Prologue: Inhala. Exhala.
Right now I feel:
- Positive
- Full
- Motivated
- Excited
- Hopeful
- A large to-do list looming over my day of relaxation and refocus
Things I have to do in order of priority:
- Due May 4th - Final paper for "Styles for Actors and Directors" explaining Beckett's aesthetic and comparing it to my own
- Due May 7th - Final part of the project for "Financial Management" (creating a balanced budget using forecasting, five-year financial trend analysis, and logic
- Due May 8th - Final Exam for "Financial Management"
- Tell my allergist I'm moving
- Maybe, maybe, maybe record myself doing Not I for Showcase
Maybe could wait until after move:
- Fellowship apps
- Job apps
- Purchase Microsoft 365 account and transfer all of my files currently backed up on Villanova's system to my personal system before I get kicked out of my account as an alum
May 8th Things:
- Check the mail/packages
- Take out the trash/recycling
- Clean the kitchen/living room
- Deep clean my bedroom/bathroom
- Fill my gas tank before the long drive
- Cancel WiFi and return my router to UPS Store
- Final load of laundry before the move
- Pack up the "Merry Crisis" decorations and craft table
- Pack up my car with ev-er-y-thing
When I get where I'm goin':
- Update my bank
- Update my car insurance/registration/license
- Update my health insurance/snap/unemployment
- Get Villanova HR to fill out an employee termination form so I can prove I'm no longer employed to the gov
A Plan:
- May 9th: Drive to NC
- May 10th: Drive to FL, quarantine for 15 days
- May 25th: Drive to TX, quarantine for 15 days
- June 9th: End 15 day quarantine and be able to visit my family and friends (at a distance - though I'm not sure my cousin JD quite gets that distance thing because he is 3.
- June 10th: Go to a Taco Cabana drive-thru and order a dozen potato and egg tacos.
1. What is . . . Insomnia!
Insomnia:
- Probably Cause "Fear. Not trusting the process of life. Guilt."
- New Thought Pattern: "I lovingly release the day and slip into peaceful sleep, knowing tomorrow will take care of itself."
Guilt:
I have a confession to make. I did do door dash. Twice. Just two days. Three hours each. And I feel terribly guilty for actually doing it, number 1, because I felt like a greed monster and I should have been staying home, and number 2, because I feel guilty for stopping and staying home even though I'm now a hired shopper and there are so many people desperate to get their food/groceries delivered. I did it because I wanted to somehow be able to make enough money so my parents wouldn't have to worry about supporting me. I wanted to feel useful. I wanted to feel needed. I wanted to feel productive. I wanted to be helpful. To someone. Anyone. But that isn't very helpful for myself. Or all the people who would have to care for me and treat me if anything happened. And now that I've made that decision I feel guilty about saying no to every Instacart alert, phone call, and voicemail. I feel guilty that I am privileged enough to have savings that allow me to stay home while others are forced to work as shoppers to feed themselves and their families. But I don't need that. I don't need that guilt. Because no one is putting that pressure on me other than myself (and that guy who keeps calling me from Instacart). Seriously, though, for the safety of myself and others the best thing I can do right now is stay home.
Fear:
Understandable. I actually thought my insomnia was because I didn't want the day to end because I was getting so much done and on a productivity high. And that may have been part of the reason, but really, it's fear. Fear of the next day. Because by 2am I understand how this day is. I am healthy and strong. I worked out. I completed tasks. I'm okay. I don't know what the next day is. So if I just put it off as much as possible, stay awake as long as possible maybe somehow I can hold on to today, the day where I was okay instead of accidentally falling into the uncertainty of tomorrow.
But wow is that not helping anyone. Losing sleep is so terrible for your body. Prevents you from losing weight, makes you gain weight, raises stress hormones, and lowers your immune system's ability to function because it thinks you're in survival mode . . . SO. Maybe. JUST MAYBE. Sleep? Maybe
"I lovingly release the day and slip into peaceful sleep, knowing tomorrow will take care of itself."
Because even if tomorrow was worse than today worrying will never help me prepare for it or deal with it. So. Yeah. Sleep? Sleep.
"going to and fro
all eyes
all sides
high and low
for another
another like herself
another creature like herself
a little like . . .
for another
another living soul"
- Voice in "Rockaby" by Samuel Beckett
2. Waving Through a Window
"Nothing happens. Nobody comes, nobody goes. It's awful." - Estragon in "Waiting for Godot" by Samuel Beckett
I think we're gonna see a LOT of productions of Beckett in the next few years. And I don't think anyone is going to have any trouble understanding. AT ALL.
3. Like to Finish It?
My Adaptation of the chorus of "Hurt" as sung by Johnny Cash
Original Songwriter: Trent Reznor
I burnt my food today
To see if time's still real
Tried to focus on the flame
The only thing not still