The Storms
A year ago to this day I was inviting people to my virtual graduation. My world had shattered and I felt like nothing mattered. I hated my virtual graduation and spent most of it crying. I stood up when my name was called in the middle of my mother's kitchen at her dining room table and I felt more like a fool than a master of theatre who "should" feel so capable. I felt like nothing, like dirt, and I felt stupid for studying what I loved. I felt dumb for even trying. For leaving what I had. For taking this risk. For not being eligible for unemployment because I was a student and because "I didn't earn enough" to qualify.
I DIDN'T EARN ENOUGH TO QUALIFY FOR THE FINANCIAL AID - ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW FEDERAL GOVERNMENT? HOW DOES THAT MAKE ANY KIND OF SENSE? HOW YOU GONNA TELL SOMEONE THEY AIN'T POOR ENOUGH? OR THEY ARE TOO POOR? So yeah, definitely still bitter about that. Because while I was sitting pretty with my masters' degree, all my friends were sitting on their piles of cash from the federal government and yeah, they were just as unemployed and yes, their worlds had also been destroyed, but somehow this didn't ease the pain, and it always felt like there was someone else to blame, but worse was when I would blame myself.
As if I could know, as if there was some other route I could go, as if it would have been better that I never got the degree, or if I would have taken that college basketball scholarship maybe I'd be in the major leagues and wouldn't have to worry, but that excuse ran out in a hurry when I remembered that everyone was put on hold, and it doesn't matter where I was or what I was doing, I would have been stopped, my world would have been rocked, and I am one of the lucky few who was already doing what they loved so at least I had that going for me even though I couldn't currently do it.
But soon I could and it would soon be all that I was doing 24/7 - professional acting, something I always manifested, I wanted to be a company actor and here I am doing exactly what I asked for. Well, not exactly, not quite, this is actually a more financially stable and maybe, dare I say it, more stable life -- but it isn't exactly what I pictured, it wasn't exactly what I planned, and that's okay, but its also okay to be grateful and sad, to be grateful and mad.
Sad and grieving over all that I lost, all that opportunity cost, and mad at the people who lied - who said they'd always be there, who said not to worry they wouldn't go away - the liars who never knew they were liars because they thought they always would stay, but they didn't know their livelihoods could be stolen away. And I trusted them. I trusted those words. But even if they were lies and even if I didn't get proper goodbyes, I still got to leap, I got to try and learn and grow and peep into a whole new world I never would have explored. I got to believe in myself and actually believe I could do something I would never let myself do. And I'm still growing and learning but I've come SO far and I have to remember that and appreciate where I am and all that I am and not just look into the stars. Right here right now. Here I am. Thank you self: Present, past, and beyond.
Today I am grateful for:
- Rest and learning how to rest in rest.
- Days off and learning how to be alone with myself not working and still feel valuable.
- Productivity - and how it makes me feel accomplished, more valuable, and desireable.
- Potions and lotions and how they make my body smell wonderful.
- Multi-colored and bright colored nail polish and how it makes me feel joy and free.
- In-person Zumba classes and how they make me feel like I am floating on a cloud, allowed to be all of me out loud.
- Fancy drinking glasses and how they make me feel like Kathryn Hepburn.
- Oscar Mayer Delifresh Oven Roasted Turkey Breast (Low Sodium Version) and how I am allowed to eat the entire pack and know it is only 200 calories.
- Recycling and how it helps me feel less wasteful.
- When people keep their promises.
- When people stand up for themselves and their needs.
- When I keep my promises.
- When I stand up for myself and my needs.
- When I get to work early.
- When I get in my daily walk and/or yoga.
- When I eat all the vegetables and fruits.
- When I get all the sleep I desire.
- Feeling well rested.
- Feeling loved and happy.
- Kleenex with lotion.
- Fresh cold sweet soft juicy watermelon.
- Purified water.
- Blue sapphire grapes.
- The beauty of the natural world.
- Air conditioning.
- "Glam-ping"
- Crushes.
- Blue skies.
- The Ink Spots.
- Knowing sometimes there is nothing you can do.
- Knowing there are things you cannot control.
