Pre-Prologue: BLACK LIVES MATTER
Black lives matter. Black lives matter. Black lives matter. Black lives matter.
I am legally under quarantine in my house and don't feel safe enough to go to physical protests. I am terrified of this pandemic, and I am staying with my 67 year old godmother. I cannot risk exposure. I am livid. I am heart broken. I am doing all I can from home per this article: medium.com/equality-includes-you/what-white-people-can-do-for-racial-justice-f2d18b0e0234, and I encourage you to do the same.
Read, write, use your voice, vote, sign petitions, get mad, get sad, learn what you can, watch 13th, read August Wilson, Dominique Morriseau, buy and read Kill Move Paradise by James Ijames, donate to Nonprofit Organizations doing the work, buy your Black Lives Matter merchandise from the official organization AND WEAR IT, listen to Black Power playlist on Spotify, learn about the Black Panther Movement and why a social program trying to feed black children so they'd do better in school was targeted as the #1 terrorist organization in America by the FBI.
Do what you can, but also remember your mental health and take care of yourself too. You can't take care of anyone if you don't care for yourself. So, while you are doing all that you can, remember you don't have to do ALL that you can, but all that you can while maintaining balance for yourself if you have the privilege of doing so. <3
Prologue: Empty and Full
We spend so much of our lives running from ourselves. We focus on other people, objects, goals, and when we get them we're left thinking "What's next?" or "Is that all there is?" In Now For Tomorrow, Deepak Chopra talks about how we spend 90% of our time trying to push our opinions on other people, and he invites us to imagine how much we could do if we used that energy somewhere else. It's exciting. And its nice to really step back and observe others around you not so you can judge them, but see yourself trying to convert them into junior you's too, and maybe even stopping yourself so you can spend energy elsewhere. Instead of trying to change everyone around you into mini-yous, really, accept them for who they are, know you will never change them (or at least you never will if you keep trying to hit them over the head with a "change now" hammer), and start to do the difficult work of -- okay, what if I can't change this person into who I want them to be -- how can I find peace with this and still dialogue through difference?
Oooh my IGR professors would be so proud of me right now. Permit me to explain. Last semester, I had the pleasure of taking a class called Intergroup Relations (IGR), which is a practice specifically seeking to assist people in dialoging through difference. Instead of spending all your time and energy trying to convert people, it pushes you to actually listen to people, seek to understand their point of view, live in a paradox and be okay with disagreeing with them but still finding a way to coexist together.
For example, let's say you believe chocolate chip cookies should always be crispy and the other person thinks they should always be chewy. Instead of shutting down once you learn they prefer chewy chocolate chip cookies, you actually listen to them speak about why they believe what they believe and you learn that their mother always made them chewy cookies because she had dentures and it was easier for her to eat them and that was the only way they could ever eat cookies and it reminded them of her and their time together because she passed away when they were quite young and they never really had anyone growing up. Now, you might still think 'they're wrong', but you can see why they believe what they believe and you can disagree but still shop at the same grocery store, buy the same chocolate chips, or both cheer for your daughters at their soccer games. Welcome to IGR.
My point? I am scared but excited. I am full of love and empty of hate. I am awakening inside myself and seeing that there is so much to look forward to. I am seeing that everything I have ever been through has brought me to this moment and to who I am today and I don't want to be any different that who I am right here right now because I have learned so much and grown so much and I will continue to do so and what a beautiful thing to look forward to.
My best friend told me yesterday, "The next time you need a visual reward, take a look at your self in the mirror." I laughed at this idea and she cut me off saying, "I'm serious." And she's 1000% right. So, today, I am spending this blog post looking at myself in the mirror: my inner child, my present self, and my future self because I believe they all coexist inside of me and I have a message for each of them. Welcome.
1. To My Inner Child
Please let me tell you: You are enough. You are enough for existing.
You do not need to do anything. You do not have to be anyone. You do not have to reach some ideal, some expectation, some grade level, some degree level, some job title, some income level, some house size, some family size, some ring on it, some employment status. You don't have to stream or record or document everything you do in order for it to be valid or "worthy". You are enough. You are beautiful. You are loved.
