♩
But I didn't want you to lose it
So I put it in a plastic bag
But I never gave it to you
Even though its all I had
So I had to write it again
But now I don't know if it will be the same
And do you even want it?
Do you even need it?
Are you just as scared?
Are you just as underprepared?
Acting as if you don't care -
Or spread too thin to even be aware
And I'm feeling bitter
And I'm feeling resent
And I'm feeling a lack of confident
Trying to understand
Trying not to make demands
Worried that I'm not allowed to like you
Worried that I'm not allowed to love you
So I try to find you alone, But you're never alone
And I try to catch you going home, but when I look back you're already gone
And I can't believe I haven't given you my telephone,
But it never feels like the right moment
Or the right day
Or the right path
Or the right way
Feels like the universe is keeping us away
Biting myself for biding my time
Kicking myself for lacking in rhyme
Torturing myself because I've been so cold
So awkward
So confusing
So . . . unbold
Trying not to be too obvious
Acting like I'm oblivious
Panicked at the thought of losing you
Searching for you like a lost ship
And you catch me looking through the trees -
"Were you scared you lost me?"
"Only a little." I hope you see
Dipping me like an ice cream sundae
Making you laugh that one day
"What would I do without you?"
I don't know, please come through
"Sounds like a great time"
Got me speaking like a mime
"I love --I would love"
I heard you, it's okay to be in love
But is it okay to be direct?
And I don't need an answer.
Ok, maybe I do.
Somehow my message got lost on its way to you
And I don't understand
Because we sort of had plans
But then we didn't
And I get it
But I also don't
And I wish you would tell me
But I also wish I would tell you
And I know I haven't been the easiest to talk to
Stuck in my own shade of blue
So scared that I might hurt you
Putting all your needs before mine
Creating my own stress on my spine
So if you're wondering why I linger too long and can't look you in the eye
Hopefully you'll soon find out
When I run up to you and shout,
And my hands start to shake with doubt,
And I give it to you,
the note in the bag written in blue.
Sober
And I can't tell if I'm sober from infatuation or drunk in doubt
And I'm judging every interaction
Like it's a final transaction
And I can't
I can't tell if it's clarity
or mental obscurity
Because suddenly it feels so unclear
Like - what the hell am I doing here?
And is this all just to get me through the year?
Some people chug beer,
what if I chug cheer?
And if you told me you loved me, would I actually hear?
And my heart feels paper thin, it feels so sheer,
like you could burst right through it if you got too near,
And I can't smell you and that makes me nervous,
And I can't tell you and that makes me feel like a car that needs service
It feels like there are moments you let me in and doubt comes pouring in too,
Are you?
Am I?
Are we?
Or is it just me?
And I wanna be patient and I don't wanna rush
Because maybe this is the universe protecting us
And I'm scared
I'm terrified
of letting you in and losing my pride
of never wanting to leave your side
Doubting myself like missing bride
Trying to tell myself that I tried
And I did
I mean
I said
And I sent
And I hide
And I noticed the other day that you lied
or maybe you forgot
But I think not
But it wasn't bad
It was pretending you didn't have information that I knew that you had
And I thought it was cute
Your sneaky route
And I wondered if you asked to be there with me
Or if you were forced to be
Feeling like a ship knocked way off its course
Or watching prince charming get off his horse
And I want us to talk
And I want us to meet
But every time that I see you I keep six feet
And I didn't know someone could be so cold in Texas heat
And I get that you're busy
And I get you need sleep
So I silence my feelings and hope that they'll keep
Trying to be a shepherd to an invisible sheep
But feeling resentment starting to creep
Because my cup over runneth
And its no longer funneth
Giving you my every thought
Feeling like I'm getting caught
And I just want to tell you
I just want to say it
if love were a record, would you ask me to play it?