My hands are shaking: A Poem
or maybe I'm hoping that you will and somehow you'll instinctually hold my hand,
or reach out, and, even for a moment, consider holding my hands,
and then you'll realize,
you'll see me,
you'll recognize my wanting,
and I want to say I'm sorry,
To you and to me,
For expecting so much of you,
and for expecting so much of me,
To be the best, at your best and at mine,
It's exhausting,
Trying to be both professional and fun,
Hard working and effortless,
Ambitious and laid back,
And even if I am, both, or on the right track,
I don't want to have to "try" to be myself,
I just want to be,
me,
And I want you to be you too,
I want you to be you and me be me,
and then (and only then) can we see,
if we can be we,
I don't want every day to be a litmus test,
I don't want to "dress to impress",
I don't want to base my behavior off of where you are,
Or think about you as I sing in my car,
I don't want to change the way I walk or how soon I prepare,
I don't want to always have to catch you with wit or wind in my hair,
And I don't want to be mad at you for something you never did:
Not playing your role I made up in my head,
Because no matter how many times I visualize you with me,
I can't bend your will, I can't make this easy,
And if it is meant to be it might be,
But I gotta step into this reality,
And see you for you and me for me,
And stop expecting us to be something else I want us to be,
I keep calling myself a victim and calling others are controlling,
when really its my own puppet strings that I seem to be holding,
Trying to wind my lines around others,
Crossing my own wires and getting discovered,
I don't think anyone intends to be mean,
but deep down I'm scared that that's all I've ever been,
And what if my kind smile is just a facade,
And what if my odd is odder than odd?
When will I see that it is enough?
And that I don't have to be made of tougher stuff?
How can I show myself that I am complete,
when I keep trying to measure up on multiple spreadsheets?
And then the sun: A Poem
And you pray that you behaved your best,
But then you think - what kind of a God?
I mean, why, what do they get?
Is there some sort of lesson?
Some sort of truth?
Or what if life is just poop.
And that's all it is and there is no beyond, no greater meaning,
no higher purpose, no new beginning,
it just is and it isn't and that's all that there is?
And suddenly you're in an existential crisis in the middle of an evening walk and you think how nice the grass looks,
And a bald eagle drops by to say hello,
And you wonder if that was even real or if you saw it quite right,
And then there he goes for a 2nd flight,
And, is that a hawk? A robin? A crow?
Who knows, just let it go,
And you wonder if snakes will be out now that it's rained,
And you take long hard glances at storm drains,
And remember that "Gator Talk" you attended,
And recall how it ended,
"Run in a straight line, straight ahead,"
"But even so, they run so fast, so if they wanted you, you'd probably be dead,"
So you pray someone slower is not far behind,
And you cross the street before returning to that mental grind,
And the mud is sticking to your shoes,
And you're feeling those 20th century blues,
But you keep going though you feel stuck,
And you know its the next best thing to be doing,
And you leap from puddle to puddle pretending to be adventuring through ancient ruins,
And you find a smile creep onto your face,
And you may not feel so out-of-place,
And you feel a little less alone,
A little more grown up,
A littles less afraid of the unknown,
Like maybe you could be a filled cup,
And you imagine a small loveable pup,
But then you recall how much work there is to do,
And you battle and fight,
And mutter "they were right,"
And you think somehow all this thinking will help,
But instead your the whale and you're also the kelp,
And you wish you could find a better you on "Yelp"
But you know it can't be that easy,
And your starting to get cold because its starting to get breezy,
And you walk a little faster and slide in the mud,
You glance at the tree trunks and see flowers starting to bud,
And you hope that you can too,
And you notice one of those poisonous caterpillars and mean it no harm,
but you just wish it would be gone already,
You yell at it hopelessly, "grow up already!"
"Go on, cocoon!"
And you pray that these poor creatures will become butterflies or moths soon,
And then you stop and think,
What are they waiting for?
Where are they going?
What do they need?
And why am I so worried about this tiny creature?
Why has God filled me with empathy and concern?
Why do I worry and worry until my eyes burn?
And then you alter your prayers and say to yourself,
What do YOU need?
What are YOU waiting for?
Where are YOU going?
"Grow up already!"
"Go on, cocoon!"
What do YOU need to cocoon?
What do YOU need to become a moth or a butterfly soon?
And why does it take SO LONG to become?
Why can't we just walk through a door and its done?
Or what if this is cocooning?
What if our cocoons are less still?
What if our cocoons happen daily - or, nightly?
Say what you will -
One day I'll shine brightly,
I'll fufill my task,
"What if I fail," I'll ask,
With my hands on my thighs,
"Oh my dear, but what if you fly?"