And I don't mean by others or your family or friends (which you are btw), but by me, by yourself. I love you. I love you so so so much that I sometimes push us to great lengths to prove something. To prove we can be better. To prove we are the best. To prove we know everything. To prove we are the kid that our grandmother told us we were. We are smart, beautiful, and we will get all A's and we will be a movie star. But we don't need to prove anything.
We are enough. You are enough.
I see you. I see you in a way no one else can. No matter how hard we try to make others see us, it does (and doesn't) matter -- because I see you. I have been with you longer than anyone else has, I know your every thought and your every lived experience because I am you. And I love you for all that you have done and for all that you are regardless of your employment status, your # of activities accomplished today, your marital status, your partner status, your weight, your dress size, your sexuality, your income level, your # of friends, your mistakes, your health 'issues', your brokenness, your wholeness, your trauma, your instincts, your failures, your fears, your doubts, -- I love you regardless. And you know what? I'm the best person who can say that because honestly, no matter how many people tell you they'll love you unconditionally -- 1. its not a promise they can really make because they have no idea what could possibly happen to change things and they have every right to change their mind, but 2. what they define as unconditional or love could mean something completely different from what you define as love or unconditional. I really don't think its the unconditional part that matters. Honestly, its the love part. And I know what you mean when you say I love you, so, here I am saying it: I LOVE YOU. So do or do not, I care, but your accomplishments won't change my love for who you are regardless.
2. To My Present Self
3. To My Future Self
4. Something I've Been Ruminating On
5. Things I Keep Seeing And Finally Looked Up
- The Lorax/nature/wood spirit
- "Catching a glimpse of one of these elusive creatures is said to be a lucky thing, for if you are fortunate enough to actually see one, your health, happiness and good fortune are guaranteed."
- "bring wisdom, prosperity, humor, good health and good luck to all that live there."
- "Most sightings are by children or by the pure of heart."
- "When you take your Wood Spirit home, give it a place of honor. Include the Wood Spirit in the audience when you tell jokes (Wood Spirits have a delightful sense of humor)."
- Plane
- "air-plane is able ascend to heave"
- "Dreaming about landing often means your target is (or will be) completed. The circumstances of the landing are symbolical for how successful and enjoyable such finish really is (or may be). Dreams where the airplane is landing means that feet of all passengers will touch the ground again – more stable and solid foundations in life are approaching."
- "According to Psychological dreambook, plane landing is a symbol of peace, spirit balance and ending some definite life stage."
- Roadrunner
- "The Roadrunner is a sign of Epiphany, Illumination and that something in your life has been healed on the spiritual and physical levels. The Roadrunner is sign to the completion of a phase, transformation or goal in life. You can now move forward to new and greater horizons. You have nothing to worry about. Divine is concerned about all that you have been through and the lessons that you brought you to where you are right now in your life."
- "Divine has spoken on something in your life and whatever he has done on your behalf in the spirit world, no one can touch, no being can alter or undo. You may feel as though you are wasting your efforts in your situation, but Divine says, “Stay in the race”. Just keep on running. You are to use incredible affirmations. The roadrunner reminds you to hang only with ‘your ideal crowd of people’. As you are aware of bull S**T and can spot a mile a minute, so to speak. If something doesn’t feel right, then it isn’t. Always ask questions, and do not fear offending anyone, as you are only here in this lifetime, ONCE!"
- "It shows in your character that you are majestic and royalty. Whether in the spirit realm and world or here in this lifetime. You are highly respected and your advice comes highly noted. Divine walks with you personally, you can feel Divine, you can see Divine…You can sense, taste and smell Divine’s presence. This works to your favor."
- "You are to keep moving forward and fear not of anyone burning the bridges around you. You have the abilities to fly where you wish to fly, soar as high as you wish to soar. You know who you are now. And the difficulties are beneath you now. Often times, you appear or feel weak, not so that it is a test to you, but to test the will of those around you and to see where their hearts’ truly at with regards to their ‘loving’ words."
- "As things have expired, and lost hope in the past, things will begin and you will feel a pleasure in life again from every aspect. Stay in your lane, learn all that you can about who you are and why you are here, in order to awaken to your potential. You are strong for a reason and nothing can truly harm you. It can only intend, powerlessly.
