- Love
- Joy
- Gratitude
So, I am going to finish reading through my journals tonight. But instead of typing every single word as I was before to digitize them, I am going to read them and write down lessons I am gaining from them instead. Because I don't want to live in the past. I don't want to live in a place that doesn't exist. I want to live in the now. So I am going to read these journals to learn what I can, process what I need to, forgive who I need to, and move on. Because I don't want to stay stuck in these negative emotions forever.
1. Lessons
- I am an extremely creative human and always have been
- I like opportunities to escape
- Friendship is important to me
- I enjoy companionship
- I appreciate when people spend time with me genuinely and with full attention
- I like to express myself
- I love being a mascot
- Believe
- I enjoy working for organizations that care genuinely for their community, clients, and employees
- Lists bring me joy
- I love volunteering
- I love making people smile
- I love love
- I don't like scary or spooky stuff
- The opinions of others are important to me, especially my family's opinion
- Sleep is important
- "as humans, we actually require a sense of meaning to thrive"
- "we don't just need relationships, we need close ones that involve understanding and caring"
- "Trust what you're getting"
- I love garage sales
2. Sweet Things
3. Favorite Quotes
- "I am embarking on a spiritual journey. I know not what this journey entails, but I am prepared to begin." - 10/15/2011 10:38pm
- "I'm not here to waste time writing about what I need to do vs. doing them" - 11/16/2011 10pm
- "I just hope I can remember love too, even if I forget everything else. I want to remember love" - 1/12/2012
- "I want to stay here because of the great people, friends, love, support, encouragement, but I wonder if I'm in the right place" - 1/12/2012
- "Stop engaging in behaviors that make you feel guilty" - 1/17/2012
- "I want someone who loves me for me; not for what I have done or what I will become." - 1/17/2012
- "One should never purchase too many journals; Otherwise one might feel an obligation to fill each of them." - 10/15/2011 night time
- "Sometimes I feel as if everything I say and write has the potential to sound ten times better if it is written in a British accent." - 10/15/2011 night time
- "I have this overwhelming desire to do something creative" - 4/12/2012
- "I really want to be a writer" - 6/11/2012
4. Things to Do
- Write gratitude letters to others
- Keep a gratitude journal
- Forgive someone
- Donate goods, services, or $
- "I seriously want to take piano" - 1/12/2012
- Visualize best possible future
- Identify and replace negative thoughts
- Do nice things
- Build relationships
- Be kind
- Spend time with friends
- Pursue passions
- Volunteer
- Be clear about what you desire and focus on it with unwavering faith
- Do release ritual, release worries
- Start a pillow fight
- Go outdoors, connect with nature
- If you have a scenario you are worried, journal "the worst of times" and "the best of times"
- Write a poem
- Stop pushing aside your dreams or desires for someone or something else.
- When's the last time you did something to help you towards your dream?
- What would you try if you knew you couldn't fail?
- There is nothing wrong about who I am.
- I am not to blame for the decisions and behaviors of others. This does not mean I do not care.
- I am not alone.
- YOLO
- You don't have to apologize for existing
5. What If You Do?
B: Actually you are both quite similar.
A: How?
B: Well, you both like _ and _
A: So do many others
B: You both struggle with your faith and religious perspective and like to discuss that.
A: Maybe . . .
B: He loves to learn
A: Yeah, he loves to learn _
B: AND he's a jerk to you, just like how you are to him
A: I believe that's called, "wit"
B: . . .
A: Your point?
B: My point is that he might be just like you! Crazy about you! Scared of rejection. Scared of a relationship. Scared to show his heart to anyone or give anyone the opportunity to hurt him. Its YOU. You see YOU in him. Because YOU are equally passionate for each other and you are both equally stupid and crazy because you say you want a relationship, fall for each other, then fear the thing that was your primary goal: love.
A: But what if I just think this is real? How much of a fool would I look like if I try something?
B: What would you try?
A: . . . Er . . . I dunno
B: You never thought about it? What if someone (a very reliable source) tells you he came out to them, pouring his heart out, saying how much he liked YOU?
A: Yeah, that would never happen.
B: Not with that PISS POOR attitude!
