Today I am grateful for:
- Hope
- Daily Vitamins
- Structure
- Consistency
- Plans
- Ideas
- Opportunities
- Soft gingerbread cookies
- The fact that you let me
- The way that you hold me
- How I understand you when you don't say a god damn thing
Quotes I want to remember
- "Try again. Fail again. Fail better."
- "You didn't need to buy it, you just needed to encounter it."
- "I don't need a mermaid bowl to bring people joy!"
- "Watermelon is the best period snack. It is mostly water so it hydrates you, it's a fruit so its good for you, and it's RED! I mean, it practically bleeds when you eat it. It's god damn period perfection. "
You are enough
You are worthy
You do know
You do see
You are exactly who you want to be
Mission Accomplished!
What it feels like
So I hold you like a child holding a snow globe,
bewildered by its beauty,
terrified of their power to drop and shatter it at any moment,
astonished that it was granted to them and is now in their hands.
I am terrified to hold you.
Why is that?
Why am I so goddamn scared to show you how I feel?
It's like, "Oh no, then he'll know I like him!"
Why is that a problem?
What is this, middle school?
I feel like you are a fire behind broken glass,
If I just reached through I could feel your warmth,
but I'm too scared of dragging my hands through the shards of glass.
Is it you?
Is it me?
But I think I'm scared because I've tried
And ever time I go fishing you don't take a bite
So I walk home alone at the end of the night
I've gone through so much pain
and I have no desire to do such things again,
But with the sunshine comes the rain,
And with the coffee comes the clouds,
And just because there's thunder doesn't mean there's lightning,
And just because its lovely doesn't make it frightening.
One step.
A single step.
A walk
A talk
A conversation
One less hesitation
But I can't see that.
I see the mile.
I see you smile
I see the finish line.
I see the end of time.
I need step one, but I'm stuck on step nine.
I want you to know I'm not going to ask you again
Because I know how hard it is for you to say no
And I know how hard it is for me to hear it
So if you want to see me
You'll have to ask
And don't pretend that I won't be up for the task
I've showed you
I've shown up
I've asked
It's up to you
And if I do
Keep coming through
There's something there
There's something you're not telling me
Something I don't know
Some reason
It's funny that I'm so arrogant that I can't fathom how you couldn't like me back
But I don't think it's that
I can't
But maybe I'm just projecting myself on to you
Maybe it's really because I'm the one who fears I have work to do
But "Don't be afraid it won't be perfect, just be afraid that it won't be"
Or just try and maybe you'll see
I wish I could bring you comfort
I wish I could heal your pain
I wish I could make you feel safe
I wish I could be your aim
I wish I could be your shelter
I wish I could be your rock
I wish I was the one you asked to take a walk
I wish I was your comfort
I wish I was your sane
I wish I was your normal
I wish over your heart I reigned
But some wishes are just wishes
Some things can never be
But someday when you wake up, the wish you'll wish is me
And always trying to make sense out of a nonsensical world
And who let you be so goddamn attractive?
And why does your voice have this affect on me?
And why do I love the silly way that you talk and everything that you say?
And sometimes the body wants what it wants
And the heart knows better
And the brain is still trying to catch up
And we're all in this together
And I want to ask
I want to talk
I want to check in on you
To check in on me
To see if you're feeling some type of way
And you act so cool
And sometimes it feels like nothing ever happened
But it did
And it's hard to see
And I wish I could put in a new tape, hit rewind and re-record
Like I could re-write the story
As if nothing ever happened
But I can't
Because no matter what happens
No matter what type of way
No matter what a good night or day
It happened
It is what it is
We can't go back
But maybe we could go forward,
Wounds in hand,
Unrepairable
Unfixable
Not broken but new
Not different but used
Not sheltered but changed
And I wish I could check in
To check in on me
Maybe we could be friends
And I could see how you're doing
And I could see how you're feeling
And I could get to know you for you and see if you want to get to know me too
And all you said was, "How are you?"