- Fat Pidgeon or Dove sitting in the middle of the street not moving
- "There's no difference between a pigeon and a dove in scientific nomenclature, but colloquial English tends to categorize them by size. Something called a dove is generally smaller than something called a pigeon, but that's not always the case. A common pigeon, for example, is called both a rock dove and a rock pigeon."
- "The pigeon, or dove, often became a part of religious ritual and rites of passage."
- “White Dove Releases have been recognized for centuries as a symbolic ritual for couples to insure a strong, pure, peaceful, chaste and loving marriage. Because Doves are devoted and dedicated to their mates, couples wish that the love of the dove be bestowed upon them as the dove is released with its mate. From this age-old tradition, comes the Dove Releases of today.”
- "The Greeks saw Aphrodite, goddess of love and beauty, as a dove. Romans sacrificed doves to Venus Columba - Venus the Dove - goddess of love and fertility. Poets like Ovid described Venus riding in a dove-drawn chariot."
- "the dove as a symbol of the divine love"
- Resilient, perceptive, devoted
- Love
- Sacrifice
- Motherhood
- Harmony
- Peace
- Rocks/stones/earth
- Solidity, stability, being grounded
- Gravity
- "We have forgotten what rocks and plants still know - we have forgotten how to be - to be still - to be ourselves - to be where life is here and now" - Eckhart Tolle
- time, cold, heavy, subtle, silent, memory, stable, rooted, matter, comfort, patience, strength, constant, grounding, immovable, permanence, foundational
- "Rock gardens are a portal through which we can transport ourselves into a state of Zen."
- Clothes feeling restrictive
- "It just reiterates that your concerns or anxieties are your own projections; no one will notice except you. You may be magnifying the situation and making an issue out of nothing."
- "dropping walls and fronts that guard us against becoming the best of ourselves; giving up the layers of unnecessary mindsets and opening our hearts to a lifestyle of simplicity."
- "Our society has trained us to alter ourselves into a person completely different than who we are; but what for? When we wander through life with false personas, we cannot create and build relationships with true meaning. Every friendship and bond is built from crooked foundation due to nature in which we have been raised to adopt."
- "gateway to a life of complete freedom."
6. My Own Serenity Prayer
7. My New Room (A Work In Progress)
8. I Live In A Loving, Generous, Kind Universe
- The world is a safe and friendly place.
- I am surrounded by love, kindness, and generousity
- I live in a generous universe
- I am protected by Divine Love. I am always safe and secure. I am willing to grow up and take responsibility for my actions and for my life. I forgive others, and I now create my own life the way I want it. I am safe.
- It is safe for me to create all the love I want
- I nourish myself with spiritual food, and I am satisfied and free
- I am willing to forgive the past. It is safe for me to go beyond the limitations of others
- I see my trespassers as loveless children and I forgive easily. We are both free.
- I willingly forgive. I breathe life into my vision and see with compassion and understanding.
- I love and approve of myself. I am safe.
- I am safe. It is safe to feel. My feelings are normal and acceptable.
- I am free.
- I am free of all irritations. All is well.
- I trust that right action is always taking place in my life. I am at peace.
- I am safe and secure at all times. Love surrounds me and protects me. All is well.
- I am now willing to see my own beauty and magnificence.
- I accept Divine guidance and am always safe.
- Hip hip hooray - there is joy in every day. I am balanced and free.
- I am safe. All pressure dissolves. I AM good enough.
- I lovingly release the day and slip into peaceful sleep, knowing tomorrow will take care of itself.
- I am willing to change the patterns in me that created this condition. I love and approve of myself. I am safe.
- I reach out safely.
- I am at peace with my own feelings. I am safe where I am. I create my own security. I love and approve of myself.
- I am grateful for life's generosity to me. I am blessed.
- I feel safe to be me.
- I trust my inner voice. I am strong, wise, and powerful.
- I release all restrictions, and I am free to be me.
- I release all fears. I now trust the process of life. I know that life is for me. I stand straight and tall with love.
- I forgive myself, and I choose to love myself.