But you said yes
And I second guess
But you said YES
But I remember
And I wonder if you're just being polite
Or if someday you'll really kiss me goodnight
And something in my stomach doesn't feel right
Because I'm trying too hard to please you
And I'm trying too hard to breathe through
But it's hard to believe you
When you refuse to come through
So please do
Please don't forget me
Please don't pretend
If you're interested say so,
If you're not, that's the end,
I promise I'm strong
Don't string me along
It's okay to tell me if you're feeling this is wrong,
It's okay to say you just like to flirt,
So I can stop standing alone in my hurt,
Playing the ending before it begins,
Wondering if maybe we should just be friends,
If I made a mistake
Or ate too much cake
Is this what it's like to create-your-own heartbreak?
Feeling like I'm barely awake,
My insides are trembling and you're my earthquake,
how does this end, for goodness sakes?
A Letter to a Future Self
Please trust me.
Please believe me.
You are safe.
You are okay.
You are enough.
You can just relax.
There is no need to doubt
to worry
to fear.
You know
I know
We know
And sometimes knowing is hard
is not easy
is not fun
is easy to doubt
But you need to trust me
Believe in me
Trust in us
And it really will set you free
You really do have the key
you have the key
you have the key
you have the key
Love,
Past and Present Amy
And its okay (5/23/21)
And it's okay to feel sad
And it's okay to need
more food
more sleep
more silence
more alone time
more peace
And it's okay to rest
And it's okay to practice self-care
And it's okay to take breaks
And drink water
And sit down
And say no
And take ten minutes
And stand up for yourself
And speak up
And I love you
so much
You are not alone
No matter how you might feel
or how many people are near
you are surrounded
you are supported
you are loved
you are
you are
you are enough
And it's so cold (06/03/21)
And you're gone
And I feel young and old
And I feel hope and loss
Fear and shame
Like if I actually let you know -
And I wonder if you know -
I mean I'm convinced that you must know and refuse to act, but how could you know?
And maybe you're just as paralyzed as me
Because we've both been shamed for love
Because we've both had our hearts mashed to bits
And we're so terrified to be in love for real
For it to be true
for that pain to reappear
but there is also so much joy
so much
joy
Enough (06/28/21)
that is enough for me
If only for a moment
your eyes meet mine
that is enough for me
Even a smile
Just one smile
that is enough for me
To be in your sights
for a moment
that is enough for me
just one hug
just one love
just one touch
that is enough for me
you are enough for me
And I can picture you
clear as day
sitting with me by the bay
dipping our toes in the shore
I can see us getting lost in conversation
up all night talking, just talking
And every night we both stare at the moon
And each moment I know I'm one breath closer to you
There's so much I want to
Know,
So much I need to
Let go,
So much I want from you but first I have to learn how to provide it for myself or maybe how not to divide myself
But I'm not perfect, no one is,
So what do I need to do?
Wait?
Breathe?
Be patient?
Could that really be your lesson - what you have to teach me?
An Ode to SW (6/18/21)
To sea lions
to otters
to eels
to orcas
to penguins
to beluga whales
to dolphins
to sharks
to beautiful theme parks
to rides and thrills
to the peaceful trees
to the doves
to the cardinals
to the summer breeze
to the smell of barbecue
of kettle corn
of corn dogs and fries
of pretzels and churros and pizza pies
of chlorine, & cleaner, & buckets of fish,
to tearful goodbyes
to saltwater eyes
to buckets of ice
to leaping off the nurses station without thinking twice
to the trainers and all the HAs
to the smell of fish that won't go away
to the tours and the campers
to the parade
to the scarecrows
to the pirates and the ski shows
to the moving statues and the seven seas
to the pumpkin patch princess
to the hay mayze
to walking on big bird's footprints
to following the yellow striped road
to the little frog napping backstage
to the playgrounds that finally opened their gates
to the water rides
to J-T-A
to the splash zones
to the prop phones
to the sunscreen and bug spray
to the smell of the laundry detergent
to 50/50 and hand sanitizer
