And Then There Are Darker Days
But they didn't fit, so I threw them away
Can't help it sometimes
Even if it rhymes
Even if the radio's blasting "Good Times"
And it feels like a crime
I'm so filled with guilt
At all the happy tears going unspilt
And I try to be grateful and I try to be true
But I just end up in a pile of blue
So confused
Feeling used
Left with nothing else to do
Can't get through
Even if it isn't true
Can you help me if you're stuck in it too?
It's not me it's you
Or maybe it's me
I guess we'll see
What happens if I smile and I count to 3
Where will you be?
Will you see me?
What It Feels Like
Like my chest is being swallowed in darkness and mud,
And I’m falling and it’s no longer fun,
And I’m sweating and it’s not because of the sun,
Filled with a passion unlike I’ve known before,
But I don’t want it anymore,
Because it isn’t pleasant
It isn’t fun
My feelings for you got me on the run
Sprinting a marathon in the dessert sun
I can’t
I won’t
I don’t want to see
You treat her the same way you treated me
Because then I know
Because then I see
That you’re not all I cooked you up to be
That maybe I’m not the only one lost in your eyes,
And suddenly I’m planning her demise
And then I realize it isn’t her fault
And my wounds are smothered in pepper and salt
Because I gave you the power to ruin my day
And I hate that I treat myself this way
Covered in bruises because I won’t let you go,
Still holding onto that barbed wire rope,
Getting dragged by precious throat,
Digging my fingernails into the mud,
Realizing that I’m already covered in blood,
Love, look away,
That’s what they say,
So ready to leave you in just one day,
So ready to run or limp away,
And I don’t even care what you have to say,
And I don’t even care if you ask to stay,
At least that’s what I’ll say,
Please don’t make me play
Along with all of your stupid games
I asked to be held, I didn’t ask to be played
And suddenly it all feels like a horrible mistake
And I can’t believe I looked at you that way
And I can’t believe I wanted you to stay
And I can’t believe I lost you in a day
And I know I don’t need you to have self-worth
And I know I don’t need you to create my mirth
I can be independent
I can be whole
I can release my need for control
But it isn’t a need I’m trying to fill
It’s a want, a desire, a personal will
Because no, I don’t need you, but I want you still
But when it’s like this, I don’t reminisce,
Because there’s nothing about this I’ll ever miss,
Feeling like a second-choice Christmas gift
Wishing that I could be dismissed
Because you never loved me
You never cared
You never asked me or wanted me near
At least that’s what I tell myself
Feeling like a poor man grasping for wealth
Not wanting to listen
Not wanting to hear
Whatever you say when you disappear
I don’t need to know
I don’t need to see
When you’re both alone and making believe
I don’t need to see what’s behind closed doors
So, please, just leave me here on the floor,
I don’t want to do any of this anymore,
Feeling like I’m four, outside your door,
Wishing you were here, sinking into my own fears,
Feeling like a paper lantern starting to tear,
So fragile,
So worthless,
So desperate,
Filled with a spark that can’t quite light,
Feeling like I’m not enough,
Trying to justify
Trying not to compare
Realizing maybe you’re just filled with hot air
Filled with spite,
Losing all my might,
Covered in my thoughts,
Feeling lost,
Is this what it cost?
And is it really worth the risk to have the reward?
And is this what will happen whenever you get bored?
Cutting you from me by cutting that cord,
Sweet Lord,
Did you find a shiny new toy, so now I get stored?
Feeling like an apple that just got cored,
Do you always stab your loved ones with a double-edged sword?
But don’t worry, it’s okay, it’s really fine -
Because how could I lose you if you were never mine?
Today I am grateful for:
- Mangos
- Grapes
- Watermelon
- Mandarin oranges
- Strawberries
- Cold water
- Blueberries
- Bananas
- Overnight oats
- Salmon