Today I am grateful for:
- Tax Credits
- Appeals
- Parents that won't let go
- Arts and Crafts
- Purple
- Feathers
- Moments of joy and happiness proving themselves possible
- Warm laundry
- The way cold air tastes on a snowy night in December
- The fact that you can't take my power away
- The fact that this is a feeling and it will pass
- The fact that I can survive whatever you say or do no matter how scared I am of what it might be
- Friends
- Family
- Support
- The people who show up
- The people who ask
- The people who check in
- The nurse who saw past my "I'm fine" and wouldn't stop asking if I was okay no matter how much I knew I couldn't tell her I wasn't
- The nurse who didn't ask any questions
- The negative tests
- The fact that I have health insurance
- My therapist offering to bump up to two sessions per week to show her support
- Letting go of what I can't control
- Focusing on my basic needs
- The people who helped me see
- Clarity
- My compassion
- My heart
- My kindness
- My job
- My home
- My car
- My mom
- This is a feeling and it will pass
- It will get better. Because it has to.
- Someday the universe will prove to me just how much more I am worth
TIL
So excited in fact sometimes I don’t know what’s good for me
Or maybe I do
But I know I can push through
Or maybe I just get excited when I’m close to you
You bring me back
I dust off the sentimental
And dig down to the potential
I see what you take
I see what I give
I see that this is no longer the way I want to live
And I’ve found so much more
Out on this wet floor
More than I ever thought was possible before
And I’m starting to see
That maybe you and I just weren’t meant to be
Or maybe we can respect each other’s wants and needs
And help find a bandaid when the other bleeds
And I thank you for all that you’re still teaching me
How to be grateful for consistency
How to be thankful for reality
How to keep swimming as far as I can see
Before
Ok
And the fear gets locked away
Only joy comes out to play
And you sing and you dance
and you wear your sexy pants
And you think - on second glance
I might just take a chance
You
Chocolate fondue
Paper mâché
A blown up balloon
If I had one moment, I would spend it with you <3
Your Innocence
Like a bottle of sudzy
You’re champagne in a cup
You’re a brand new pup
You’re a pillow I want to fluff
You're an unwrapped Reese’s peanut butter cup
So much potential
Unpaid differential
You hold me the way some people hold crystals
If I was a good, could I be your bare essentials?
If
Falling all over the things that you do,
Shedding my smiles to melt into you,
Seeing you tapping and showing your sole,
Holding my core refusing to let go,
Feeling like a soccer ball with so many goals,
Spinning and dancing in and out of control,
Can it be?
Is it me?
If I planted myself into you would we build a tree?
After
I Could Have
But you wanted more
You never asked
You just started to pour
And before I knew that 2 + 2 doesn’t always = 4
My comfort and safety littered the floor
I should have never let you in the door
But no one tells you they’d be kind
No one tells you you’d blame yourself in your mind
No one tells you sometimes it gets worse with time
No one teaches you how to say no
To someone you previously didn’t want to let go
No one teaches you
That even if you say no
They might still make you go
That even if you push them away
They may hold you tighter and beg you to stay
No one tells you they’ll be friendly
No one tells you they’ll be kind
No one tells you they’ll make you feel like you made it all up in your mind
It all happened much too fast
And this brokenness can’t be fixed with a cast
Maybe the past is in the past
But this scar is bound to last
I wish it never happened
I wish you never showed
I wish you listened when I said let go
It could have been so perfect
It could have been such bliss
If only you didn't take much more than a kiss
And I never want anyone else to feel like this.
How many have you done this to?
I'm hoping I'm the first.
To be wrecked with this blessing turned into a curse
What did i expect?
What was I thinking?
I was thinking oh god this is happening
I was thinking what is happening
I was trying to comfort myself
I was trying to push through
I was protecting my own self
Far more than you
Dear Survivor -
It is not your fault
You could not have prevented this
There is nothing you could have done
Should have done
Could have said
No matter how many times you replay the scene in your head
You did what you had to do to get through
What your body did or felt does not justify not getting consent from you
You deserve so much more
You are worth so much more
It is not your fault
No matter what you wore
Or said
Or did
They had no right
Whether or not you had a chance to fight
Even if you invited them over
Or held them
Or were nice
Or kissed them
Or asked twice
They never asked you
And you deserve to have a choice
You have a perfectly functioning voice
And they chose not to listen
To your words
To your cues
They chose not to ask
For your permission
They chose
You did not
You chose survival
You chose to get through however you knew to
You did not deserve this
You are not responsible
This is not your fault
Even if you’re in a relationship
Even if they're your boyfriend or your boo or your husband since 22
Or you’ve said yes before
This is not your fault
Even if you originally agreed
This is not your fault
Even if they didn't make you bleed
This is not your fault
Even if they didn't plant a seed
This is not your fault
And even if you feel like they are someone you now need
This is not your fault
Please listen up and heed:
This. Is. Not. Your. Fault.
Dear Boys -
Just because someone invites you over does not mean they want your tea.
And even if they bring a cup and boiling water,
this still does not mean they want tea.
And if they tell you specifically,
“You know, I don’t really want tea,”
You do not say “just a sip” and proceed to force an entire cup down their throat.
And if somehow they say yes to the sip even when they said no to the tea, you do not proceed to force an entire cup down their throat.
If they want your tea, they will ask you and then you can say yes or no. But for now, please don’t assume. Please ask. And know and believe they can change their mind.
So ask.
And then ask again.
And make sure.
And check in.
And maybe give them a second to get a clean glass or tell you if they have broken cups or no cups or don’t like to drink from a cup or don’t drink tea.
Just.
Ask.
Please.
And. Listen.
I don't care how great you think your tea is, please don't assume everyone is dying to drink it - no matter how dehydrated they are. Ask.
And if you can't ask - GET THE FUCK OUT AND STOP FORCING PEOPLE TO DRINK YOUR TEA.