Today I am grateful for
- Deep restful sleep
- Security and stability
- Warm laundry
- Cat naps
- Lazy Sundays
- Long walks
- Deep talks
- Laughter
- Distractions
- Attractions
- Chemical reactions
- Vanilla and lavender incense
- Adorable ghosts and pumpkins
- Cinnamon sugar
- Fruits basket
- The fact that human beings are much more complex than we let on and the hope that there is so much I don't know and so much I am being spared from
- The people who believe in me
- Kindness
- Generosity
- Friendship
- The little girl in the middle of a theme park playing in the dirt
- The parents who let her play
- Her smile
Arizona Blue Jeans
No, I mean - obsessed.
Like you would take them off only to put them back on and you finally got the guts to wash them and you actually took the time to dry hang them for once in your life because you were too scared to ruin them?
The kind that you actually tried to patch or stitch or sew when they ripped because it was too disappointing to let them go.
Because you knew it would be an entire journey in order to find something, anything, like this beautiful pair that fit you just right. That showed off your curves or finally were small enough or tall enough or dark enough or flared enough or they weren't too hot or they were finally warm. They were high waisted like you like, or they actually had a zipper instead of those stupid 9 button closures. Or they were actually corduroy or seer-sucker and you never knew when you would ever find that material again. Or that color. Or those pockets. Or those belt loops.
And when you had to let them go -
When they could no longer be stitched or repaired -
Or when they shrunk in the dryer -
Or so-and-so spilled bleach on them or paint -
Or somehow the seam completely came undone -
Or your thighs rubbed them together so much that the material completely wore away And now you're stuck in this awful place
Knowing they can't be replaced
Holding onto them desperately
Not wanting to let them go
Not wanting to donate them
Not wanting to throw them away
Wishing something, anything, could give you that same joy,
Could make you feel that confident,
Could make you feel so much like 'yourself' -
And it feels like nothing ever could
No one ever would
And you start to cry for the jeans
For the pair beyond repair
And then for all jeans
For all the jeans that failed you
For all the jeans that carried you where you are today
And you start to wail
And all of a sudden you're crying for all jeans everywhere
And for all jean wearers
And for this never ending cycle of joy and despair
this beautiful and awful life that we live
So full of hope and so full of disappointment
And people tell you that you have to hear the thunder, feel the rain, and see the lightening in order to get to the sunny day or the rainbow or that crisp fall morning with the leaves changing color and the breeze in your ear -
But it's hard to hear that over your cries
It's hard to see through the tears in your eyes
It's hard to feel anything but the pain
And you don't think it will pass
You feel like it will last and last
And you're stuck in this cyclone,
Feeling all alone
Like no one would understand
Like if you called, no one would be home
And you already turned off your phone
And before you know it, you've fallen asleep
Tuckered yourself out without counting sheep
Like a toddler holding onto a broken machine
A child who's snowball started to melt
A student being told that they failed
A teenager who never made it to prom
A fire fighter who never heard the alarm
And you wake up alone
And no one is home
And it's only 9pm
And it all begins again