We yell
We scream
We stomp our feet
And we wonder why they do the same
We don’t understand why they won’t just listen when we refuse to do the same
We get upset at them for talking, but grow weary of them refusing to express themselves
We ask them to sit quietly while we drink and dance the night away
Why can’t you just be still
Why can’t you just sit still
Why can’t you just shut up
Why can’t you just behave
Have we?
Do we?
And why should they?
What reward have we ever given them for behaving?
A toy?
A gift?
A treat?
When all they ever wanted from us was our time, our attention, the only thing that was free to give them, our love, our eyes on them, our ears hearing their first words –
Being there
Showing up
Even when they said it didn’t matter
Even when they never asked us to do this
Or that
Or bring flowers
Or take pictures
Or dress up
Or when they do
Why do we fuss when we have to take them to soccer games?
Or bring them their glasses
Or their cleats
Or remember their 24 allergy-free treats?
Isn’t this what we asked for?
Wasn’t this in the contract?
Didn’t we say they were our miracle?
Didn’t we say we couldn’t wait?
And we woke them up in their sleep so we could play
We just wanted to be with them
We worked twice as hard –
To feed them, to see them play in the yard
We tried to move up
We tried to get that bigger job
So, we missed a few holidays
We missed a few games
We had to take those phone calls in the middle of their choir refrain –
But what was it all for?
I just have to ask.
Why did we originally take on all these extra tasks?
Wasn’t it for them?
Wasn’t it to see –
To see how happy we could make them be –
To give them all of the gifts we never had –
To help them throw sorrow and all of their mad –
We wanted to show them we could be brave
We told them their pictures and hearts we would save
That no one would hurt them while we were around
We locked them up in their rooms and told them to hunker down
We said don’t cry
We said don’t make a sound
We said don’t be scared
Or happy
Or sad
Or feel anything
Especially mad
And then when we did,
We’d roar to the skies
And punish them for all of our lies
The rules and laws we made up
The things we said so we didn’t have to get the pup
Because, in reality, we couldn’t even fill our own cup
Why do we do this
Why do we lie?
And tell our children things like, “Good girls don’t cry,”
Can you imagine someone who doesn’t feel?
Who doesn’t know what to do in order to heal?
Who can’t share expression or show someone they care?
Who often finds themselves shouting unaware?
Because they were told no one wants to hear their real?
Because no one wants to really know what a child feels.
Because we expect people to be happy all of the time
And we wonder why it’s so hard for us to pass time
In stillness
In silence
Allowed to exist
Without having to fill every moment with risk
Knowing we’re enough just as we is
Instead of trying to prove that we have some big gift
That we were born for a glorious purpose
That we can only fill it if we stop feeling worthless
And where are we supposed to go?
What are we supposed to do?
When will we ever be good enough for you?
The truth is we can’t.
The truth is we won’t.
So, we have to ask ourselves what we want and what we don’t.
But it’s been so long since we’ve heard our own voice
It’s been so long since we’ve made our own choice
And you thought you were being so kind and considerate
But when we raised our voices, you didn’t want to hear it
So, we learned to be silent but now it’s our time
To speak our own truth, to write our own rhymes,
To figure out which rule is or isn’t mine,
To remember that we are not a word to be defined,
That we’re ever changing,
That we’re ever growing,
That there are no final answers, no ‘right’ way of knowing
We just try
We try
We try
And then we die
And what was it for?
All this unrest?
All this trying to show you and you who is best?
What really mattered?
Did you have fun?
Did you spend your whole life on the run?
Did you make any friends did you take any rides?
Did you laugh so hard you split your side?
Did you watch anyone become a bride?
Did you ever let your intuition be your guide?
Are you ok?
And even if you’re not,
Will you be ok with your own pieces of rot?
With all your faults
With all your truths
With all your bruises
With all your used
With all the pain
With all the blood
With people who left you crawling alone in the mud
Will you know your worth?
Will you find a place on this earth?
Will you stop expecting perfection?
Will you ever enjoy your own reflection?
Will you ever just be at peace being alone?
Or will you always be waiting by the telephone?
Will you keep talking to people who make you feel alone?
Or will you see that there is more out there in this great unknown?
I’m sorry you had to go through all that you did
I wish I could hold you and protect you like a little kid
This too shall pass
These clouds will part
One day you’ll be rewarded for having such a big heart
And all that love will be reflected to you
But right now, you can’t expect a diamond to fall out of the dirt
You can’t expect a nice blazer out of a ripped t-shirt
So, forgive yourself for letting yourself flirt
Because you never asked for any of this hurt