to cranberry ice handsoap
to "filling" cheese steaks
to microwaves
to the songs of washing machines
to water bottles
to hydration
to electrolytes
to EHS
to pride merchandise
to pins
to hats
to panchos
to rain
to large umbrellas
to ottomans that misbehave
to saki and salsa
to banana splits
to flaps that always gave you a hit
to slippery stages
to one for all ages
to mops and buckets
to mimes and rhymes
to sweaters on the 4th of July
to industrial sewing
to red triangles
to jello
to birthdays
to the prizes we never won
to town halls
to San Antonio Spurs balls
to cafes
to time clocks
to kronos
to watermelon days
to the lady who always brought me the grapes
to specials
to free meals
to santa dine
to sugar cookies
to all the lights
to the candy and all the kids
to the sorting
to stacked chairs and white gloves
and candy cane lane
to all the nutcrackers that fell over in the wind and the rain
who we gave CPR to again and again
to DJs and manta-rays
to chill out bars or ice clubs
to pufferfish and falling in love
to sea lion kisses
to flippers and door tins
to melons and tails
to dorsal and pectoral fins
to nametags
and checkmarks
and where it begins
to bracelets and wristbands
and ID cards
to lanyards
and unpainted parking lots
to the security guard who made a pun on porpoise,
to Dan & Dell,
to the salvation army bell,
to Elfie and Jaimie and Twimby and Mime,
To Whizbang and Doris and Geraldine,
to gym coach
to dance class
to drama queens
to divas and disco and ymca
to N-O-E-L
to jumping through windows
to butt bruises
to mic packs on my back
to headsets and hoses
and ankle wraps
to swelling and ibuprofen
to wigs and jimmy caps
to banters and improv laughs
to tiny blue shorts
to leotards
to headphones and leg warmers and crossing guards
to dancing like a maniac
to co-workers who always have your back
for losing track of showtimes and running back
to white boards
to red tape
to storage bins
to corporate culture
and signage
and seaport
and join me at SEA
to being exactly where you're meant to be
to sting rays
to turtles
to coral reefs
to Starr the bald eagle and Korean beef
to everyone who left
to tripp to neutron to hooper to nurse
to safety to Seamore to Clyde going on first
to the most beautiful lunch lady
to shuttles
to ride mechanics
to water shoes
to roses
to tango
to hip hop
to Prince Buttercup
to iPads
to glasses without lenses
to terrible falls
to trailers
to failures
to missing the mark
to auditions
to traditions
to singing like a lark
to reopening this beautiful park
to hearing a sea lion bark
to Christmas and wish lists and baby seals
to riptide rescues and steel eels
to Texas sting rays and great whites
to the rio loco and fiesta nights
to electric ocean and tribute bands
to writing our own names in the sand
to okapis and giant giraffes
to living vines
to safari explorations
to campfire s'mores
to hot cocoa
to Cookie Monster
and Grover
and Oscar the grouch
to t-shirts
to purple jackets
to stop signs
to orange vests
to whistles and wet suits
to warm ups
to extra credit
to slide outs
to SDs
to behaviors
to "smile"
to "have a seat"
to "mic"
to "Steal"
to "GOOD"
to "POINTED!"
to "no bridge"
to shrimp scampi
to backflips
to pogo sticks
to leg lifts
to mimic spins
to spine crushers
to scholarships and bouffant hair
to historical inaccuracies
and education
and exploration
to explore
to inspire
to act
to PTO
to PPP
to Pre-pre
to "GO FOR SHOW"
to "COPY"
to 10-4
to 76
to 21
to school bells
to nurse mics
to in-scene karaoke
to mardi gras
to fireworks
to bayside
to fridges and microwaves
to dressing rooms and air conditioning
to showers
to extra hours
to dresser shifts
to culinary
to fans
to dehumidifiers
to top hats and fedoras
to old lady wigs
to sweat bands
to front dives
to physical education requirements
to sushi
to perimeter road
to foxes
to skunks
to cats
to golf carts
to pathways
to the games center
to contractors
to broken pipes
to code purples
and yellows
and reds
and oranges
and greens
and black
to Christmas trees
to radios
to 10s
to 20s
to 30s
to 76
to they really should get that fixed
to sea it say it
to video screens
to "do you have time for a 21?"
to "10-4 we're 76"
to "Going to channel 12"
to costumes
to fittings
to Yukon Cornelius
to the humble bumble
to photo ops
to sanitation
to park ops
to "And I'm a real cop"
To getting lost
To getting found
To finally having two feet on the ground