A: Rude.
B: YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS!
A: STOP YELLING!
B: Fine, but listen.
A: Ok.
B: So, if you find out, you'll have to confront him, right?
A: NO WAY!
B: WHAT?
A: I'm way too scared.
B: Let's practice. Here, I'll go first: Hey there! I've got a message for you!
A: Er yeah?
B: Well, look, keep this between me and you but I'm pretty sure _ likes you a lot, and I don't know if he has the guts to tell you, but, just out of curiosity I was wondering if you even like him?
A: Are you sure?
B: Well, he told me about a girl he likes A LOT and . . . I think its you.
6. Affirmations
- All is well
- I am safe
- It is safe for me to grow up
- I now handle my own life with joy and ease
- I am safe
- I am loved
- I am happy
- I am beautiful
- In with the new, out with the old
- I am confident
- I am calm
- I am free to grow up
7. I Did A Thing
8. I Miss You
I miss your cozy red velvet seats. I miss the smell of saw dust near the scene shop. I miss the moment before the lights faded up. I miss the cold quiet crisp air. I miss the audience members who spoke entire words or sentences out loud as reactions to their experiences because that was the only way they could process everything they were going through. I miss trap doors and fly rails. I miss crawling through catwalks and guard rails. I miss moving genies. I miss drills and c-wrenches. I miss steaming 24 button down shirts just to do it all again four hours later. I miss the way the kid's faces would light up when they'd see Cinderella's carriage appear from the sky. I miss singing along to all the pre-show songs and getting the musical show stoppers stuck in my head. I miss the themed gift shops and overpriced concession stands. I miss the warm lobbies and the long restroom lines. I miss the tuxedo uniforms and the puppets and the makeup and the wigs and the costumes. I miss saying "hold please" and "standby lights" and "GO". I miss holding my breath before a cue to make sure I could hear my cue line. I miss volunteer ushering. I miss telling audience members about the history of a certain theatre. I miss saying, "Goooooooooood evening everyone and welcome to the Children's Theatre and our production of Dr. Seuss's How The Grinch Stole Christmas!" I miss subscription sales. I miss box offices. I miss the sound of tickets ripping. I miss the sound of ticket scanners. I miss people running up and down the hallways to get to their seats before the doors closed and the holds began. I miss the opening notes of Into the Woods or Pippin or The Book of Mormon. I miss the feeling before a show began as I waited in the wings hoping I'd get it right tonight. I miss hearing my director cackle with laughter at something I just did onstage. I miss cackling at my actors in a show I am directing. I miss collaborating with designers. I miss memorizing text. I miss having an audience. I miss intermission. I miss tech rehearsal. I miss "Thank you, five" and straight sixes. I miss Equity votes and Deputy selections. I miss opening night gifts and closing cries. I miss quick changes and set changes and curtains going up and down. I miss seeing my scene partner two feet in front of me. I miss projecting my voice throughout an entire room. I miss voice lessons. I miss choreography. I miss stage doors and marquees. I miss bright lights and dressing rooms. I miss parking lots and valets. I miss long dresses and good days. I miss ghost lights and Shakespeare. I miss late night load outs and early morning load ins. I miss watching giant projection screen cloud set pieces shaped like pringles descend from the sky so Lady Gaga could use them as a bridge to walk to her next stage piece. I miss fog machines that won't turn off. I miss projectors that turn blue in the middle of the show when they aren't supposed to. I miss high school productions of Les Miserables. I miss the Ivey Awards. I miss Neil Patrick Harris telling me that I can be anything I want to be in the middle of the Tony Awards. I miss hearing the stage manager call the show over the monitor. I miss Jenny Friend saying "Goooooooooood morning everyone!" I miss production meetings. I miss auditions and callbacks. I miss board meetings and phone calls with mysterious publishing agents. I miss velvet ropes and red carpets. I miss ushers standing in bathrooms. I miss bar tenders giving me pretzels. I miss security guards making me laugh. I miss volunteers not showing up. I miss pre-show announcements and capital campaigns. I miss grants and fellowships and apprenticeships and company members. I miss everything about you. I look forward to seeing you very, very soon.