You said you'd never go away
You held my hand and asked me to play,
You smiled and told me I didn't have to stay
You said so many things I needed you to say,
So many things that helped me walk away
Living in a blanket shade of gray
You lied, but you didn’t know you were lying
You died, but you didn't know you were dying
And I thought you were forever
And I thought I'd leave you never
And I thought you'd be back when I'd return
That my heart wouldn't still feel this burn
Where did you go?
How didn't I know?
What is this loss?
How much will it cost?
And all of a sudden I’m five years old
Singing a song for a pup whose blood ran cold
The runt of the litter
Man, was I bitter
Never meant to make it past 10 weeks of living
My heart was so unforgiving
Some unknown disease
I begged my mom please
They packed him in a box
His golden locks
And we buried him in the back yard
Is he still there?
Was it a he or a she?
Coco, I called it, may they rest in peace.
And all of a sudden I knew life could end
And that all of a sudden I could lose my best friend.
My grandma could die alone in her sleep
And I couldn't save her, just sit there and weep.
And late at night if my mom wasn't home,
I'd sit and stare at the telephone,
Wondering if she'd ever come home,
And I'd cry until I couldn’t feel my face,
Wishing I could understand grace,
And Chips Ahoy and Oreos became my best friends,
And milk brought me comfort in the end.
And cinnamon toast crunch,
And pb&j for lunch,
Christmas cookies and ritz,
Glamor and glitz,
And my family was on BET and my friends on my plate,
And that's when I learned the importance of self-hate.
No need to negotiate,
Just go on filling up the plate,
Swallow everything and disintegrate,
Feeling like you're a cat under crate,
Or a miner trying to make it to the gate,
But suddenly its much too late,
And it really wasn't worth the weight.
So here I am again lost in this pain,
Crying so much I wish it would rain,
Trying to take this pain away,
Swallowing it all until break of day,
Stuck in my own thoughts like a car in LA,
Telling myself to get out of my own way,
And that its okay not to be okay,
Processing feelings hoping they go away,
Understanding that grief takes longer than one day,
And maybe someday I'll get to play,
But for now I will sit here and play cast away.