Waiting in the wings for you
This Friday, our remaining weekend of performances for Hamilton were cancelled. I knew there was nothing I could do and so I decided to make the best of my evening and I spent all of Friday night recording videos for online audition submissions and I had an absolute blast. I regained my confidence. I believed in myself. I submitted so many auditions I lost count. I threw myself into the universe so hard it has to catch me somewhere. I also found my possible dream job and applied for it.
All with hope.
All with light in my eyes.
All with this joy.
This pleasure.
This inner knowing that this world is where I belong.
That this place is what I know.
This job is what I know.
And I love it.
And I'm good at it.
And who doesn't love being good at something? Especially when you are recognized for it? And I'm not perfect - nobody is - but, it was just such a relief to see how amazing that could feel - being good at something and being recognized for it. And I want that for everyone.
And.
I want stability.
I want to know everything will be okay.
I want us all to just get through this.
But I'm not in charge.
I don't get to control this moment, this day, this disease.
I don't get to require vaccinations or boosters or stay home orders.
So I focused on what I could control.
I applied to all the things.
I did laundry.
Dishes
Meal prep
grooming
I showered
I ate
I moved my body
I tried the tarot but I didn't really even know what I was asking or what I wanted to hear or -
I just felt so lost.
I feel lost.
I feel like I don't know where I begin or end.
I feel the need, the desperate need to be productive
to do
to do something
to be better
to become
to change
to transform
But I'm like a child waiting outside of a chrysallis shaking it begging it to come out
Or a mother penguin over her egg pecking at it hoping it will crack soon and reveal the one thing she's wanted more than anything in the world
I'm the shivering man over the stove warming his hands as we waits for the coils to boil his water into something that is drinkable
I am the actor waiting for the callback
for the audition
for the phone call
for the application
for the interview
for the promotion
for the job
for the client
for the right time
for the right moment
for the right place
for the right person
for the right partner
for the right diet
for the right
for the
for
And I don't want to wait
I want to run
I don't want to learn
I want to know
I don't want to stay
I want to go
I want to find
I want to cling
I want to hold
I want it back
I want that feeling back
that place back
but was it all a romantic fantasy?
It can't ever be what it was completely
Not the way it was before
The fact that we're here is a miracle
And I just want
But I can't
Because you can't recreate a fantasy
You can't recreate the past
You can't tape a mirror back together after it has broken
And it's hard to get that
It's hard to move forward
Because you don't want to at first
You say you do, but you don't want to
Because backward is easy
backward is what you know
back there is comfort even if there is pain because it is what you know it is where you normally go
But forward
Forward is unknown
forward is
Well, I just want to get there
But where?
There is no there.
There is only here.
So let's be here.
There is so much pressure to do. To go for it. To make things happen. But sometimes I think you have to wait. You have to put your pans in the fryer and wait for the magic to happen. For the bread to rise. For the snow to melt. For the beautiful butterfly to come out and make you cry. You can't control the world. You can only control what you do. So what is it that you want to do? What is it that you need? What is it that you need to hear right now?
It's okay
It's okay to rest
You're doing you're best
I know you are
and you don't need to have every answer
And some things sound really nice but there are no quick fixes
Slow and steady wins the race
You are the one who sets the pace
I think I just get scared I'm getting complacent - when I'm in a place that won't let me move up and has no desire to make me full-time where I fear too much repetition, getting sick of doing the same thing day in and day out but I wonder if that will continue no matter where I am but that's not true because most places don't do the same show for 5 years. I mean, there are obviously broadway shows that do but even then folks don't often stay that long and, I mean, if you're happy, you can and that's great. But now I have more and more reasons to leave. To move on. To get to better things.
And I see them. On the horizon. And I'm grasping so desperately, but I'm also terrified that they aren't really there. That it's all an illusion. Because it feels like we're going backward again. It feels like it's happening again. And I'm just not sure what to do. Where to go. How to be.
But maybe I don't need to worry about how. I just need to worry about me. Well, maybe I don't need to worry at all, but it's just more of a reflection - a personal protection - what do I want? What do I want?
I want an easy peaceful life
Where I can meditate and do yoga and workout and dance and sing and perform and create and I can travel and live in these beautiful places and go on nature walks and see amazing landscapes and places and be with my partner and laugh and have fun and learn continuously and just be kind to myself. And I want to live somewhere with a moderate climate that always makes me feel happy. And I want to breathe fresh air every day and see trees and mountains and oceans. And I want to follow my happy every day. Every day is a new adventure. Every day I learn something new. Every day I am happy. Every day I learn something new about myself and my joy. I am amazingly talented and I share my talent with the world. I have so much to offer the world.
Dear Universe,
If I am so good, show me.
Dear Universe,
If I am so blessed, let the blessings pour into my experience.
Cancelled: A Memoir
"We all knew this was a possibility"
"I saw this coming"
Of course
Of course this happened
Everything's fine
We're fine
I'm fine
Everything will be okay
At least no one died
Did they?
Damn.
Well, I hope she's at least okay.
Me?
Well, I'm as good as I can be for someone in this situation, I s'pose.
Is this technically a vacation?
Contagious: The Album
- "It ain't easy bein' sneezy"
- "I said it was allergies, but they don't believe me"
- "You got the flu? Huh? You too?"
- "A cacophany of coughs"
- "I saw you touch that tissue"
- "Sanitize me"
- "Lysol ain't strong enough to cover what we did"
I thought you were forever
I thought I would never have to say goodbye to you
But here I am
And where are you?
Thank you for my car
Thank you for my internet
Thank you for wifi in general, damn
Thank you for iPhones
Thank you for my computer
Thank you for my blog
Thank you for my website
Thank you for all the incredible amazing opportunities I have hand
That I have found
That I have worked on
That I have worked through
Thank you for all the incredible footage you are going to send me so I can put together my reel
Thank you for all the blessings on their way to me now
Thank you for my friends
Thank you for hugs
Thank you for my freshly cleaned apartment and laundry and dishes and food that is meal prepped and full tank and thank you for my beautiful hair that grows so fast and thank you for brunch at Project Pollo and thank you for love and light and joy and feelings and the power of empathy
And thank you for humor
And thank you for meditation and yoga and deep breaths and working out and mental health and counseling and marco polo and
thank you