Today I am grateful for:
- Fresh fruit
- Peeled mango
- My home
- My car
- My braces
- My orthodontist
- Laundry that is DONE
- Chores that are DONE
- The fact that I will SOMEDAY complete this to do list. SOMEDAY.
- In-home washer and dryer units
- A night off
- Remembering that I am in control of my life and my choices and I have the right to speak up for myself
- Speaking up for myself
- Makin choices
- Makin decisions
- Not makin decisions when ya feelin' cookoo cachoo
- I got the whole world in my hands
- Saying no
- Just saying no
- It's okay to say no
- Being wrong
- Being right
- Giving up the fight
- Letting go
- Again, saying no
- Deep breaths
- Turn lefts
- Cocoa butter lotion
- The taste of the ocean
- The Drowsy Chaperone
- Judy Do (Dew?), Hall Monitor
- Coach Kat, Assistant Coach, Rockville High
- All those people who took photos of me who will someday share them with me. SOMEDAY.
- New beginnings
- New endings
- It's gonna be okay
- It is okay
- It's not okay
- It will be okay
- I can take on what I can take on for today
- I don't need to do anything
- I can
- I will
- I am capable
- I am still
- I am allowed
- I am free
- I am allowed to be only me
- Sometimes I can't do it all. And that is okay.
- My Mum
- My Nana
- My Josey
- My Colton
The Story of the Polaroid: A Picture Perfect Moment
So she scouted. So she greeted. She introduced herself to as many potential athletes as possible and encouraged them to take shelter and shade in the air conditioned Auditorium while her students entertained them in "Rockin' at Rockville High." You see, the air conditioner is a relatively new invention, and she thinks it's pretty "cool."
(Pause for dramatic effect).
(Let it sink in.)
One day, as she was out rummaging through the band kids and the choir clubs, she stumbled upon a young girl named Emma. You see, it was Emma's birthday on this beautiful sunny day and she had brought her polaroid camera with her to Rockville. It was a magnificent day for a polaroid camera, but Coach Kat had never heard of such things. She was fascinated. A picture! A picture that could be an exact replica of her immediately spewing forth from a machine - like a soda fountain for portraits. She stared into what Emma called the, "lens," and Emma quickly snapped a photo of Coach Kat. Emma's parents were surprised. "Oh!" They shouted,
"Wouldn't you like to take a picture with the Coach?"
"Yes!" replied Emma.
So they posed together as folks would for a picture and immediately the image spewed forth from the camera, as it had before. Bewildered, Coach Kat raved about how this was such a miracle and what an incredible magical moment this was for her. Just as Coach Kat was about to thank them for their time and move on to the next recruitment, Emma stopped Coach and said, "Coach - this one's for you."
Breathlessly, Coach Kat looked down to find that Emma, the birthday girl, was gifting Coach Kat with a gift of her own: a polaroid image of Coach Kat in the flesh! Overwhelmed with excitement and gratitude, Coach Kat thanked Emma endlessly and then sang to her in light of her special day. She blew her whistle to signify the important moment and then shouted to the surrounding groups, "WE'VE GOT A BIRTHDAY OVER HERE!" Others cheered as Coach Kat continued, "IF YOU KNOW THE WORDS TO THIS SONG, PLEASE SING ALONG!" She calmly looked back at Emma, "Hold on, one second, let me get my pitch pipe." She quickly placed her whistle back in her mouth and lightly blew through it to get a sort of pitch.
"Eeeeehhhh," Coach Kat replicated the high pitched whistle sound and then inhaled deeply-
"THIS. IS. YOUR. BIRTHDAY SONG. IT ISN'T VERY LONG -"
THANK YOU FOR ALL MY MIRACLES AND BLESSINGS (INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO):
"Coach Kat, Assistant Coach, Rockville High"
"Backstage Fairytale" at Alamo City Studios
The event will take place at 7 p.m. Wednesday, May 25, 2022 at @alamocitystudios in San Antonio, Texas. Tickets are $10 and available here:
Don't miss this one-night-only event!
"The Reverend Dr. Paul(i) Murray" at the Overtime Theater
This beloved place and all the incredible things it has brought to me.
"Just Friends" at the Overtime Theater
Pictured: Julio Alberto Sepulveda and Amy Abrigo
The fact that I am somehow still able to feel this fabulous, beautiful, and full of joy. To this day.
Don't read this
I mean, does that make me a coward?
Or is it okay
if that is the way
what I don't want to say
Because it's hard to allow myself to be so open and free,
when I'm spelling out things I know you don't want to see.
And I'm not trying to make you anything you don't want to be.
Go through this again.
I just can't not worry to no end.
And I get it.
And I will be silent because I can.
Because I want to keep peace in this no man's land.
Because I don't want us to fight.
Because I know I don't have the right.
And I'm not trying to change you.
I'm just trying to understand.
I'm really not trying to accuse you of anything or ask something of you by command. I'm not trying to get you to fulfill my every demand.
I just want you to be safe.
I want you to be well.
I want you to be freed from this eternal hell.
I want you to be healthy because its for you I fell.
I'm trying to understand.
I need you to understand.
I don't understand.
And I'm trying.
And I know there's so much you're not buying.
And I can't help you.
And I can't fix it.
But I don't know how to move forward.
It's like - I'm walking on egg shells in a cage I created.
Full of eggs that I personally perforated.
nd I know its been a long time.
It's been a long time for me too.
And it's hard.
It takes creativity and compromise.
It takes open communication and no fear of lies.
It takes understanding and letting go.
It takes loosening the grip on control.
Because my tendencies are toxic -
though out of care -
Because, I already feel obligated to you.
It might sound a little icky - but it's true.
And I have to remember that's not quite
- right -
I don't have to see you or kiss you or speak to you every single night,
but I get in routines
and I get full of fear.
I don't know how to not and I knot what I hear.
And when I see you like that, I want to make myself disappear.
But I thank you for your kindness,
- but you can't tell me how to feel.
You can't tell me what to do.
But don't think for a moment you get to control my mind.
I say that.
But you already do.
it's not you.
Well, that's part ways and half way true.
I just can't -
I don't know -
how to talk to you.
I thought -
I had this vision -
of who you were -
and now that image is starting to blur
and I want it to grow
and I knew it would expand,
but I'm feeling a little lost in the desert without a water can.
Because we have different beliefs.
And I understand.
It's not so easy to get elated
when you've been f*cked over and jaded.
When you've been un and re related.
Twisted and shredded and grated.
So please help me understand.
Because all I know right now is that you are sick.
And when I'm sick, I go to the doctor quick -
and I know,
I'm privileged to have this train of mind,
I have insurance and resources and time
and I believe in doctors
and I believe in pills
and I believe in therapists and behavioral drills.
Because that's how I work.
Because that's how I run.
And I know not everyone does.
But it's hard for me to see.
For me, it's like watching a man run around a urinal and claim he can't pee.
Yeah, that was pretty silly...
Okay, it's like a man with an oxygen tank who says he can't breathe.
Or a person in handcuffs holding the motherf*kin a key.
I don't get it.
So I'm sorry for me.
I'm sorry for not being able to see what you see.
And I know you're intelligent.
And I know you are the only person who knows you
and your past
and your needs.
I wish I could help.
But I can't.
And you know what?
And all I know to do is to hold you and I can't even do that.
My thoughts make me feel like 60 to 0 in ten seconds flat.
And my mind wants to take down all these yellow flags.
To say its all good.
it's all good.
It's not bad.
But, "How will it work?"
Take them down, fast!
Can we, will we, do we last?
But I can't think like that.
I need to re-cast:
My self as myself and leave the past in the past.
Because you are not him.
And I am not her.
And today is a new day to create a new word.
who knows what it means.
who knows anything?
But I'm scared that I'll do what I always do
and, slowly and suddenly, I'll start to melt into you
and I won't make a fuss
and I won't say a word -
nothing you don't like will ever be heard -
no standing up for myself or my needs -
just making sure you never see me bleed -
until it's too late
until I explode
until I reach the point of overload
just prancing around like I'm back onstage -
I don't want to,
I don't want to live in a play.
And I keep forgetting to eat
And I keep having dreams that I cheat
- Well -
that people keep trying to get me to cheat -
And I'm horrified of your other side
And I'm terrified you'll pierce my layers and layers of hide
And I'm scared that
But there is no reason to sink
Into this hole of the overthink
why can't I just enjoy it for what it is?
And not wonder into the his and his?
it's FFTs and
how could it be mes
Why am I so afraid of being wrong?
Why am I so afraid that you're where I feel I belong?